Ahhhhh! The "external happiness factor"! What IS that next thing that will make them happy? Did you ever see the movie The Matrix? Sometimes I feel like I took the wrong pill!
"You take the blue pill, the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill, you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes."
Why didn't I take the Blue Pill!!! LOL!!! My SBXW must have a prescription.
Good morning doll!
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
Its amazing to me how once the seal is broken the pain is numbed.....
For me, The shock and pain of her first night away- I wanted to die.......now its just what it is.
Look at you.........you overcame the shock of confirmation. Now,He needs to do this for his own journey.
Growth and strength- Evolved individuals who simply dont react emotionally are amazing.
WOW
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
I agree. I have been stepping back slowly. Off fb, not contacting with chit chat but being funny and upbeat when he does answer back etc.
I've made a coaching session because I am a little stuck. I know you advocate more space and I see the validity.
I do.. only because I sense a little bit of manipulation on your part.. or otherwise you wouldn't give him info that you would like him to process.
The thing is you can't have an agenda. It's not your place to "show" your H anything... including being there for him. Because the motive is you motivated vs. him motivated.
Originally Posted By: kate's_place
But h has also felt I never needed him for anything. So I have to find that line where I validate his decisions etc but also give him his space. Where he knows he can find me but also the time he needs.
Pretty difficult right now. Spent my marriage pulling away and to do it now would be a grave. Error. But I have to let him find him first I guess.
I agree with urworthy.. you can walk the line.. but it is hard. And IMO - This an core issue.
It's about you working on yourself Kate... finding out WHY you felt the need to do it on your own. We were created to have relationships with other people. To call on them when we want (not needed) help. To experience our joys and our struggles.
So it's not about the superficial stuff of asking H to do x or sharing y with him. It's digging deeper to look at reasons behind why you chose to seclude him.
Once you deal with that - then I believe it will get easier.
Deal with the heart issues - then the change will happen more naturally.
Does that make sense?
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Ha! Val it Is manipulation and I do recognize it trust me. It is why I have been questioning things lately. It's the last hurdle so to speak.
Today h and I did activity perfectly fun and no expectation. I commented on what a great time I had without anything else being in the room ( like any physical tension or flirting ). H mentioned he had great time as well free of expectation.
He said he was sorry that date didn't work out. I said date was a nice guy and would make Some mediocre woman very happy. H looked at me and I said "I may be a lot of things but mediocre? is not one of them" He agreed
So i could have manipulated tonight. I did not. H knows I am off to Boston meeting up with some people I met online. That's the extent ( since we have kids and they know)
Xgf wrote h a dear John letter from other country. Had found a new bf in that country and now they are living together here. H tells me this. I say simply that everyone comes into your life for a reason. You learn lessons and move forward or you repeat the lesson until you get it. I also added thAt inft sorry for xgf. Which , I actually do.
