Need help detaching

[lost_hope]

Also labug, part of me wants to be hot if and when we break. I want him to see what he's going to be missing! Hence the hair, makeup, exercise. I know what's probably not a good reason but I'm being honest ...

[chl0901]

Of course I am not allowed to say anything about anything

I know what you mean!

1. Lose baby weight and get in shape. I was a size 0 before pregnancy and have only gained about 22 pound so far and all in belly and boobs, so this should be easy. What I do anticipate however is that I will be flabby. In addition since I'm naturally skinny I never exercise (beyond the occasional random dance class). Once I recover from c section I'm going to incorporate fitness into my routine at least 5 times a week, mostly from home (have to be realistic with new baby) and occasional Pilates and dance classes outside the home (which I can use as part of my new mom approved GAL).

2. Focus more on hair and makeup. Apparently he was bothered by the fact that I don't wear makeup daily (never was a problem before in fact he used to tell me I don't need it) and pointed out that at 34 I'm no spring chicken. He didnt complain about hair but I've taken to buns and ponytais lately. After baby us born i will make it a point to do both daily, even if that means I have to wake up earlier than I want. I also may try new style and colour, though im very conservative so it wont ever be too drastic (brown instead of black, loose waves instead of stick straight). Since I'm not a morning person ill have to make sure I'm going to sleep earlier at night (once baby sleeps through the night of course).

3. Deal with my anxiety. I'm going to go to IC as soon as I can and also start on meds to help as needed.

4. Be more tidy around the house. Though this is not something I feel I should focus on (being the one who has always earned more / always worked) its important to him. I will be more conscientious about it but also will hire a cleaning lady to assist me in the much bigger Space were moving into.

5. I will try to be more patient with others and avoid high stress situations (interacting with customer service reps for instance).

Thoughts? Are these too superficial?

I don't think most of these are too superficial. I do have a couple of comments though. As far as losing your baby weight, since you were small before and haven't gained a great deal of weight, I don't think you will have a huge problem with the skin as you mentioned. I would just say to moisturize, moisturize, moisturize! I know a lot of it depends on your genes, but just give your body some time and do some light working out or walking and I'm sure you will be good there.

About the hair - I know what you mean! I started to live in buns!
I still wore my long hair up for about six months after my son was born because he would pull my hair out if I wore it down! I now try to make more of an effort by doing my hair a couple of times a week.

Even though I also work FT (like H) and I take care of S by a huge majority when I am home, I am also expected to keep a tidy/clean house and do the laundry, etc. I just try to think of it as for myself too, because I do like a pretty neat home. If you are able to hire some help for that, by all means do!

And as for the patience, a lot of people could benefit from having more! My S as a newborn gave me a whole new outlook on having patience - who knows, maybe you will have a similar experience!

Also labug, part of me wants to be hot if and when we break. I want him to see what he's going to be missing! Hence the hair, makeup, exercise. I know what's probably not a good reason but I'm being honest ...

And I can definitely relate with this thought as well! I don't think there's anything wrong with that...being hot for your H as well as yourself!

[lost_hope]

Thanks for your comments chl0901, I really appreciate it. I am going to be 35 in a few months so part of it is also wanting to feel a little light and airy again. I feel figuratively heavy. I think that these past two years (separation/EA, getting back together, pregnancy/miscarriage/newly discovered uterine tumours, pregancy, separation/potential divorce) have really taken its toll on me. You are right about my body so maybe I'll just wait and see on that one, plus as labug reminded me I am having major abdominal surgery that I will need to recover from. I wouldn't mind a few days out for some cardio and also to GAL outside the home. I am ok with the hair/makeup thing bc as I stated I like doing these things just have pushed it down on my priority list.

The cleaning -- I am by no means dirty or anything it's just that I don't enjoy overly cleaning and I don't like to do it in my free time. I'd much rather read the news or follow a lead for the consulting business. When my son is born I know I'm going to much rather cuddle him or teach him how to read (lol). You know what I mean.

And like you although I work f/t outside the home and of course I will bear the brunt of the childrearing (esp when he's a baby and my H cant' really "do anything" with him) I am just expected to care about this more . Anyway I am trying in that area. I am never going to live up to his perfect role model in that area, his mom who is constantly cleaning her home. And let's not forget I was always like this and he swore in the beginning of our relationship he didnt' care (like the makeup thing) and now suddenly it has become an issue.

So ... he just texted me that he's going out with work buddies after work. Part of what used to bug me was that he never told me where he was going. I have to admit at least he's trying in that area. Of course in a perfect world he would be coming home to me and spending time with me but as we are still in this tense weird pattern it's probably best that he goes out. Now I did break down last time and text him at 2 AM last time he was out and got upset. I am going to DB like mad tonight, not text him, and only ask whether he had a good time with a smile on my face (if I'm still up) when he comes home. Prediction game: "Tonight I will not care about when my H comes home and I will appreciate the fact that he told me in advance where he was going and with whom. I will not pick a fight with him, be upset, or text/call if he comes home late." (I modify the prediction game from DB a bit to suit my needs).

[lost_hope]

Sigh ... In not going to be able to do this while we live together hard to detach. This morning he goes downstairs and gets orange juice ... For himself. None for me. He's so @*@>>%# selfish! I can't believe this is the man I married. I did say something "thanks" then he made a move to go downstairs and I said "forget it. Ill get it myself". He's on the phone so I just quickly moved to go downstairs. To prevent an argument I'm going to go take a shower now. And when he brings it up in the car ill just ignore it ill say "no big deal". But I'm so frustrated. Like what I fighting for? I'm fighting to be with a selfish unkind man who leaves me every two years and is not concerned about my pregnancy in a normal way? I know I'm cycling down. And I will try to do the prediction game " I will have a calm day. I will not let his actions affect my mood." But it's hard. sorry guys.

[labug]

About the being hot when and if you break up. It's putting a lot of pressure on you and the baby. Looking hot or not looking hot isn't he reason men leave or stay. They may say all those things but it's not the core and I would guess you probably know that to be true. The core of this has nothing to do with you and that's what makes this so flippin' difficult.

However, I completely understand that feeling of wanting to look fantastic. You might, you may have the genetics.

About the juice, did you really expect him to get juice for you? Those pesky expectations. He's marching to a different drummer and probably thinks he's doing you a great favor by continuing to live with you. Getting juice would have indicated that he had some feeling for you and he's trying to show the opposite of that. It succks. It's painful but you can't change him and it seems he sees no need to change. You are the source of all his unhappiness (in his head). We all know that's not true but that's what you're dealing with.

You can only take care of yourself, which for me would mean spending as little time with him as possible. That may not work for you.

Do you have friends? Can you get out of the house after work? Or go have a massage? Pedicure? Yoga? Divorce support group?

[chl0901]

I understand! I am having a down day too. Sometimes I wonder if my efforts are even worth it, but then I remember that even if my M doesn't work out, then at least I will know I will be okay in the end whatever the outcome. Just trying to continue to work on myself and remembering to BREATHE!

[planet]

right now your H wants to be a father more than a WAS but not enough to be a husband.
Just let it go....like what u plan to say "no big deal".
You've got much more important stuff to take care of than letting this incident gets to you

[lost_hope]

About the being hot when and if you break up. It's putting a lot of pressure on you and the baby. Looking hot or not looking hot isn't he reason men leave or stay. They may say all those things but it's not the core and I would guess you probably know that to be true. The core of this has nothing to do with you and that's what makes this so flippin' difficult.

However, I completely understand that feeling of wanting to look fantastic. You might, you may have the genetics.

About the juice, did you really expect him to get juice for you? Those pesky expectations. He's marching to a different drummer and probably thinks he's doing you a great favor by continuing to live with you. Getting juice would have indicated that he had some feeling for you and he's trying to show the opposite of that. It succks. It's painful but you can't change him and it seems he sees no need to change. You are the source of all his unhappiness (in his head). We all know that's not true but that's what you're dealing with.

You can only take care of yourself, which for me would mean spending as little time with him as possible. That may not work for you.

Do you have friends? Can you get out of the house after work? Or go have a massage? Pedicure? Yoga? Divorce support group?

Lol, labug. Don't know why but the bolded made me laugh so much. Not sure if that was your intention but thanks for the smile.

I know looking hot won't make him stay but he did mention about me wearing makeup. Also that is the fun 180s as far as I'm concerned b/c I like doing those things. Finally, even if doesn't make him stay (which I know it won't/cant't) if he leaves I want him to see that I'm not some depressed mess who has given up. They say sometimes that post breakup the best thing a woman can do is look great.

I have friends, but I just honestly don't have time for too much socializing now. I have a condo to pack, move to orchestrate, closings on both properties, preparing for temporary stay with MIL, etc etc. All the GAL/socializing will have to be put on hold until 1-2 months after. I literally don't have the time now ... I'm ok. You know what? I come on here and vent a lot, but I am totally handling things better than even a week ago. I still have slip ups but I've averted arguments twice this week -- once about the car and today about the juice. I am projecting a more calm and collected approach for sure.

Thanks for stopping by my thread and commenting, very much appreciated.

[lost_hope]

I understand! I am having a down day too. Sometimes I wonder if my efforts are even worth it, but then I remember that even if my M doesn't work out, then at least I will know I will be okay in the end whatever the outcome. Just trying to continue to work on myself and remembering to BREATHE!

Yes this is so key! Remembering that this is for us and if they come back it will be icing on the cake. It can't really be the goal. I remember when this he walked away two years ago I didn't know about DB but he didn't come back until I literally let him go and moved on. I hope you can have a better day today and don't let him ruin your PMA. Did you read DB? I am starting to play a modified version of the prediction game and honestly it has been working. Not that it changed my H's mind or anything but that I've remained calm and avoided arguing with him. The times I feel down I call my mom or vent on here. It's working ... for me anyway. Thanks for commenting on my thread.

[lost_hope]

right now your H wants to be a father more than a WAS but not enough to be a husband.
Just let it go....like what u plan to say "no big deal".
You've got much more important stuff to take care of than letting this incident gets to you

This is actually a perfect summary of my situation. And I know that I need to be happy that he at least is not walking out on us totally (even though he has emotionally left me/the marriage). Thanks for that perspective. Like I said earlier I may still get upset but I am learning to "act as if" and not let him see every mood change like I used to. I did start today with the sarcastic "thanks" but I quickly rebounded let it go, projected a PMA and we averted what normally would have been an argument about how he doesn't care about me/pregnancy. Thanks for your input, much appreciated.