Run and hide your crazy

[mizjjd]

I tell H if our M was to continue its obvious we both need to make some changes.

H, "Oh, so you'd ruin everything with rules."

Finally its time for bed. H reaches for me to spoon into.

"Or don't you want me touching you?"

J, "I don't care one way or the other."

H, "You know I've told you that I feel most connected to you when we are sleeping. Why would you want to push that away?"

I don't even know what I said after that. I was past my limit. I'd been good, no tears at all for about 4 hours of R talk. But then I was fountaining. Just too much. What kind of person had I married? (Rhetorical, I didn't say this to H.)

H also said he's thinking of looking into becoming a long haul truck driver. It would be about twice what he's making now. But he says, that will mean I'm almost never home.

I would think that would be a benefit for you.

There you go being negative again.

WHAT?! How is that negative? You tell me you are so unhappy that you were thinking of leaving, and now you consider a job that will lessen the amount of time spent with me. It seems like that would be a benefit!

H, I didn't say I was thinking about leaving. I said I "had been" thinking about leaving. You put the negative spin on it.

Talk moves back to infidelity. H says "Did you read 50 shades of gray? I told him I had. He said well some people would consider that cheating. What if I told you I thought that was cheating.

I wouldn't read it then. Out of respect for your wishes.

H, "You're weak. All this talk about "emotional infidelity" makes me laugh. No such thing. Its no different than if I fantasize about the woman next door when we have sex."

Take aways from our R talk.

1. R talks SVCK! Anyone out there thinking that's what you need, WRONG.

2. H believes my upset is due to concern over him leaving.

3. Explaining that #2 is not exactly right, because I'm more truly upset over my belief that our M is already over, H calls that "rushing" things and tells me that I don't know that yet. I interpret this as H thinking "It ain't over until HE says its over."

4. I need to win the lottery. (Oh, one other thing, H says he can't see leaving me destitute. That he's not willing to do that. I guess, that does say something for him? But I'm not sure.)

5. H is not alone in crazy land. My plane lands in about an hour.