Husband Threatened to Leave, Don't know what to do

[MrBond]

IMHO, you may be jumping the gun.

He said that he's in it and hasn't given you a reason to think otherwise.

I definitely don't think you need to stop telling him that you love him. PLUS since you've only been putting the changes in for a week, it's going to take a while for him to understand that your changes are for life.

Have you thought of any way to spice up your sex life? Personally I think he needs a "jolt" to show him that you're REALLY not the same person any more. Just something new here and there would be enough.

[Lll54]

He said that he's in it and hasn't given you a reason to think otherwise.

The reason I think otherwise is because A) he mentioned during the original talk that he wasn't sure what he was going to do... and B) because he has left in the past...I feel like if he can't fix his feeling internally he will leave cause he knows that's what helped last time

Have you thought of any way to spice up your sex life? Personally I think he needs a "jolt" to show him that you're REALLY not the same person any more. Just something new here and there would be enough.

I have thought and I have showed him. The night before last I initiated and came up with a few things we have never done before. He loved it and enjoyed it and it was perfect. But the reason this is so unsettling is cause he woke up yesterday morning, went to work and when he came home from work he was in a terrible mood again. I'm trying so hard but sometimes its discouraging to deal with constant ups and downs. And continue to "act as if" is a struggle when i get no reinforcement from him.

[MrBond]

You're focusing too much on the negatives. He has also said alot of positive things as well. You're letting the fear of what happened before, take over. You can't do that.

"But the reason this is so unsettling is cause he woke up yesterday morning, went to work and when he came home from work he was in a terrible mood again. "

What you have to understand is that it's not about you. You said he was in a terrible mood when he got home. You do understand that it could have been something that happened at work right? Don't take things so personally. Did you try doing what I suggested?

[Lll54]

You're focusing too much on the negatives. He has also said alot of positive things as well. You're letting the fear of what happened before, take over. You can't do that

It's incredibly hard....

Today was another puzzling day....he was in a great mood again. We woke up and cuddled and had sex. Very unlike me to do this at 10 am before he goes to work but he was so happy. We had lunch together and he thanked me and kind if brought up how he has noticed I have been trying and how I seem more happy. I agreed and told him I am in a good place. He agreed and thanked me for the morning. And said jokingly "guess I won't leave you now" I found it to be very insensitive and told him to take it back. He joked about it a bit. But I was speechless. Didn't know what to do or say. He left for work and text me a few times and all was good and fine. Then he just got home and is MISERABLE. I asked what's wrong and he stated his us just in a miserable mood. I asked if something happened at work and he said no, I'm just in a miserable mood. Then got dressed and left to the gym. At midnight! Not like him. Great day turned to tears as I try to sleep...

[MrBond]

"I found it to be very insensitive and told him to take it back."

Why? It was a joke and it wasn't insensitive. The problem is that you're focusing sooo much on things turning negative that you're letting anything he does that YOU think is negative, affect you. It was funny and it was a good sign. You have to go back to your DBing and stop letting things affect you so much. You are in a good place.

"Great day turned to tears as I try to sleep..."

Again, why? HE had the bad day and you didn't do what I suggested with the hug. YOU can show your support, but ultimately it's up to him if he wants to tell you about what's bugging him. In this case, there really didn't seem like there was anything you did wrong. You can't keep taking things so personally. If you do, then you are going to start overreacting to his actions (like you did in the morning) and THAT is going to drive him away.

Go back to remembering what things were like when the two of you could just have fun with one another.

[lost_hope]

I'm sorry you're going through this. His joke was insensitive for sure. He's threatening to leave you and your three kids. There's nothing to joke about there. But what I've learned is you have to not let him affect your PMA. You have to remain as cool as you possibly can with this. The good thing is that you have DB before. The bad thing is that he's done it before (so this may be a habit). I am kinda sorta in the same boat but it's my H that doesn't like sex or affection. Plus a whole lot of other issues ...

[Lll54]

"Again, why? HE had the bad day and you didn't do what I suggested with the hug. YOU can show your support, but ultimately it's up to him if he wants to tell you about what's bugging him. In this case, there really didn't seem like there was anything you did wrong. You can't keep taking things so personally. If you do, then you are going to start overreacting to his actions (like you did in the morning) and THAT is going to drive him away.

I agree I didn't do anything wrong. Our last interaction for the day was a good one and he can home miserable which couldn't have been anything to do with me. I guess I'm just more scared he is going to think whatever is bugging him is me even though it isn't.

It's really hard to be around him when he is like this. He worked out last night at midnight and at 2 am he wasn't home yet. I called to see where he was cause the gym is empty and he said it can be dangerous lifting alone the night before so ingot worried. He said he was "driving around" and still so miserable. Came home and watched tv and didn't come to bed till 4 am. Now he is still in bed and still miserable. He did grab my hand for a cuddle but now nothing....

Last night I asked him if it was anything he wanted to talk about. He said no and I have him a hug and walked away. Did exactly what you told me.

I know in doing all the right things. I'm starting to wonder if he has something mentally going on. He is going from such extreme high's to such extreme lows from day to day. And I'm being put through the ringer expected to walk around with a happy face and not be affected. When I'm just waiting for him to say he is leaving...

I'm sorry you're going through this. His joke was insensitive for sure. He's threatening to leave you and your three kids. There's nothing to joke about there. But what I've learned is you have to not let him affect your PMA. You have to remain as cool as you possibly can with this.

How do you do this with a "miserable" mooded person?

As I right this he is up now and not as bad as last night but not good. Gave him a hug and he hugged me back tight. I really hope he is starting to realize there is something conflicting inside him and it isn't me...

[TrentC]

I guess I'm just more scared he is going to think whatever is bugging him is me even though it isn't.

Listen: You are not responsible for his happiness.

Really, you're not. If he's having a bad day then he's having a bad day. Neither of you can take that pressure. You're worried that he's going to decide that the one time you don't kiss him when he wants you to is going to be the straw that broke the camel's back, and you can't make everything he says and does about you or your marriage.

At the same time, I think his joke about "maybe I won't leave you now" is incredibly inappropriate! He's got you scared and worried about the future of your marriage, so he doesn't get to joke like that for a while.

It's really hard to be around him when he is like this. He worked out last night at midnight and at 2 am he wasn't home yet. I called to see where he was cause the gym is empty and he said it can be dangerous lifting alone the night before so ingot worried. He said he was "driving around" and still so miserable. Came home and watched tv and didn't come to bed till 4 am. Now he is still in bed and still miserable. He did grab my hand for a cuddle but now nothing....

OK, now I'm calling bullshit.

There is definitely more to all of this than meets the eye. He's complained about a lack of physical affection, he's staying out and not telling you where he is, and something is eating at him that he's not telling you about.

And let's be honest, he's cheated before.

If I remember correctly, you were sure that there was no OW the last time this happened right up until you found out there was. I'm not saying that you should snoop, but you may want to consider that possibility.

[Mimi00]

I agree I didn't do anything wrong. Our last interaction for the day was a good one and he can home miserable which couldn't have been anything to do with me. I guess I'm just more scared he is going to think whatever is bugging him is me even though it isn't.

It's really hard to be around him when he is like this.

If he says nothing is wrong, or that you didn't do anything to cause his mood, take his word and move on. He notices your changes and that your upbeat, so continue to be that in front of him.

If it's hard to be around him when he's like that, after you've made sure all is well and shown him support, can you go out and GAL during those times? Or do something with the kids outside the home (ask him to join, if he doesn't o well).

[Lll54]

And let's be honest, he's cheated before.

If I remember correctly, you were sure that there was no OW the last time this happened right up until you found out there was. I'm not saying that you should snoop, but you may want to consider that possibility.

No Trent there was no OW last time? Not that I know of anyways? Haha.
The reason I believe him and what he was doing is because we have two friends staying at our house right now until their new house is built and the one guy works with him and came home from work and told me H asked him to go workout with him after they get home but he said he was too tired. So I asked him if H was still gonna go alone and be said yes. There is no OW.