hairdog, annette, dave36, CeMar, Aquarian, sarahsmiles, CoGal, dunno, I am getting depressed reading all of your sad stories. I started off so hopeful but I'm not getting any positive vibes from you guys. This is what I think about the SSM book. You start to read it and you find you are reading about yourself. Every problem you have is described with examples and you're thinking "Yes. At last a book that will help". Then you get to the solutions chapter. Make lists - yeah yeah. Tell LD what you want - yeah yeah. Change your behaviour - yeah yeah. Let the LD partner have space and time to find their own sex drive - oh yeah? I can't find anything concrete to actually do (other than back off) that I haven't already done a hundred times before to no effect. And nor can you guys. The book promises a solution but where is it? I was going to order the CD set but I don't need to be told to make lists of what I want, I need a way to refuel my gorgeous LD wife with some real fire in her belly.
I think your sitch is similar to mine in so many ways. I've done all the things suggested in SSM, but what I do like about the book is it puts into words, what I am feeling in a way that my wife won't get offended or get pissy. Problem is, she doesn't know that. She sees a book with a title of Sex Starved Marriage and instantly thinks it's filled with cheesy little ideas on how to improve your sex life. She doesn't understand that the book is aimed at understanding one another. Until she does realize what the book is about, I'm afraid she'll never read it.
Unfortunately for me (and for her) I'm feeling like lately, I might be happier if she and I weren't married anymore rather than continue down this path of constant hurt and rejection. She is still my very best friend, but I can be friends with someone and not be married to them. I can't be in love with someone and not want to be sexual with them. It's just not the way I function. And it's not how she used to function either.
I want so badly to be the object of my wife's affection. But she doesn't see sex as an emotional desire. She still sees sex as a duty that is expected of her, rather than something we share. The book does convey in great detail how to learn to understand all that. But I just don't ever see my wife reading it as long as I remain with her. Unfortunately, I'm afraid it might take me drawing a line in the sand, either by moving on, or not being so friendly, cordial, loving towards her to make her realize what she could be missing out on by being with me.
Quote: I need a way to refuel my gorgeous LD wife with some real fire in her belly.
Ok SuperDave, this is just my opinion, but I'm afraid one of the only ways to start up "some real fire in her belly" is to *scare* her. She needs to feel like life would be terrible without you. She needs to realize how much she would miss you and cherish the little things or unique things that ONLY you do. I'm not saying to give her an ultimatum or threaten her, but just really start emphasizing your good qualities (especially the ones that attracted her to you in the first place). Without re-reading some of your posts I can't recall if you have young kids at home. If you do, try taking the kids off her hands more often so she has time all by herself for at least a few hours once in a while. Try to be a bit more mysterious too without making her suspect you of having an affair! It's just human nature for us to "wake up" when we fear we may lose someone. I think it was you that posted somewhere that she enjoys ML once it's going... so are you just tired of always being the initiator or is she rejecting you too?
Quote: She sees a book with a title of Sex Starved Marriage and instantly thinks it's filled with cheesy little ideas on how to improve your sex life. She doesn't understand that the book is aimed at understanding one another. Until she does realize what the book is about, I'm afraid she'll never read it.
Father-of-Three, did she actually say that she thinks the book is cheesy ideas for improving your sex life or is that what you're assuming? Have you explained that it isn't and that you'd appreciate it if she could read it for the sake of your marriage? Would she show more interest in it if you read a bit of it before turning the lights out? Perfect opportunity for her ask, "What are you reading?" and voila... it all depends on the tone of your voice and body language but it's up to you to present the book for what it IS, and not what it LOOKS like! You can even pretend to have simply read reviews on it and ask if she'd be into reading it WITH you - it'd be so nice to cuddle up in bed and read a chapter together.
Quote: I might be happier if she and I weren't married anymore rather than continue down this path of constant hurt and rejection. She is still my very best friend, but I can be friends with someone and not be married to them. I can't be in love with someone and not want to be sexual with them. It's just not the way I function. And it's not how she used to function either.
I want so badly to be the object of my wife's affection. But she doesn't see sex as an emotional desire. She still sees sex as a duty that is expected of her, rather than something we share. Unfortunately, I'm afraid it might take me drawing a line in the sand, either by moving on, or not being so friendly, cordial, loving towards her to make her realize what she could be missing out on by being with me.
I suggest you write her a letter or a sweet card and tell her these things. Have you come right out and told her how you're feeling OR has she heard you complaining that you're not having sex often enough?????
Yes, I've recited some of the things from the book. She said these exact words to me right after... "I don't need books to get better, you do, I'm getting better on my own."
I've also written a letter to her (more than once) about how making love to her is an emotional need and not just a sexual need. The last one was on Valentine's Day, where I invited her to bed sex-free for a night of cuddling. She got home at 3:00am after going to the local casino.
Aquarian, Thanks for your advice to scare her. I did that two years ago when I met an HHD woman at an evening class. We flirted for a few weeks and went on some secret dates. She told me how her marriage had failed (I now realize her H was LD) and I told her all my stories. She said all the things I had been DYING to hear. Some examples. I love your hairy arms! I am wearing stripey knickers - look (pulls jeans down slightly). She squeezed my bum in public! She said Am I going to get a snog then kissed me with such passion that I realized I had never been kissed before. When asked why she is alway chewing gum replies WITH A WINK I like to have things in my mouth!! I was absolutely besotted - but we never had the oportunity to ML but I decided I was going to leave for her and told my W (and very badly my 3 children 17,13 and 9 at the time). Do you know what one of the things she said was - There's some old crockery in the garage - you can have that! Eventually I just couldn't leave my kids and family life and stopped going to the class.
I'm telling all you HD guys, there are HD girls out there and they are unbelievably hot.
Just to add to my last post. There was a down side to falling for an HD woman and the reason I turned her down in the end. I just never felt as if I could trust her. Her line between love and hate was thin and she would storm off in an instant. Also she was always late for rendezvous, phoned me constantly including when I was at home which got very dangerous. She told me she wasn't a "bunny burner" but I was glad my kids had no pet bunnies.
Why is it that HD woman know all the right things to say and do with a man, and our LD spouses are so freakin' CLUELESS. An my wife used to actually do those things. And to think there are men out there REALLY ENJOYING life because their wives are REAL HD women, while about 45% of us guys have to live on table scraps! (Sorry, that is the way I feel today).
Some of you know that I do my fair share of house work. After I leave work, I pick up DD, sometimes do errands on the way home, arrive home, feed animals, clean house (including, on various days, dusting, vacuuming, laundry, picking up daily, sweeping) feed DD dinner, give DD bath, etc. I also would make dinner for W and me, AND usually end up cleaning up after dinner. I used to really enjoy cooking and would make some pretty elaborate dinners. I told her, a long time ago, that I "kind of" resented cleaning up after dinner, and that, if I cooked, I'd like her to clean up. She said that when I cook, I should clean up as I go along, and that she would not agree to clean up the entire kitchen, but would take her plate and silverware and put them in the dishwashwer. Well, like I said, I really enjoyed cooking, so I just kept on doing it.
Then, she started on this Atkins diet, and I tried to support her efforts by joining in on it when I ate with her, including cooking low carb dinners. Very soon, I no longer enjoyed cooking. When my kids were in my custody, I would cook them normal stuff, and eat with them, and she would mutter that there was nothing she could eat. But she still expected me to cook low carb for her when they were not in my custody, which was about half the time. I've been slacking off a bit lately, eating stuff before she got home, and when she asked what was for dinner, I said I was not hungry. She would quietly fix herself something to eat.
Last night, she asked me what was for dinner. I said I hadn't really thought about it. She said, "well, think about it." I looked in the fridge. "There's some linguine in here." "I don't want pasta." Too many carbs. I looked in the freezer. "How about some pizza?" "No." So I told her to find something for herself. I told her that I am tired of cooking for her, and that I didn't want to do it anymore, unless we planned to eat a balanced normal meal together. Even then, I wouldn't do it unless she would help with the meal and/or cleaning up afterward. She was pissed. Said I was being passive/aggressive. That I was punishing her. She said that if I had felt this way, that I should have told her, so she could have picked up something on the way home, or taken something out of the freezer that morning. I denied that I was punishing her, and reminded her of our conversations about the inequity of me having to cook as well as clean up, and the difficulty of cooking items that were consistent with her diet. She still said I was passive/aggressive, and told me about some recent p/a behavior of mine. She complained that this seemed to be coming out of the blue, like I was still mad at her about the hugging incident, earlier in the week. I said I wasn't upset about that any more, and that I had been tapering off cooking dinner for her lately, and that, to the extent I hadn't come out and directly communicated my displeasure with cooking for her, I was sorry...BUT, I was communicating that displeasure now.
I told her that I needed to be a bit more independent and feel a little less subservient. She heard me, but didn't respond, as she was playing with our DD. No more arguments that evening, and she was even civil to me. We cuddled a bit this morning, but, as noted in another thread, it was kind of like cuddling a statue. That's normally how it is, though.
So, confidobics students: Exert your independence. Tell her/him that you need to be less subservient. Stop doing something that you used to enjoy doing for him/her, but that had become a chore/drudge. HOWEVER, communicate in advance of stopping this activity that you are stopping it, and why.
And finish up with 10 pelvic thrusts. Breathe in. Breathe out.
Father_of_Three, I've searched for your username but cannot find any of your threads. I'd like to read about your situation. Can you send me a link?
Quote: "I don't need books to get better, you do, I'm getting better on my own."
That reminds me of something Lina posted, I believe, about how her H was working on *internal* things on his end that weren't obvious to her. Challenge her (gently, lovingly) to open up and share with you what she's been working on.
Quote: I invited her to bed sex-free for a night of cuddling. She got home at 3:00am.
Was she gambling or with friends? Isn't that a bit of an odd thing to do on Valentine's Day (without you)? I'm really sorry she didn't take you up on the offer for cuddles. I'm hearing alarms, but need to read more of your story.
Quote: I decided I was going to leave for her and told my W. Do you know what one of the things she said was - There's some old crockery in the garage - you can have that!
SuperDave: Ouch! A statement such as that, sounds as if she didn't believe you. She was either calling your bluff or she really didn't care. This is why you need to make certain she would miss unique things about you, if you were to leave. Life without you being around MUST be unattractive. You know, I think that if H were to tell me he was leaving for another woman, I might have had a similar reaction. That is my way of giving myself some room to really think it all over and formulate my true reaction.
Quote: I just never felt as if I could trust her. Also she was always late for rendezvous, phoned me constantly including when I was at home which got very dangerous. She told me she wasn't a "bunny burner" but I was glad my kids had no pet bunnies.
There definitely is a difference between a hottie and the woman you choose to settle down with. The hottie might say all the right things and make you lust for her, but it's all a game/challenge to her. It's exciting for her to see if she can compete with a wife. It's a game and you have to tread carefully because it could end as soon as you've declared her the winner OR some other hunk catches her eye For all you know, she's just horny and not into a monogamous relationship! Besides, there are hormones specifically at work in new interactions and relationships that make you feel especially aroused. There's no guarantee she would remain an HD after years of marriage to you or anyone else.
Quote: Why is it that HD woman know all the right things to say and do with a man, and our LD spouses are so freakin' CLUELESS.
CeMar: LD spouses aren't clueless! They're inhibited for various reasons. Sexuality is so complex... if something is going on in the brain, or medically, then it's only natural that sex isn't a priority! Same thing I just said above applies here. The relationship itself has a problem other than sex.
Quote: I told her, a long time ago, that I "kind of" resented cleaning up after dinner, and that, if I cooked, I'd like her to clean up. Then, she started on this Atkins diet, and I tried to support her efforts. ...I told her that I am tired of cooking for her unless we planned to eat a balanced normal meal together. Even then, I wouldn't do it unless she would help with the meal and/or cleaning up afterward.
Wow! Good job Hairdog! I grew up with the rule that if you cooked, you didn't *have to* clean up afterwards. I am glad I kept that rule and have absolutely no problem cleaning up after H cooks. We usually clean up together though. Cleaning up as you go along is just common sense, but there's ALWAYS something left! You've been a gem and now she can see what's she's been *enjoying* and hopefully miss it. Thumbs up for you!
Quote: She said, "well, think about it." I told her to find something for herself.
Was she really that rude/cold?
Quote: So, confidobics students... And finish up with 10 pelvic thrusts. Breathe in. Breathe out.
Good luck 
Without re-reading some of your posts I can't recall if you have young kids at home. If you do, try taking the kids off her hands more often so she has time all by herself for at least a few hours once in a while. Try to be a bit more mysterious too without making her suspect you of having an affair! 
It's just human nature for us to "wake up" when we fear we may lose someone. I think it was you that posted somewhere that she enjoys ML once it's going... so are you just tired of always being the initiator or is she rejecting you too? 
I suggest you write her a letter or a sweet card and tell her these things. Have you come right out and told her how you're feeling OR has she heard you complaining that you're not having sex often enough????? 
Well, like I said, I really enjoyed cooking, so I just kept on doing it. 
