I agree. I have been stepping back slowly. Off fb, not contacting with chit chat but being funny and upbeat when he does answer back etc.
I've made a coaching session because I am a little stuck. I know you advocate more space and I see the validity.
I do.. only because I sense a little bit of manipulation on your part.. or otherwise you wouldn't give him info that you would like him to process.
The thing is you can't have an agenda. It's not your place to "show" your H anything... including being there for him. Because the motive is you motivated vs. him motivated.
Originally Posted By: kate's_place
But h has also felt I never needed him for anything. So I have to find that line where I validate his decisions etc but also give him his space. Where he knows he can find me but also the time he needs.
Pretty difficult right now. Spent my marriage pulling away and to do it now would be a grave. Error. But I have to let him find him first I guess.
I agree with urworthy.. you can walk the line.. but it is hard. And IMO - This an core issue.
It's about you working on yourself Kate... finding out WHY you felt the need to do it on your own. We were created to have relationships with other people. To call on them when we want (not needed) help. To experience our joys and our struggles.
So it's not about the superficial stuff of asking H to do x or sharing y with him. It's digging deeper to look at reasons behind why you chose to seclude him.
Once you deal with that - then I believe it will get easier.
Deal with the heart issues - then the change will happen more naturally.
Does that make sense?
M(f): 43 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
