As far as the finacials, can you support the household on your own? I would seriously consider writing all the bills out and figuring out what u expect for help from her.
You've made comments about her living in a single bedroom, kitchenette, like she's single again. BEWARE. I'd seriously consider opening your own acct, and closing the joint acct (or at least putting a hold on it). I think you expecting her to be responsible for half an acct is dangerous in her current state of mind.
They get to that place, then realize they need new curtains, want to decorate the kitchen and bath their own way. It consumes them for a bit, and their finances. They become free in their mind and its a very perilous time. They discover a new freedom, and just don't act responsibly. She's lying to you now, and I would expect that trend to continue for a while unfortunetly.
I also think your right about the time you have the girls, maybe not 100% but certainly closer to 85-90%. I tried to go back and do some reading here and there, but couldn't really find a financially stable MLC spouse. Its always new cloths, makeovers, nails, tattoos, and generally irresponsibility. Plz be ready to protect yourself and your kids.
I generally think things have to hit rock bottom before they can get better, do you think she's hit rock bottom yet?
Thumper, thanks for the advice. I've been thinking about this some more. My W has not thought about the kids and custody. I think I'm going to tell her that they should sleep here 5 nights a week so as not to disrupt their schedule. She can have them Fri. evening through Sunday night. I'll have them Sun night through Friday morning. On Wed, when I do my GAL activity of sailing every week, she can have dinner with them, do homework, and put them to bed in our house.
For the finances I was going to tell her that I need $$ from her each month to keep the house going and pay for everything else associated with the house.
For the finances, she spent lots of $$ but in June she kinda of stopped her spending spree. (in May she spent $3000 on clothes for herself!) So far we have not had any financial issues between us. The joint bank account is actually only about 20% of our cash assets. I have the other 80% in mutual funds that my W does not have ready access to because she was never interested in such things. I feel more or less OK about the money, and I think it is better not to make an issue of it that will just move us further apart.
I'm not sure what rock bottom would look like. For her, it might be:
1. living alone 2. not being accepted to the university 3. realize that she's losing me? her family?
I would be afraid to combat lonliness she calls back her 1-night stand. I understand he's homeless and sleeping on somebody's couch. This is an expensive area and I doubt surf instructors earn that much.
I too am impressed with how strong you sound SA. W will surely notice this, and it will make you more attractive to her.
As for how to make the separation work, I think you're doing great there too. You want to lay out rules, expectations, timelines, kids, money etc. Get together with her and negotiate all this early on. Do this right and then you can better go dim and allow her to see what reality without you and her family together will be like.
Let go of her completely and let the Reality Stick do it's job.
Quote:
I would be afraid to combat lonliness she calls back her 1-night stand. I understand he's homeless and sleeping on somebody's couch. This is an expensive area and I doubt surf instructors earn that much.
I know, but you can't control this so don't worry about it. (or snoop!) It will only hurt you and your chances for R. You can always request testing for std's should she want back in the M.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
oh dear Sailing, judging by the folks the rest of our spouses have chosen as OP, a homeless surf instructor sleeping on someone's couch sounds like just the ticket for your wife. As Cadet always says, they "affair down!"
If she spent $3,000 in one month just on clothes for herself, maybe you should take Thumpered's advice about protecting yourself financially, to open separate bank accounts and credit cards instead of expecting her to have the self control to only use her "half" of the money in your joint account. I wouldn't be counting on her chipping in on your expenses much either
Good luck, and even though it is not what I would have done in your situation, I do admire you for sticking to your boundary.
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
FY, thanks for the confidence. I have rethought about asking her to leave, but I keep coming back to the idea that if I did nothing I would have no self-respect, and she probably wouldn't respect me either knowing that I knew and did nothing.
yesterday I went sailing with my buddies as we do in a race every Wed evening. It is the highlight of my week usually -- GAL does work!
One guy I sail with is 30 years old and somewhat of a player. He's always dating a new girl. He has a new girlfriend who he spent the weekend with. On Monday he work up and he had a nasty looking rash down there. He was like, "hey on Friday I didn't have this rash, now after the weekend I have it?" Anyway, it seems he has a staff infection and the physician suggested maybe from not cleaning his gym shorts -- anyway we had a great laugh at his expense.
As far as my sitch, I saw my W briefly when I got home after sailing. She had just put the girls to bed. She did not want to make eye contact with me. We spoke briefly, standing up in the hallway about the kids' schedule over the next few days. I asked her if she wanted to talk now since she was there instead of waiting to the weekend like planned. She said no. I then told her I needed to eat dinner and wished her a goodnight, and she left.
She seemed like a mess internally. My W is pretty good at masking her feelings, but I could tell she was upset. I don't think she's coming back anytime soon, the guilt is probably consuming her right now.
SA, I also admire you for setting the boundary with your W and sticking to it. Right now in my situation I am also trying to figure out some boundaries that I may need to set later on down the road... since things seem to always be getting crazier! I do not want to get taken advantage of and walked all over.
That is great that you are able to go sailing so often, that is a great GAL!
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
OK the Wife just invited a friend over to our house on Friday evening. WTF? she's not living there anymore. I don't want to pressure her on the relationship, but I want to establish what being separated means.
Here's how I intend to reply, any comments on whether it is appropriate?
"WIFE,
I'm a little confused abou you inviting FRIEND over. If we're separated, I don't see us entertaining guests together? And it's probably not good for you to entertain at the OTHER FRIEND'S HOUSE YOUR STAYING AT. And if we're separated, I don't see you coming over to entertain somebody individually while I'm there.
Maybe we're just not communicating our plans with each other, and we probably need to agree on what living apart means. Unless you plan on moving back home.
If you want we can discuss this tonight.
Let me know what you intend before I meet with FRIEND this afternoon, in case we have to retract the invitation.
I would suggest talking to her about it in person, rather than sending an email, that way you can ask her right out what her intentions were/plans were. Perhaps you misinterpreted what her plans were? Then, after she told you I would simply state that it doesn't make sense for her to entertain at your house, since she is no longer living there.
BTW.. does she have a key to your place? Does she call before coming over to your place, and knock before entering? Or does she still come right in as if it is still her place?
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
See, this is what I mean about settling on all the ground rules for the separation ahead of time.
I'd be inclined to let her keep her Friday plans at your home. You had no agreement restricting this, correct?
Tell W you'd like to get together to agree on the terms of separation. Write it all down. Then there is no misunderstand or "making up rules" or taking of liberties as you go. Don't forget to include duration.
Take some time to figure out what terms you want before the meet up. Allow W to have a say in this. Negotiate with her.
I don't think you have much say on her entertaining at the other house.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I just telephoned the W to discuss. It seems she still has not processed the idea of being separated. I told her I thought it would be awkward to entertain together being that we're not living together. There were long silences on her part in the conversation while she was trying to think of what to say. Anyway, we decided to cancel.
FY, yes I will make sure we discuss the separation. I'm waiting on my W to have this discussion. She's still processing what she wants to do, and I'm not going to pressure her. Her main deadline, I think, is that she is currently staying at our friend's house while they are out of town on vacation. They come back this weekend. They are very nice, and I'm sure they will offer to let her stay, but she will probably want to move out. So she will have to find herself a place. I don't think she did any looking since she works all day, and I more or less know what she's done after work these days.
All her actions and what she says, tells me that she is confused inside. I wish I could help her, but I think being on this forum for 7 months has taught me that now is the time where I stand on the side and watch. She has to do her own thing.
