wife hardends heart-2

[newman7977]

Planet I read your sitch. Sorry you find yourself in this sitch. IMO you need to come down hard on this OM. Next time he pulls a stunt like that make sure you come down hard on him and under no circumstances you will tolerate putting your kids' picture without your consent.

"I was not mad at W when he pulled this stunt. I was going show her what this guy did. I stop short because she's a WAW now. Things are different now."

Why? she needs to know how OFF this guy is, WAW or not protect your family first, your kids for that matter. What else do you know about this OM? Get some background check on this guy...get custody of your kids if necessary.

Not sure how it is in Malaysia, but can you consult a L? Affordable?

Anyway that just my opinion...take care planet and good luck to you and your family.

Newman

[Thumpered]

Ok im may be totally wrong here, but I'm not sure you can really do much about the OM anyways. But imho your just driving her closer to him, im sure he's showing her the texts, and their saying "See, he is crazy"

Now what do you think would happen if you backed totally out of the sitch. Let him play his little games, and she finally notices he's the one playing games. Affairs usually play out pretty fast if you let them see that the relationship is built on lies, confusion, and acting out.

Right now, as the third wheel, your making it easy for her. Shut your FB acct down for a couple of weeks. You have no control over the situation, and I think if you can give yourself, and them some time, it will come crashing down all by itself. This guy really doesn't want to raise your kids. He's just playing the game right now, cause your driving her right into his arms. Its easy to play the game when your giving him all the winning cards, u know?

On top of it all, your mind reading, trying to control a situation you cant, jealous and none of those are traits that your wife finds attractive. MWD says that if your doing something that's not working, try something else, guess what, its time. It doesn't matter what you think, its what your wife is thinking. Your not being the spouse your wife would be crazy to leave, your the spouse your wife is crazy to stay with.

I hope im not being too forward or rude. That's not my intention. Just trying to give you an outside, neutral prospective. What are you doing to 180? What are you doing to GAL and detach?

[planet]

thanks Newman & Thumpered
OM is just this kid who fell in love with W after a few days meeting W. He's her client. That's how he related his story to me. He felt i haven't been treating her right and wanted to 'be there for her'. W told me of his 'pursuing' and did reject some of them. He's currently inviting W and the kids out whenever there's a chance. W is keeping him as 'close friend' status.

I not jealous of him. Well, i'm past jealous. Now i think he's just this puppy seeking attention albeit from other man's wife. He should know better than poking his nose on other people's lives. He doesn't know the whole story. Neither W and I are telling him. He thinks whenever W appears unhappy, its automatically my fault.

Thumpered. Not at all rude.
180s is pretty strange experience. I find it confusing. This out-of-character traits had me questioning its genuineness.
GAL is going pretty well but money is pretty tight these days. Planning a start-up though.
Detach? I know OM invites W and the kids out whenever i'm busy at work. Just last weekend, I'm away overseas and sure enough he invites himself. I know cause my kids tells me. ha! kids. They'll tell you everything. My response is not doing anything at all and acting as if. I just let it slide.

W is showing positive attitude towards me lately and i think she wants to talk to me. I don't know what's stopping her. She's giving this wide puppy eyes that shouts 'give me attention'. Not normal behavior.
I know i'm still early in my situation but i'm getting to that place where i'm no longer afraid of being alone. I'm fine. I'm closer to my kids now. They even initiate play-time with me with the TV switched off. I know i must have done something right. That's a good 180.

[planet]

This morning i was asked to have dinner on my own after work by W. Later i found out W,OM, her sister and my kids left for dinner elsewhere. I guess OM will come to my house despite my warning. I guess W will still see him as harmless close friend despite his interest in her. I don not what stage they are at now.
I do not know how to react when they reach home. Right now, I don't really know how to feel. It's somewhat numb.
Despite the little positives that I experienced lately, I told myself this may be false positives and not to think too much. She did do me a big favour and related it to me late at night after i have slept. She may have felt slighted at my disinterest, after all its late and i was asleep. That's me guessing.

[newman7977]

"This morning i was asked to have dinner on my own after work by W. Later i found out W,OM, her sister and my kids left for dinner elsewhere. I guess OM will come to my house despite my warning."

Planet, let me just offer my view from the outside and maybe others will have a different view.

Why does your W gets to decide who you're going to dinner with? Planet time to lead this ship and tell her you are taking the kids with you for dinner. She can go join you if she wants but you want to spend some time with your kids.

Planet, OM coming to your house is one of your boundaries start enforcing that boundary. Search and read up on boundaries here. Maybe someone can explain that better. But your W will not respect you if you keep letting her trample over you.

That's just my POV think about it.

Newman

[newman7977]

Let me just add planet, start making plans with you and the kids for the weekends. Start GALing. My Gals involves the kids a lot and my W joins us most of the time. If you can GAL with others too the better.

Lose the fear planet you can do this.

Keep posting.

Newman

[planet]

Thanks Newman.
You are right about enforcing boundaries.
I spoke to W later. First thing I asked if OM knew about our D. She told him and all this while I thought she would be tight lipped like she always were. Her sister knew too. No wonder OM has become brazen. Anyway, I said I refuse to accept his behaviour. Even if this thing happened to others, it's still not acceptable. I will not welcome him to my house but W reminded me about signing the house away to her. Right. It's hers now.
Later the discussion becomes ugly. She's irritated and accusatory. She refuses to believe all the truths I said and did after the bomb. She brought those up and i just corrected if they are wrong. mostly kept quiet. Believe it or not, even technology is against me. She checked my whereabouts using her mobile after I said I was going home to my parents. This happened a while ago. But her mobile returned a different location. Bloody hell. She didn't believe me when I said I told my parents about the D. She continues to tear up my mother.
OM has and will continue to pursue. W will continue to deny and maintain that they were just friends. Even after she told me about his 'innocent efforts' which to me and probably everyone else is 'pursuing', she refuses to acknowledge it and instead defended him. Wow how things change. She's a WAS.
I guess the positives she's shown me earlier were just false ones. I'm not sure though. After tonight, back to square one. She's pretty pissed.

[Thumpered]

I agree with the boundries, I just think you might be going about it the wrong way. Like I said, at this point your pushing her more into his arms. Right now, if she's angry, she's trying to push your buttons and you accommodating her.

Who cares if OM knows? how does that change what you need to do for yourself? As far as your wife is concerned the divorce is final and she just needs to wait you out. I know your hurt, it feels like betrayal, your having trust issues, and on top of it your wife doesn't believe anything you say.

Your not listening and validating. Don't correct, just say "Im sorry you feel that way, I see it a bit differently" and STOP. Its fine to have your boundries, but right now your the "guest" in her house. You kinda have to play by her rules now. NEVER ever let it get to a point your arguing, when that's about to happen, you need to take a walk around the block. Your boundry there, is when she starts up, "I refuse to let this escalate, im going for a walk and when I come back, if you'd like to talk like adults then im open to listening to your concerns".

I think you need to decide on whether infidelity is a deal breaker for you, cause for now your pushing an agenda that you have no control over, and might actually be making worse. It [censored] I know, but it might have to happen for her to see he's the wrong guy after all. You just need to decide if you can get past it. Cause right now, its an affair, emotional only maybe, but its still an affair.

[planet]

Thumpered.
I did got get angry nor upset during the conversation. I validated her on her past grievance. Said I understood her pain. However, the the new events after the bomb which is pretty outrages and did not happened the way she thought it was. Felt the need to clarify somehow. Maybe, I should just shut up.
I was feeling pretty numb afterwards. Wonder why I wasn't upset. I even watched a comedy. I just don't know.
I can't accept a PA. I don't even know if I can recover from an EA. I've wondered even if we were to reconcile, I don't even know how to proceed. It dawned on me that I had thought of leaving her in the past a few times. There were times I've had it with her attitude and bossing around. I don't even want to be with her right this moment. The way she is.
The boundaries right now is not allowing OM to my house. Not using my kids as brownie points to score. But he'll be around when I'm not at home and I won't be able to know until much later.

[newman7977]

"The boundaries right now is not allowing OM to my house. Not using my kids as brownie points to score. But he'll be around when I'm not at home and I won't be able to know until much later."

So did she buy your share out of the house? Is the house hers before you got M? Also why would you think using your kids as scoring brownie points? Planet these are your kids it's ok to take them out with you. This has nothing to do with your sitch take care of them, take them out..and no I'm not saying this to win your W. As a matter of fact, you need to get your focus on YOU and your kids.