One giant leap forward! - Part 3

[T1000]

Do you believe that sex too early will derail the process and definitely not help at all?

I feel that if I do withhold just to prove a point I will come across as petty. Sounds daft saying it but it does. It's like I'm lording control over her.

Putting sex aside for a second do you also think this applies to other things, like having dinner together, spending time talking?

I'd like to answer those questions, but I believe it's more important to hear what you think. You made a decision about financing the first session of MC. So, based on what you've learned from past experiences and what your main goal is today, how would you answer those question?

I would like to say something impressively insightful that you would agree with based on what I should have learned and what my goals are but I'm not there yet.

I do think that sex should maybe be more a gradual extension on how we are as a couple rather than just doing it because we can or want to based on how horny we are.

Before W and I had dinner and talked on Sunday I was under the impression that it may have been a mistake. I found it quite productive and would be interested in participating in more of the same should the situation arise.

[T1000]

I decided that today would be a day that I wouldn't contact W unless I really had to.
I have had a habit of getting too talky after a brief periods of positive responses from W.
I make sure that I'm not too interested and don't come across as the pursuer if I can help it.

The MC contacted me today with the session times. I would have left it until tomorrow to inform W but she happened to message me in the evening to ask how my day was. We briefly spoke about our days for a bit.

She mentioned S3 being hard work and then asked me when i was off work and my Spidey-Sense starting tingling.
I honestly thought she was gonna start up with me having the kids during the week even though she was quite particular in the kids weekly routine not being changed too much last week.
I was ready to not take any BS.....

It didn't happen, she just asked if i was going visit the kids at all that week.

I told her about the MC times. Also expecting some sort of reason for not being able to go...
She said she would arrange a sitter.

Early days yet and things can change hour to hour but I was nicely surprised this evening. I've still got one eye open but the other eye is quite relaxed.

[Fartiltre]

Pulling!

[T1000]

As I said things can change hour to hour.


W text me this morning:

Hi. I think it's best you have the kids for a day's on your time off.
S3 has been a bloody nightmare (she mentioned this last night). Had me in tears the last two days. Actually at my wits end with him. I'm exhausted!!!


I'm fine with having the kids for a few days.
Is she taking advantage of the situation? I know that isn't my issue but it does come to mind.
She stated quite strongly that the kids routines shouldn't be changed during the week. Now it suits her it is OK to change that.

I want to say:
You said that the kids weekly routine shouldn't be changed and even though I wanted to have them at some point during the week I respected your wishes. Now you have done a U turn on that and you want to change it because it suits you.
I would love to have the kids for a bit although I would like more consistency in what you actually want.
I will let you know what days work will work for me.

I'm gonna stop there because I think it sounds a bit like rambling.

The issue of U turning on her wishes is annoying.

Do I deal with it in the reply?
Should I just phone to see how she is?
Should I validate on how she feeling?

This s where I find it hard to do the next thing myself without advice.

If I just say yes

Instead of posting on here and then waiting for the answer I thought about it for a good while and came up with this:

Of course I will.
I'm sorry he is being such hard work.
What about the routine?
You were very against changing it last week.

- Yes I will have the kids.
- Validation.
- Mention her U turn and get feedback about it.

[T1000]

She replied:

F**k the routine....I think they need a break from me as much as I need one from them.

I really don't like this reply. The swearing doesn't bother me as it tells me how strongly she feels about it.
I don't like being told I shouldn't have the kids because of routine then the routine gets dropped a week later.
I do find that they benefit from time apart, on Friday they can't wait to leave and on Sunday they are happy to go back.

How do I address this in a positive way that doesn't cause a massive argument?

I find as I start to write on here it helps my thought process and I can make the next move I think is appropriate.

I replied:

Telling me one week I can't have them then changing it the next week makes it hard for me to know where I stand.
I understand it can get hard.
I will let you know what days.
Probably all day Monday and Tuesday morning.

Felt like a good reply at the time.
I addressed the U-turning, I again validated and gave the best answer I could right with what I know.

Still not totally sure when this sort of behaviour should be addressed, whether at the time or at a later date.
If I was there in person and saw she was under a lot of stress and overloaded I would wait.
If I was there and she seemed fine I would tackle in there and then.

[T1000]

Wife:
You are right...I don't want to change their routine but what choice do i have if you refuse to come here and help me????
They have changed because they go to (where I live). I don't particularly want them going there and obviously work out what is best for them in the long run, even if that means every other weekend there cos I am struggling to cope with his tantrums.

Me:
I don't think it is good for kids to be so fragmented in their home life either but they still have a home here.
I think we should discuss this more next time we sit down to talk in person.

Wife;
OK

I had a lot more to say on the matter but via text isn't the way I'm going do this.

I honestly didn't think she would have stopped there, normally she would have kept it going.

[T1000]

I think we both tackled that conversation different than we would have in the past. It's far from perfect but I'm seeing something.

[labug]

Keep what's best for the kids at the forefront of the conversation. She probably is at her wit's end, 2 kids under 5 can be a handful. She works FT, right?

You did fine. See what happens when you think! Did you see how she started thinking and trying to come up with a solution?

When you talk with her in person tell her what you need in terms of consistency you might let her know that you will be available to swap times or help out in unusual circumstances.

How far is the drive?

Just one little reminder:

I honestly didn't think she would have stopped there, normally she would have kept it going.

You both would have kept is going. You stayed in control and the conversation was controlled.

Keep building on the positives.

[T1000]

Keep what's best for the kids at the forefront of the conversation. She probably is at her wit's end, 2 kids under 5 can be a handful. She works FT, right?

You did fine. See what happens when you think! Did you see how she started thinking and trying to come up with a solution?

When you talk with her in person tell her what you need in terms of consistency you might let her know that you will be available to swap times or help out in unusual circumstances.

How far is the drive?

Just one little reminder:

I honestly didn't think she would have stopped there, normally she would have kept it going.

You both would have kept is going. You stayed in control and the conversation was controlled.

Keep building on the positives.

What is FT?
She doesn't work.

It pays to think.

The drive is 1 hour 10 mins on a really good run but tends to be 1 hour 25/30 mins.

We both would have kept it going, I have noticed that and tried to change accordingly. I didn't expect it from her too.

[labug]

Ohhh I thought she worked outside the home. FT is fulltime. See I have to constantly clarify.

For me, unless my kids were ill driving that distance at the drop of a hat wouldn't be sustainable.

We both would have kept it going, I have noticed that and tried to change accordingly. I didn't expect it from her too.

Isn't that what DB's about, changing you can change them?