Run and hide your crazy

[mizjjd]

I'd go with his first number - 12 or 13 - that's probably the correct one. He's just trying to backtrack now so he'll keep you on the hook ("Oh, just 4 or 5? That's not so bad then").

My thoughts as well. I actually gave very little reaction to his revelation. It went something like this.

J, "How many?"
H, "I don't know. I don't remember."
J, "That's ridiculous."
H, "20"
J, Calmly, "20? Really?" Raises an eyebrow. "That seems like rather a lot."
H, "No, I just wanted to see what you'd say. It was probably more like 12 or 13."
J, Shrugs, "Still a good sized number."

No theatrics, tears, yelling on my part. And then last night it dropped by half again. So, idk what to believe. It seems likely that it is a bigger number than what H would tell me. It also seems a bigger number would be harder perhaps to keep straight.

It all just cements my opinion of H. Which is not a good opinion.

He's got a serious problem with infidelity. Maybe his problem is sex addiction (would he even go to an SLAA meeting? Like AA but for sex and love addicts - I have a friend who attends). Or maybe he's just terminally selfish.
I doubt he would go to such a meeting. H says he currently has little interest in S. We have not been intimate more than once in the last 9 months. Of course, idk if he's been with others during that time. In his defense, our one time was, ahem, speedy. Much to his embarrassment. And he mumbled something about being out of practice which as I understand male physiology abstinence could truly lead to "speed".

I'd lean more toward the selfish. Even H, in analyzing the why, said "you know how I was back then. It was a total power trip for me. It was the conquest."

He's clearly trying to placate you, as he senses you are pulling away. But of course, he's doing none of the things that a truly remorseful spouse who was trying to repair the relationship would do, is he?
No, he's not. But I doubt he knows how. I never did get through to him that my "upset" is not because I fear his leaving but rather because I am grieving over the death of our M. He can't comprehend that our M is over because HE hasn't said its over. So my feelings HAVE to be tied to his intentions - in his mind.

Over the years, and I'm talking probably the last 8 or so, H has had moments of really wanting to find someone to talk to, as in therapy. We are VERY limited by finances, and have tried various church (free) talk to the pastor type things. H only connected with one of these, but then that C moved after just a couple of months.

H seems to know something is amiss for him. There is a disconnect in how he thinks he comes across to others. (I guess there is for all of us, to some extent, hence the psyche quiz I listed earlier.) H thinks everyone sees him as Mr. Happy Go Lucky. I can't speak for others, and I know from personal experience he can put on a VERY good show so casual acquaintances might see what he wants to project.

I see an angry, bitter, demanding man who won't take a kit-kat bar because it wasn't what he asked for. (And then turns that into an example of my bad wifery.) I see a frightened man who hides in casinos rather than face his own demons. This fright leads him also to having to be "in control" at all times. I see a remorseful, guilt ridden man who cries at movies. H has huge regrets over his past decisions, maybe to the point of obsession? And add in an unhealthy dose of pride and ego.

So its not easy for H to ask for help. And of course, even if someone is willing to seek help, its not easy to find a C that fits. That takes work, time and effort and H so far hasn't been able to sustain courage to seek help long enough to do the trench work of finding that good fit.

Thank you for stopping by KML

I am feeling rather philosophical atm. I'm not dwelling on the fact that I'm "stuck" right now. (Goodness me, could this be a new rung on the detachment ladder?) Rather I am feeling that nothing ever stays the same in this world. Things have not always been thus, and they shall not always BE thus. So, I'll focus on GAL and keep my eyes open for opportunity to grow and strengthen myself. I'll also pray for my H. Not for our M to be rosy, but rather for H to find some peace.

Take care!

This is J, signing off and sending out peace waves!