I know what you mean about the about-face the WAS can do with respect to their attitudes. One day its negative and no talking and the next they act like your best friend.
If I were you I would not read into it. WAS can display behaviors that we least expect. They will say and do things to get a reaction out of you. What matters most, I believe, is how you react to her actions and behaviors. Always PMA with the WAS. Even if it hurts. I still have trouble with this but acting AsIf helps over time with getting your emotions under control.
That is where my W is now. After she told our MC that she wants a D, a couple hours later she was acting like the wife I was married to just 5 month ago.
I think that getting that off her chest has allowed her some peace and stress relief. I was admonished by her not to read into her being pleasant towards me as a sign that she is willing to work through our issues, so I wont.
Until I am served papers I will just enjoy our time together and keep working on being the man she would be a fool to leave. We will see what happens.
Yeah. On another post, someone quoted MWD saying that if your W has been distant, and you're separated, then starts asking for little favors, to view it as a good sign. Mine seems to think of some question or thing to text about every day, so I'm just playing it cool and answering nicely, or helping, like when I dissasembled her chair and loaded it in the car.
Today it was a text asking for the info on the CC (the one that went from "her card" back to "the card"). I apologized for it taking a long time to get back to her (mysterious me must have been busy.... ;-) Really I was napping 'cause my sleep schedule is messed up).
Last night I had another one of those moments... well, hours, where I couldn't stop re-hashing how things went down since BD #2. What was really killing me is when W texted me wanting to go to a movie and I told her I couldn't make it. I thought I was doing a good DB thing by not being too available or eager. I actually kind of panicked because I was doing a GAL activity - I was at that very movie, in the town we were supposed to be moving to, and I didn't want her to think I was over there spying or snooping on her.
That was the last time she wanted to do anything with me.
I know in my head that this kind of thinking does no good, and I did check the behavior and break the spiral, but it took many tries.
Feeling oddly calm and detached today. Thinking it might be mostly exhaustion, though. I did get some exercise in yesterday, both walking to the store and afterwards when I couldn't sleep.
On the other hand, the brain does get tired after a while of rehashing the same things and finally goes a bit numb. I'm enjoying the relief and clarity for the moment. It would be nice to be able to feel this way all the time.
I probably wasn't thinking too clearly then, but when I signed up for DB Coaching, I used the CC that W has access to now. She's never been one to dig into the bills too much, and I just set it up for her to get a paper bill. But not happy that the DB 303 phone number shows up on there. For someone as snoopy as my W, if she does notice it, she'll probably look into it.
Here's hoping it goes on by and she doesn't see that statement.
W wants some financial info. I'll get it for her, of course, but....
I so want to ask her what changed from the time when she said we could take some time, and wanted to go to dinner and a movie. Even as a rhetorical question. :-(
Just saying nothing I guess. This is where I think I went wrong before. I panicked and laid my cards on the table when D talk first came up. Hold steady, right?
I did notice when was here last she was looking at a small curtain that was part if a set (the rest was in a box she was taking to new place) and perfect colors for the kitchen colors at the new house. I dropped it in the mail with a note just saying that I think it's part of a set. She knows I saw her looking at it.
Well, just can't seem to do better than 50%, but since there's no hard/fast rules, I still get confused in my responses.
She sent me another long message about feeling like roommates for years, said I probably hate her, or will, (I think she means when I get the paperwork).
I did very well at validating what she feels, but damn it, I could not stop myself mentioning some of the things we have in common (that she's mentioned before). I said that looking back, its easy to see all the bad stuff, and I won't deny they exist.
She keeps trying to tell me she didn't plan to hurt me or scheme take that house, and tells me I should go back to CO where I can be happy, etc. Because she's not being mean, angry or vindictive anymore, it lulled me into saying too much again.
One thing she mentioned is a female friend I met right here on DB forums, who lives in CO. She said she alway knew I had something for her.... I know that was fishing/validating her R with OM, but I just told here we've always just been friends trying to offer advice on relationship issues from the perspective of the opposite sex, which is true. She knows I met her on a forum for discussing relationships.
I'm not religious or spiritual, and I don't believe in fate or that things happen for any real reason. But, if you were to follow my journey from the beginning, through us getting back together, then failing at piecing, then my musing about leaving, all the way to where we're at now, it's a perfect example of a self fulfilling prophecy. I fully accept my responsibility for creating this situation over the years.
I don't know how I could be so unhappy every day, but then like a switch, go to being desperate to keep the M. I know MWD has covered this, and I've seen others on here express the same thing happening. Is it just fear? Is it just that I can't take another blow after one previous D, then almost another, plus years of financial strain, all the moving, losing my house in CO that I loved, and non-stop brutal job stress?
I *am* scared of being alone here. I still can't manage to find a car (rental cars are expensive and I can't manage much more expense so can't buy much of a car anyway). Facing the winter out here in the sticks. I have health problems and money problems, so digging a long driveway out of the snow is difficult even when I had help and I can't afford to pay someone to plow for me. I still have a crappy house that needs work needs work and probably can't sell. W thinks I can just run off and make a new life, but she's only been able to do this because she took the house and car and found someone to supply love and support.
Sorry for the litany of complaints. I promised my DB coach not to make major decisions while down, and I do still plan to cooperate with W and DB as much as possible. If you know my story here, our M was "of convenience" in W's words after co-habitating for years. I would like nothing more than to do it over in a more romantic way if by some chance her R with OM fails and she does see me as not being the cause of all her misery. I know this is a long shot, but all I have is hope at the moment, and a tough road ahead just trying to get by and stay employed. If I lose my job, I'm sunk. There's no work around here for me that'll even pay the bills, and I'll be forced to go back home and rely on family until I can start over. Hoping to avoid that, but the work takes so much and with all this going on, it sure is hard to be an outstanding employee.
Bankruptcy is always an option if it completely falls apart, but for now, do what you can do. And that would be taking the baby steps you need and take it day by day. Don't get ahead of yourself.
Don't panic about the future, its not written yet. Don't worry about the past, just make the changes you need to make, and you'll get there, either way the marriage plays out.
Just give her the time and space she needs now, and really, you need it as well. Time is on your side.