Thanks, Thumpered. That really helped right now. I'm trying to live "in the moment." I did get signed up for the 8 week stress management / pain reduction class my counselor referced me to, and part of it is covered by insurance. It's doesn't start until September, but I guess that gives me something to look forward to.
When I sent my W the info on the mortgage, I sent a summary of all of our debts. Because I always paid the bills, I thinks she's in for a shock - I thinks she's forgotten about half of what we're still paying for. Not even sure she knew the car wasn't paid off yet.
Years ago, when were were in college and we had a fight and it seemed we might split up, my W threatened to kill herself because she had no family and would be alone.
After we almost split up last time, when we tried to go back to CO, we had a pretty big fight - the first one where stuff from BD #1 and PA #1 came up. I stormed off and went to a movie to cool down. She texted me threatening to kill herself, saying "I won't be a problem anymore" or something.
How come, she can be *that* distraught, when she's not in a secure position, but then turn around and have no problem telling me know that she can (almost) support herself, that she doesn't expect me to forgive her or be happy for her while she does something that tears my heart out. I know that's classic MLC/WAS behavior, but it's killing me because I wan't so bad to ask her that directly. I know I can't, from a DB perspective, but it's so freaking hard.
It's not MLC behavior. It's straight out manipulation. She does it because it works on you. The next time she tells you that, call 911 and tell them she's threatening to kill herself. Let her deal with the paramedics.
I was right about her not understanding our financial situation. She said she thought the car was much closer to being paid off, and didn't realize how much other debt there was. She seems to realize my job situation is perilous (it always is with the outsourcing of computer jobs anyway) and that I'm not necessarily going to be a permanent source of income.
I think she also notices my attempts to respond differently - she calls it "rationalizing" and "not "listening." Not sure if that's standard fare for the WAS/MLC spouse to reply to the LBS, but it seems about right. :-/
She also acknowledged that it was not very kind to leave me stuck without a car and offered to bring me groceries/pharmacy stuff while I was looking for something, but she said we should have 2 cars and seemed to think demanding money for "a junker" to replace "her" car was acceptable.
Had to bite my tongue and let that slide, only because I agree that we should have 2 cars and have been looking for another one. I understand that she still feels the need to reply with a provocation or accusation - I thought we may have moved beyond that, but the financial discussion seems to have opened that up a bit again.
Well, are you listening? Only you and her are gonna know that.
Second, you are probably trying to rationalize what she's thinking, when she doenst even know what shes thinking half the time. Put the facts out there when she asks, that's all you can do, you get in a dangerous place when you try to think what she's thinking, or justify it as just WAS/MLC talk.
Its best to try to not think about it one way or that other, just treat it as it is what it is.
About the listening, I am, but I think what she's saying is that I'm not agreeing that it's best to get a D quickly so she can be happy, etc. So, in that respect, I guess DBing by it's very nature is "not listening." But I try to validate her feelings every time we interact, so if that's what she means, she'll probably see that as "not listening."
Therein lies the problem of course. Trying to watch for meaningful communication when we can't trust what they say. I keep hearing MWD saying "your W will tell you in no uncertain terms that she was never happy in the relationship..." True that!
Staying the course. She knows my stance on the D, and waiting to see if her infatuation lasts (not that I said that directly to her that way), but that I won't purposely delay or try to hide from a process server or anything like that. She's very afraid of that and keeps giving me dire warnings of bringing more trouble to myself if I do that - I just let those slide. There's no response I could give on that.
She sent me a pic of a used car on FB that was local to where she is. I said the price looks right.
She said "Just showing you a car under $1000".
Not entirely sure of the point. If she meant for her to buy, or for me. I told her "thanks, I've looked on craigslist and such and realize there are some out there."
It doesn't help me if I can't get to where it is. Not taking a $100 cab ride to view a car that might be a total clunker.
But, I don't see this as a genuine attempt to help the situation, so just left it at that. Not even going to ask for clarification on it, because I'm positive she'll just blow up again.
Linda, I seem to have lost track of your post, but you refer to "the Russian tramp." I have dubbed W's OM "the contractor." :-(
Did good GAL activity for still being home bound. Went for a pretty good walk, then did some exercise when I got home, then did 15 minute meditation (guided, via MP3).
Was a tough morning with a lot of back/forth with W about finances. I was right about her not understanding how much I was actually paying for still, and she sure doesn't have any qualms about playing the income disparity and asking me for stuff. She got much more civil when the financial situation sunk in. I can't even imagine what it's like to tell someone how perfect the OM is, how you've never been happy in the M, but it's ok that you mostly supported me for years and I want more of that, thanks. Geez.
I have read the WAW chapters and watched Michele's vids on YouTube enough that I do get that this is not unexpected behavior, nor is her accusing me of drama if I say anything that contradicts her feelings, but to feel free to lash out at me any time for anything.
I got back on track, DB-wise, and we got back to discussing my lack of transportation. She did try to make suggestions about how we can get another car, who should drive which, etc. She offered again to bring me some groceries or stuff from the pharmacy.
Weird. For some reason our conversations seem to have gone from email to text to Facebook messaging. So, basically, all of our personal problems are being archived and parsed for their advertising value. Seriously, FB is starting to show me adds for dating sites and divorce stuff. :-(
Before I ever heard of DBing, my doctor told me about his friends who got divorced. They remained civil, and started being friends, and communicating more and more. Eventually they remarried. It was the first DB story I ever heard and probably gave me the little spark of hope and the wisdom to not be bitter and angry, like I was with my first ex. Anyway, I thought I'd share that story.
We are able to have nice, simple communications, via FB msg, txt, etc. about the house. She thanked me for sending the curtain, and asked about some other curtain related business. I just replied with a friendly joke about curtains always being too long or too short (we've done a lot of curtain shopping/fitting together, with all the moves we've made).
It's hard, but I try to remember that this is an important thing, being able to communicate at all. Many don't even have that right now.
Was a bad day for me in that I slept too much again and let my blood sugar get a bit low. Bit rainy, but I'll try to get a walk in. Need to get sleep/work back on track!
A few more steps in the marathon! Staying the course.
