Drifting can be nice sometimes. Like being that nice kind of drunk where you feel floaty and without care. We fight so hard in these situations: fight for us, fight for them, fight down the fear, fight the tears, fight the feeling of being lost and we use all the tools at our disposal, even our sense of humour.
I know what you mean when you say that the hurt seems to have disappeared. For me, it does return but not nearly as badly. I liken it to resignation and taking a deep breath before a plunge into cold water. The realization that you are (even though you hoped you might not have to) going to have to save yourself.
Wish I had some advice for you. The positive is that you have time to decide if you want to go, stay or wait things out or something in between for now. Separate bedrooms? For me, having him even think he could still have the privilege of spooning with me after telling me he cheated on me a dozen times would have been a NO. But those are lines that you need to figure out for yourself.
Miz, I do not think your H is crazy; he is self-centred and feels he is entitled. The conversation you related screams both of those things to me. Equally clear to me is that he has no intention of changing. Unless I have missed something, he does not appear remorseful or even aware that he is hurting you so badly. And I am so, so sorry for that.
Let your relationship drift for a little while. Enjoy the admiration and compliments that I am positive are coming your way in your review. Maybe you'll get a raise?
Totally agree that R talks bite the big one. A R talk was the last I ever had with xSO. Apparently was too much for him to take.
Portia has written an insightful posting and I agree w/what she's posted. You are the only one that can decide whether to stay or do something different, i.e., separate bedrooms, etc.
I agree that your h is very set in his ways and he's not only self-centered by may like to be in control. He knows that he's got it good and he also thinks that you will not put him out or leave because of your children. I think his empathy chip was broken a long time ago and he can't or doesn't want to see how much you are hurting. He tends to turn a blind eye to the hurt that he's causing and maybe that's how he's coped all of these years is by doing so.
I do hope you continue to enjoy your job and review, in turn, provides you w/a bonus. You are a good woman who deserves only the very best that life has to offer. You've put up w/a lot over the years and I'm only sorry that he can't see what a wonderful person that you are. He's a lucky man that you've stood by him and continue to do so.
All I ask is that you please take care of yourself. You have been under a lot of stress and I would hate to see you become ill from it.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I liken it to resignation and taking a deep breath before a plunge into cold water.
Very nice analogy Portia. I absolutely HATE cold water! Lol
Separate bedrooms? No such thing in my house. All are occupied.
Equally clear to me is that he has no intention of changing. Agreed. And I think that is the worst. I understand mistakes. I understand struggling, and I understand temptation. I don't understand "Oh well." H did apologize, said he was sorry I was hurt. I told him I didn't feel that was genuine because if one is sorry then one at least attempts to STOP whatever the offense is.
A sad part of the conversation was when I asked H if he "wanted" to be a better H. He said he didn't know if he could be. No, I said, do you WANT to be? He then said he didn't know. I told him that answer was not something I could live with. Portia has written an insightful posting
Well of course she has! That's the way my girl rolls!
He knows that he's got it good and he also thinks that you will not put him out or leave because of your children. Idk how exactly I would "put him out". I've asked him to leave 4 separate times... don't mean to scare Dawn here... but the man won't go. (Maybe I should write another letter to OW's H ) And I really don't have anyplace to go. There is one friend who has offered her spare room, but the town she lives in would add 50 miles per day to my commute and I'd have to continue putting money toward the bills here or the house would STOP. Neither of us by ourselves can maintain the family. So I'm stuck. For now.
When I got home from work today H grabbed my arm and sat me down on the couch. "I've been thinking about what you said, about how I don't respect you. Well, I respect you enough to not be willing to leave you financially needy. I just won't do that to you. So that's something, that's some kind of respect." I was reticent, but made noises of agreement that what he stated was at the least not a bad thing. He went on, "And that number I gave you? It was wrong. I was under pressure and couldn't think straight. Its actually only 4 or 5." For this one I just blinked at him, a little confused. I asked, "What? Why? Why would you say that?" H insisted, "You were pressuring me! It was just the first number I thought of!"
Finally I said, "H, that is possibly the most stupid thing you have done in quite some time."
Well THAT made him mad, lol. Off he stomped in a huff. The number doesn't really matter anyway. It can't matter because I can never know the truth of it. If I go by what he says, (not that I am inclined to really do so, just playing devil's advocate) those OW were one-nighters and they happened 12 or more years ago. Since that time there has been plenty of spooning, and even a fair amount of forking so the ick factor is really in my head. Kind of like learning someone died on the sofa you've had for years? Lol, idk. No, what my real problem has to be right now is current OW. H couldn't do anything about the past OW even if he wanted to.
In one of our prior R talks I told H then that as long as OW is part of his life, I am not interested in being his wife. That has not changed. I think he really intended last night's talk to make me feel better. That's why he stressed that he "has no plans to leave." I wonder if he has any idea how much in the other direction his talk sent me. he is self-centred and feels he is entitled.
he's not only self-centered by may like to be in control Gee ladies, what are you trying to say?!?
Ok, one last bit about the talk. A bit I found so ludicrous that I really wished there was a witness. H explained how I just never listen to him. For example, (and he is right, this sitch has happened) if I'm at the store and I call him to see if he wants anything, and say maybe he wants a snickers bar. But then, the store's out of snickers. So I get him a kit-kat. And when I get home with the kit-kat, he refuses to even take it, because that's not what he asked for. I shouldn't try to substitute, I should just get him what he asked for or nothing at all. H went on to say that when he's with people who are grousing about their wives he often shares this story. I am holding my head lest it pop apart, and ask, "You do? What do people think of your story of me bringing the wrong candy bar to you?"
H says, "Well, I tell it funny of course, so they laugh."
~~~take my h no really, please take my h!
Didn't get my review today - things came up. Supposed to be tomorrow. I doubt I'll get a bonus, but maybe a wee raise?
I'm feeling at peace right now. Might have something to do with the fact that H just left with the twins for a 4 day visit to the ILs
Cheers!! Good night!! Take care!! Thanks for stopping by!!
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
I'd go with his first number - 12 or 13 - that's probably the correct one. He's just trying to backtrack now so he'll keep you on the hook ("Oh, just 4 or 5? That's not so bad then").
He's got a serious problem with infidelity. Maybe his problem is sex addiction (would he even go to an SLAA meeting? Like AA but for sex and love addicts - I have a friend who attends). Or maybe he's just terminally selfish.
He's clearly trying to placate you, as he senses you are pulling away. But of course, he's doing none of the things that a truly remorseful spouse who was trying to repair the relationship would do, is he?
I'd go with his first number - 12 or 13 - that's probably the correct one. He's just trying to backtrack now so he'll keep you on the hook ("Oh, just 4 or 5? That's not so bad then").
My thoughts as well. I actually gave very little reaction to his revelation. It went something like this.
J, "How many?" H, "I don't know. I don't remember." J, "That's ridiculous." H, "20" J, Calmly, "20? Really?" Raises an eyebrow. "That seems like rather a lot." H, "No, I just wanted to see what you'd say. It was probably more like 12 or 13." J, Shrugs, "Still a good sized number."
No theatrics, tears, yelling on my part. And then last night it dropped by half again. So, idk what to believe. It seems likely that it is a bigger number than what H would tell me. It also seems a bigger number would be harder perhaps to keep straight.
It all just cements my opinion of H. Which is not a good opinion.
He's got a serious problem with infidelity. Maybe his problem is sex addiction (would he even go to an SLAA meeting? Like AA but for sex and love addicts - I have a friend who attends). Or maybe he's just terminally selfish. I doubt he would go to such a meeting. H says he currently has little interest in S. We have not been intimate more than once in the last 9 months. Of course, idk if he's been with others during that time. In his defense, our one time was, ahem, speedy. Much to his embarrassment. And he mumbled something about being out of practice which as I understand male physiology abstinence could truly lead to "speed".
I'd lean more toward the selfish. Even H, in analyzing the why, said "you know how I was back then. It was a total power trip for me. It was the conquest."
He's clearly trying to placate you, as he senses you are pulling away. But of course, he's doing none of the things that a truly remorseful spouse who was trying to repair the relationship would do, is he? No, he's not. But I doubt he knows how. I never did get through to him that my "upset" is not because I fear his leaving but rather because I am grieving over the death of our M. He can't comprehend that our M is over because HE hasn't said its over. So my feelings HAVE to be tied to his intentions - in his mind.
Over the years, and I'm talking probably the last 8 or so, H has had moments of really wanting to find someone to talk to, as in therapy. We are VERY limited by finances, and have tried various church (free) talk to the pastor type things. H only connected with one of these, but then that C moved after just a couple of months.
H seems to know something is amiss for him. There is a disconnect in how he thinks he comes across to others. (I guess there is for all of us, to some extent, hence the psyche quiz I listed earlier.) H thinks everyone sees him as Mr. Happy Go Lucky. I can't speak for others, and I know from personal experience he can put on a VERY good show so casual acquaintances might see what he wants to project.
I see an angry, bitter, demanding man who won't take a kit-kat bar because it wasn't what he asked for. (And then turns that into an example of my bad wifery.) I see a frightened man who hides in casinos rather than face his own demons. This fright leads him also to having to be "in control" at all times. I see a remorseful, guilt ridden man who cries at movies. H has huge regrets over his past decisions, maybe to the point of obsession? And add in an unhealthy dose of pride and ego.
So its not easy for H to ask for help. And of course, even if someone is willing to seek help, its not easy to find a C that fits. That takes work, time and effort and H so far hasn't been able to sustain courage to seek help long enough to do the trench work of finding that good fit.
Thank you for stopping by KML
I am feeling rather philosophical atm. I'm not dwelling on the fact that I'm "stuck" right now. (Goodness me, could this be a new rung on the detachment ladder?) Rather I am feeling that nothing ever stays the same in this world. Things have not always been thus, and they shall not always BE thus. So, I'll focus on GAL and keep my eyes open for opportunity to grow and strengthen myself. I'll also pray for my H. Not for our M to be rosy, but rather for H to find some peace.
Take care!
This is J, signing off and sending out peace waves!
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
Your posting said a lot about your h in a way that caused me to feel sad for him. He's held in so much over the years because he's been afraid to open up and allow someone in to really listen and help him. He may never have been validated as a young boy or he was punished for voicing his opinions or worse yet...laughed at or totally ignored. This behavior of keeping everything locked in may come from his childhood.
I do hope that some day he will find someone that he can trust to open up to. He has been carrying a very heavy burden for a very long time.
I do think you are detaching more and more and I'm glad to see that you are keeping your eye on GAL. You are a very wise lady and are doing the right thing by praying for him and not the marriage. Right now, he needs prayers to guide him in the right direction and seek help. God may not always provide us w/what we want, but he does provide us w/what we need to continue on w/our travels.
Please take care of yourself. I hope you do get a raise after today's rating!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I'm not dwelling on the fact that I'm "stuck" right now. (Goodness me, could this be a new rung on the detachment ladder?) Rather I am feeling that nothing ever stays the same in this world. Things have not always been thus, and they shall not always BE thus. So, I'll focus on GAL and keep my eyes open for opportunity to grow and strengthen myself. I'll also pray for my H. Not for our M to be rosy, but rather for H to find some peace.
That's great mizjjd! You are not stuck, you are right, the world is changing and so are you, and you are growing and becoming stronger as a person.
I hope you are doing well. I hope your H finds peace, and you as well. You deserve it! Your H is conflicted right now, for sure not seeing things clearly. It is not fair that you are feeling the consequences of his actions.
peace and love CP
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
Your posting said a lot about your h in a way that caused me to feel sad for him.
I think there's probably reason to feel sad for him. His parents are NOT the nurturing, validating type. That shows in their children, and even their grandchildren. Its a contentious family for more than one generation, sad to say.
I do think you are detaching more and more and I'm glad to see that you are keeping your eye on GAL.
Thanks Snodderly! Some days I feel more despair than detachment, its a work in progress I guess.
Hi CP!
It is not fair that you are feeling the consequences of his actions.
Darlin, life ain't fair!! Life just "is", some good and some not so good. Lol, funny, the "fairness" of the whole sitch just doesn't weigh on me. My H has issues, likely worsened by his family, which wasn't fair to him. So, what are ya gonna do? Just gotta keep on keepin' on.
Cheers!!
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
H: You didn't remind me to tell you about Rice Lake.
J: So tell me now.
H phones. Seems he got to talking to a customer yesterday who told him that her H never got her jokes, just had no sense of humor. H says "That's just like my wife!" Customer goes on to say that her H went on a fishing trip to Rice Lake and came back a totally changed person with a great sense of humor. So, H says to J, "I think you need to go to Rice Lake!"
This morning D19 calls. "Are the twins home?" J, "No, they're in Canada." D19, "Sigh! What about S20." J, "He's at work. Why? What's going on?" D19, "I got pulled for a random drug test at work and wanted to use their pee. But that's ok, I'm tired of this job anyway." J, banging head into wall, "D19, don't you think the lesson here is to stop using drugs?"
******************************************************** J, on way to work, driving H's truck turns too close and swaps paint with a red guard post at the gas station. H's truck is not red. Its gold. Well, now its a little red.
S20, "Mom, do you think I have kidney cancer?" J, "No." S20, "Are you sure?" J, "Do you have a good reason to think that?" S20, "No, just been having panic attacks about it. That and testicular cancer. Do you think I have testicular cancer?" J, "No." S20, "What about blood cancer?" J, "No."
Fortunately he only had 3 diseases for today... actually a mild episode for him. Sometimes he'll ask the same questions over and over for hours - getting more and more worked up.
*********************************************************** J calls H to tell him about the truck. J asks if he doesn't think what she did is funny? H says "No!" J says well then, maybe you need to go to Rice Lake too
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
) And I really don't have anyplace to go. There is one friend who has offered her spare room, but the town she lives in would add 50 miles per day to my commute and I'd have to continue putting money toward the bills here or the house would STOP. Neither of us by ourselves can maintain the family. So I'm stuck. For now.
