Run and hide your crazy

[mizjjd]

H initiated a lengthy R talk last night.

Wanted to make sure I knew that appearing down or sad didn't make him feel better.

I told him my feelings weren't being done "to" him, they just were feelings. That I was sad to see our marriage end.

H says "there you go being negative again. I have anchors here with you that will keep me here at least until the twins turn 18. And who knows what my frame of mind will be then. I might find another anchor by then."

J says, that really isn't the point. I'm sad for what I thought our M was. To know that it wasn't what I thought and that its over.

H, you are so negative. Nothing has changed. I'm still here.

Talk moved to past wives, current gf. OW's H found the letter I sent him in March. They are now "working on things". H snorted "good luck to him". But he was sad that OW told him she wouldn't be talking to him as much. And when H found out about the letter he was really mad at me and thought about leaving.

J, Why didn't you?

H, Idk

J, Where would you have gone?

H, Not sure, someplace local.

Told me he loves OW. Well, he says I forced him into saying that.

I did that by asking, "Are you in love with OW?"

H said "I'd say more that I'm in love with the idea of our sitch and all the memories with that."

I look at him for a minute. "What if there was only a yes or no answer for that question."

H, Yes. Tears. Says that wasn't easy to tell me.

More talk. More talk. Other OW subject comes up. I want to know how many. More talk. I still want to know.

H, 12 or 13.

Says they were all when he was in our short lived lucrative business. One night stands. Power trip. This news is oddly not as upsetting as it should be. I wonder why. Shock? Detachment?

H says I shouldn't be upset about the past. He includes OW in the past because her aching thigh letters were a year ago.

H says he spends most of his time thinking about his past and all the mistakes he's made.

I ask why its ok for him to think of the past but not for me to. H says all the OW were a part of his past and not mine.

H says I shouldn't worry so much about the future and what "might" happen.

I ask if I can't think about the past or the future, what does that leave me? H says the present. I say, the present svcks, what else do you have?

I realize H thinks I'm unhappy because I think he's leaving. He stresses that he has no plans to go. Reminds me that current OW wouldn't have happened if we had that pizza place. He says he even talked to OW about that and she agreed.

I explain that in my opinion the M is over regardless of his location.

There you go being negative again. Why do you want to rush things?

I'm not rushing anything. I don't want to be married to someone who cheats on me.

H sighs. You just don't know how things are going to work out. Stop rushing and see what happens.

H also says maybe this is just a natural progression in Ms. This is a dif POV from bomb drop when we had the worst M in the history of Ms. Funny thing is, at BD I didn't think that, now I'm not so sure. There seems to be a role reversal of sorts. H is trying to convince me its not that bad.

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