Husband Threatened to Leave, Don't know what to do

[chl0901]

Britt, I know what you mean about having a moody H. Mine is the same way. One day he will be in a great mood and joke with me and play with our S and the next he will be quiet and anything I say or do annoys him. It's very hard to deal with! When he is in a mood, I just let him be and try not to let it affect me anymore. In the past, I would badger and try to talk or reason with him but it would just make him more mad. Very difficult to live and deal with!

[TrentC]

No Trent there was no OW last time? Not that I know of anyways? Haha.

I was thinking of this:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1870018#Post1870018

In fact, I'd go back and reread your old thread entirely. There's a lot of good advice, especially since it looks like many of the same issues are coming up again.

The reason I believe him and what he was doing is because we have two friends staying at our house right now until their new house is built and the one guy works with him and came home from work and told me H asked him to go workout with him after they get home but he said he was too tired. So I asked him if H was still gonna go alone and be said yes. There is no OW.

Maybe not, but there is definitely more to what he's going through than what he is telling you. And you can't be responsible for fixing things you don't know about.

If he wants to be a grumpy snarky ass, leave him alone. If he wants to act more like your husband, then treat him like it. You get a say in what your marriage is going to be like just as much as he does.

[MrBond]

"His joke was insensitive for sure. He's threatening to leave you and your three kids."

I can't stress this enough. From a guy's POV, it was just a joke and you're reading too much into it. PLUS he did not threaten to leave you and the kids. He said (paraphrasing) that if he didn't want your M he would have been gone already.

You're going through "analysis paralysis" whereby you're breaking down every single thing that he's doing. If you keep doing this, THAT is what's unattractive and is going to drive him away. No one wants to live under another person's microscope.

You keep saying that he's "miserable". That's YOUR interpretation. He could have had a lousy day at work or something might have come up that he's trying to process. IT doesn't have to always be about the M. That's why I stressed that when you hug him you have to tell him that you can see something is bothering him and that while he may not want to talk to you now, you're there for him. Just the hug isn't enough.

[Lll54]

It's very hard to deal with! When he is in a mood, I just let him be and try not to let it affect me anymore. In the past, I would badger and try to talk or reason with him but it would just make him more mad. Very difficult to live and deal with!

Yes! I'm definitely in the stage where I am overcompensating I feel. I'm constantly hugging him and kissing trying to improve his mood but it doesn't work. I don't think its making him more mad necessarily but its not helping either....

Chl0901, did you ever have the feeling he was gonna blame the mood issues on your marriage when its not always the issue?

[MrBond]

"I'm constantly hugging him and kissing trying to improve his mood but it doesn't work."

You're approaching it the wrong way. Do these things because it's a part of who the new you is. DON'T do it in expectation of something. That's why you're driving YOURSELF crazy. You EXPECT him to act one way and when he doesn't you get paranoid.

[chl0901]

Chl0901, did you ever have the feeling he was gonna blame the mood issues on your marriage when its not always the issue?

Britt, yes, I do wonder/worry about that. I know that I am not that difficult of a person to live with or as annoying as he acts like I am sometimes. And I'm realllyyyy trying to correct some of my undesirable habits (such as interrupting and nagging). However, from what I've read so far, that is typical of a WAS to blame things and being unhappy or in bad moods, etc. on the LBS even if that is not the case. I think it's just easier for them to lay the blame on us a lot of times, which isn't fair, but then again, I don't think any of this is!

[Lll54]

Maybe not, but there is definitely more to what he's going through than what he is telling you. And you can't be responsible for fixing things you don't know about.

I'm starting to wonder if he actually knows himself what's going on? He doesn't seem to have an answer? He really looks lost in his feelings. He stated again today, " I'm just miserable" and I asked him what it is and he shrugged his shoulders and said he doesn't know.

You're going through "analysis paralysis" whereby you're breaking down every single thing that he's doing. If you keep doing this, THAT is what's unattractive and is going to drive him away. No one wants to live under another person's microscope.

Yes I definitely am. Its consuming my whole life right now. I can't even stomach food. It has totally wiped the last week of my life away.

You keep saying that he's "miserable". That's YOUR interpretation. He could have had a lousy day at work or something might have come up that he's trying to process. IT doesn't have to always be about the M. That's why I stressed that when you hug him you have to tell him that you can see something is bothering him and that while he may not want to talk to you now, you're there for him. Just the hug isn't enough.

Its not my interpretation MrBond. He has told me numerous times that he is "miserable" He said it again today. Yelled at my 7 year old then came and told me his "miserable" mood is being taken out on the kids and he hates it. I asked him if its work and he said no. I asked him if he wants to tell me anything and he said no. I asked if he wants to talk to somebody and he said "no!" I gave him and hug and he snuggled in with his head but no touch from his hands. He has been playing cheeky with me all day. Had his hand out earlier and i grabbed it and he pulled away and said "don't touch me" and I said "fine" and walked away and he goes "im just kidding, relax" and put his hand out for me again. Then later he told me I look really skinny lately (mainly cause i haven't eaten in a week) and I went to say thank you and give him a hug and he had this weird look in his eyes. I told him he looks like he wants to kill me and he goes " actions speak louder than words" , so I fought the tears and said "oh, ok" and tried to walk away and he grabbed me back and gave me a "half-hug". Like so confusing.

But all day has been talking about our weekend away coming up and we got a new fridge today that's been on order and he seemed excited about that and really isn't showing me signs of leaving per say. But he is a very independant man and if he wakes up one day and thinks its me and this marriage he will walk our regardless.

One other quick comment he made was a joke...but not really. He asked if my best friend can reschedule her wedding in August cause his baseball team windup is that day. Like sounds like his priorities are way out of line. Even though he was joking...I know he wishes it were do-able.

[Lll54]

In fact, I'd go back and reread your old thread entirely. There's a lot of good advice, especially since it looks like many of the same issues are coming up again.

Thanks Trent. I think I will...his sad, depressive self feels all but too much the same

If he wants to be a grumpy snarky ass, leave him alone. If he wants to act more like your husband, then treat him like it. You get a say in what your marriage is going to be like just as much as he does.

This is so true...but right now I'm striving for anything from him to help me get through the day. Its such a battle.

This may sound really silly...but he has been in intense training for hockey season and hasn't been eating. He doesn't understand healthy eating....but that's not the issue. I find when he doesn't eat and he is starving he is in a terrible terrible mood. As soon as he eats he is better. Also the same with sleep. I let him sleep in late yesterday and we had an amazing day! He thanked me for the sleep and was so responsive and great. Then he stays out till 3 am and gets to bed at 4 am and is now having a terrible day again....wtf.

[MrBond]

"but no touch from his hands."

This is an example of overanalyzing.

Breathe and JUST LET IT GO.

"Like sounds like his priorities are way out of line."

To whose standards? Yours? Stop interpreting what he is doing. You're mindreading so badly right now.

[TrentC]

Its not my interpretation MrBond. He has told me numerous times that he is "miserable" He said it again today. Yelled at my 7 year old then came and told me his "miserable" mood is being taken out on the kids and he hates it. I asked him if its work and he said no. I asked him if he wants to tell me anything and he said no. I asked if he wants to talk to somebody and he said "no!"

Well, then you have your answer. He knows it's his problem and he doesn't want any help figuring it out, so that makes him responsible for fixing it, not you.

If you need to distract yourself with something then focus on your boys, because they need a parent they can rely on.

I gave him and hug and he snuggled in with his head but no touch from his hands.

MrBond has it exactly right; you cannot dissect every single thing he says and does to this degree, you will drive yourself crazy!

He has been playing cheeky with me all day. Had his hand out earlier and i grabbed it and he pulled away and said "don't touch me" and I said "fine" and walked away and he goes "im just kidding, relax" and put his hand out for me again.

You can't let his cycling get you all worked up. Anything he says is cause for you to doubt yourself, doubt him, or both. If you can't handle his mood swings right now then you need to create some space for yourself.

I know he wants more affection from you and you want to provide it for him, but maybe now is not the time to be chasing him because there is obviously more to his problems than meets the eye. If he was a little bit older I'd wonder if he wasn't having a midlife crisis.