Two roads diverged in a yellow wood...

[Thumpered]

I know your doing almost all the heavy lifting right now, but I think you might be doing too much, and expecting too fast still.

Next time he seems like he's about to go down that road, take a walk, maybe put on some headphones/mp3/music on. Download an audio book, and get listening to that instead.

I think your trying so hard to respond and be perfect, your not giving yourself enough of a break. Just back away a bit, and your going to have to let him deal in his own misery. You can't fix it all.

Don't fall into the trap. Nothing good can come of it. You didn't break him, so you can't fix him.

[Not Quitting]

Thumpered is right, as hard as it is to do.

We've probably all been through, or are in, the "can't do everything right and everything we do is wrong" stage. I certainly have more than once. Until that fog of his lifts he is trying to justify his misery by blaming you, whether you actually had anything to do with the issue or not.

You have to concentrate on you. You can't fix him or get rid of his issues for him; the only person in your M that you can do anything about is you. Vent on here, never to him.

Even you feeling that you may not be in love with him any more is normal given what you're going through. There have been times when I hated my H for what he's doing to our family, but it doesn't last because my love for him is still stronger than that. There have been times when I wished I could hate him but I can't even stay mad at him for long.

This is a long road, and there's going to be lots of ups and downs. Baby steps, and slow and steady is the only way forward for us. We are in for a long, bumpy ride whether we like it or not. There is no quick fix for this. This is one time when patience really is a virtue.

[chasingpavements]

Hoping for advice,
Yesterday I asked H if he wanted me to go or not. To me, it seemed like it didn't matter to him either way.

You should not have asked him. This is too much pressure. Next time, just go and be happy (or pretend to be) and give him space.

SailingAlone, thanks for this bit of advice here, I am going to follow that. I have been to worried about all of the events going on. We have a party that we throw every year for Civic Holiday, where we invite friends over and have a 'ribfest'. I was wondering if we were going to skip it this year. I have decided still to throw the party anyway and be happy about it and have fun I am not going to worry about H. I am going to go on living my life!!

[chasingpavements]

I think your trying so hard to respond and be perfect, your not giving yourself enough of a break. Just back away a bit, and your going to have to let him deal in his own misery. You can't fix it all.

Thanks Thumpered and NotQuitting... ok, I am going to breathe!! I know I cannot keep putting so much effort into everything, I am getting burnt out, and my children need me. I can't please everyone all the time, I just have to live my life!

[Verum]

SailingAlone, thanks for this bit of advice here, I am going to follow that. I have been to worried about all of the events going on. We have a party that we throw every year for Civic Holiday, where we invite friends over and have a 'ribfest'. I was wondering if we were going to skip it this year. I have decided still to throw the party anyway and be happy about it and have fun I am not going to worry about H. I am going to go on living my life!!

This is exactly what you should be doing. Act happy and life goes on, with or without him. It'll make him think why are you happy and not depressed.

[chasingpavements]

Thanks SailingAlone, I am taking this new attitude and rolling with it! Life will go on!

[chl0901]

Hi CP! I was wondering where Hwy went, but I think I found you.

I just caught up on your sitch and am sorry you are having such a hard time. I am actually surprised how calm I have been able to remain around my H as well - in the past I would have yelled and screamed and cried. Which would have gotten me nowhere!

I know what you mean about having your H nitpick things you do (mine doesn't seem quite as bad as yours does in that aspect but it's still really frustrating). And my H is also notorious for his bad moods. I just stopped talking to him when he's in one (not cold shoulder, but just don't initiate any talking) and that seems to help. I can tell some small differences in the way my H and I interact since I've been DBing (5 weeks now), so even though it is hard for me to keep at it sometimes, I know I can at least say I tried everything regardless of how this all ends! Best of luck to you! PMA, PMA, PMA!!!

[chasingpavements]

Hi chl0901.. yep it's me! I've been incognito, I found out H had been reading my threads Something tells me that he could still find me on here if he really wanted.

I don't know how I did it either, being calm lately when I have just wanted to scream at him almost every single day! I don't understand how someone can just fall 'out of love' and then not want to do anything about it.

[chasingpavements]

We are still in limbo and not much has changed. H seems to be grumpy most days. Yesterday he came home and make a joking comment to me right away and seemed happy. I thought to myself, well we are going to have a fine evening! I tried to still give him distance around the house and just focused on taking care of the children. He left soon after to go to volleyball. I brought him out a beer on the deck when he got back and he just sat there all quiet. So I went inside with my beer, for MYSELF to escape.

There are still some things I am unsure about with DB'ing. I have been 'testing and checking' to see what is working vs not working. So far, it seems nothing is working! haha. Bringing him the beer on the deck I was testing to see if we could have a normal conversation... apparently not! ha. Sometimes he is in the mood and we can do little things like that, like playing scrabble or watching tv together. I don't think that DB'ing means to not do anything fun together? That is where I am confused. If he is willing should we still be trying to do nice things together? Sometimes he is in a good enough mood where we can do things, but lately he just wants to be alone, it seems.

[chasingpavements]

I just realized I answered my own question above.. haha.