Considering how BADLY LD spouses treat us when it comes to sex, how can we NOT be somewhat gun shy. When we GO FOR it, we get critized for doing just that, if it is at the wrong time, or wrong way, or wrong place, or (put excuss here).
Also, when I start to get my wife in the mood enough, then she will roll over and say "Let's Just get this done". So while I want to have a FULFILLING sexual encounter, the LD spouse is thinking "If I get him off quick enough, then I can roll over and get back to sleep". So even though they are PRESENT, their attitude really destroys the moment, which really wants us HD guys to come back for more.
I hate to say this, but the source of male CONFIDENCE is the admiration of a highly sexed wife. When a LD spouse shows no interest in sex with her man, that effectively shatters the mans confidence. A man's sexaulity permeates EVERY ASPECT OF HIS PERSONALITY. Rule #1: If you don't want sex with your husband, YOU DON'T WANT HIM.
I'm going to disagree with you here, CeMar. The source of my confidence is not the admiration of my "highly sexed wife", even if she WAS highly sexed. As so many have said on this board, the source of your confidence is within. It's nice when a wife says or does something to bolster that confidence, just as it is unpleasant to have her say or do things that may or may not be intended to undermine that confidence.
I'll admit I was gun shy in giving this letter to my wife. I knew it was going to be bad for a day or more. The deal is, I did it because I needed to do it, just as you say you need to explore all options before you bolt out the door. My W still hasn't cracked the book, but at least she hasn't cracked it over my head, or hidden it from view, or thrown it out. And, although we're not talking about sex right now, we will, because I will not let this rest.
When the allies asked Winston Churchill for advice on how to win World War II, he said, "Never give up, never give up, never give up!"
Okay! There you go again. The old bait a switch routine? I know you don't think only WOMEN do that? What happens when you guys get married? All of sudden you don't like to dance anymore, flowers for her stop, you forget those nice manners and you start hating her family! You only do the nice stuff when you are begging to get in her pants the first time. Then later you start harping on her weight, wrinkles and you stop talking and listening. That's why you stuck on stupid men can come home and find her gone and don't know what was happening all along in your own bed. If you want your wife to go from ND to LD to HD stop treating her like you only got time for her when you want something from her. That's the lesson Michelle's teaching. Every day you treat your spouse/mate like it is the last chance you will have to say I love and mean it and it will turn around. At least you are dealing with a female LD. I got to deal with the male version and he claims we don't have a problem. The only one with a problem and who is the problem in my crib is me according to my H.
The thing is that many of us HD guys are still doing most of the things that we did earlier in our relationships. We are not lazy bums laying around. We watch the kids, clean the house, drive the kids to all there activities, try to date our wives. Yes maybe some things have stopped from when we were dating, but we have also picked up a lot of the chores around the house. We are WORKING our butts off around our wives. But if the wifes LD is caused by us not doing all the things that we did when dating, then the logical answer is that if we start doing those things, then our wives will return to being HD just like they were 15-20 years ago, RIGHT? Funny thing, for the guys that are trying this route, our wives never turn back into HD women? What is the problem here? COuld it be that turning into LD women is BARELY related to weather the guy still does all the dating things. Let's face it, most LD women have no clue as to what really causes it, or how to change it. Yes, US guys can cause some of the problem, but if we fix that problem, they STILL do not recover from LD. WHY NOT?
No I feel for you having a LD husband, they are just as baffling as LD woman, maybe more so, since LD women obviously have a lack of testosterone. LD woman also do like your husband and say that us HD's have the problem. My wife claims that womens desire for sex ALWAYS declines.
I can see you are scare silly about talking to her about it, and I mean REALLY talking, not just a couple of comments passing by. I have been reading all your posts and I can tell that you have convinced yourself that NOTHING will change even if you do (place the recommended action here)and are just drowing in your own despair, because your are paralized, not going any direction but just suffering.
I know you are a courageous man, so now my friend, act like it and do what so many people have done: sit down and TALK to her or if you just can't then write a letter and post it here, so we can give you our opinion.
I second MSM's motion. CeMar, you have described the problem over and over. Now is the time to take action. We will gladly help coach you through the conversation, letter, or whatever.
as for the other things...nothing has changed. I never criticize her for her weight, because it is truly meaningless to me, and even if it wasn't, that's just plain mean! I can't believe anyone does that, and then wonders why they're not gettin' any?!?!
Seriously, though, it seems to me that it doesn't matter whether your LD spouse is male or female. the reactions are identical. the LD spouse considers themselves the "normal" one, etc, etc.
Amen. I stayed home to day so I got to visit a little more with you. Thank you CeMar for letting me vent. I apologize for the "stuck on stupid" comment. I work in a non-traditional job so I am around a lot of men. I KNOW which ones are due to come in shell-shocked. The first clue is when they start complaining about she has nothing to say. All she wants to do is talk about a bunch of stuff and then she doesn't want do anything but talk and they are sick of hearing her go on and on about nothing important. That guy is gonna go home and find his stuff on the porch. For the gals it's that "do whatever you want you always do" line that guys give. If it's something they don't care about that is normal but if you KNOW he wanted to go to Hawaii and he hates wilderness and he gives you that line you are in deep water.
Now let me make this point. I still ain't getting sex. I still can't check out the checkbook without him getting upset. He still treats me like a queen in public and poison in private. I ain't firgured out what works, yet. My hope is by talking here and continuing the things that are working I will turn this around. My mate always seems to be one step up on me most times.
Next point I want to make. It is not what we think the problem is that is important it is what they think the problem is. I hear too many women complaining how they don't know their H are home until they check his chair in front of the TV. I hear too many men complain that they stopped doing stuff because they couldn't get anything "right". Therefore, they think it is true then it is true. My H will tell you a long list of all he does for me every day. I am amazed at the lenght of his list. Whatever I do gets shorten to "you were suppose to do that, what you want a cookie". When we deal with these mates of ours I think we have to make an effort to see their point of view. Most men think their wives know they work hard for them. No they don't. They think the men work for themselves, to look good to others and to spend time anywhere but at home.
I don't like scary movies, corned beef, french fries and riding on motorcycles. But if that what my mate likes then I get in there and spend time with him doing what he likes. You can't spell team with an I. Don't let your mate be the only one giving in.
Hi folks. Had another confrontation today and would like your views. This morning, my W was in the kids’ bathroom and told me that it really needed to be cleaned. I said that I had asked the kids to clean it yesterday, and that I thought they had done a pretty good job. She pointed at some grunge around the shower door, and some dust on the floor near the wall (I hadn’t asked them to scrub the floor), and said it really needed to be taken care of. I guess I rolled my eyes, and she berated me for that. She said I ALWAYS roll my eyes when she asks me to do something. (Exaggeration). I told her that I don’t always do that, but that she does it too. She asked “when do I roll my eyes?” I said, “Whenever I bring up the subject of sex.” She said, “Oh, I forgot, that’s one of MY duties.” Then she said, “you know, we talked about this last weekend and you really need to lay low on that subject for a while. If you don’t, we are just going to go back to me being bitchy all the time.”
I said, “calling it a ‘duty’, sarcastically, is just more of your minimizing my views on the subject.”
I walked out, because I was about to say a lot of things I would later regret, such as, “it’s not a duty, but that really says a lot about your mind set” and “what do you mean we’ll ‘go back’ to your being bitchy all the time?”
Her asking me to "lay low" on the subject seems to confirm to me that she just wants me to go back to being my complacent little self, not confronting her on this issue. That always seems to be the pattern. I bring it up, she blows up, I lay low, I get tired of laying low for days and then weeks and then months, so I bring it up again. Of course, she always claims that she was just starting to feel comfortable again, and now I've set the whole clock back.
Good morning Hairdog. Sorry your day didn't start out very well
You know, that sounds like a wicked stepmom attitude! It's *their* bathroom - if it's not *dirty* and it's their responsibility to clean it, then maybe she could cut them a little slack? Ok, just thinking outloud! I think it's 180 time for you. Next time you ask the kids to clean up their bathroom, have a peek afterwards and if it's not quite to her standards, make them wipe the shower door and sweep the floor, etc. Inspect it so that she doesn't have the chance to point it out later. And if by chance she does point things out next time, DO NOT react negatively at all! Simply say something like, "Ok, I'll have it taken care of right away!" and make sure it is cleaned up.
So, her bitchiness is a result of you bringing up sex? Is she pleasant otherwise or is she generally bitchy? THIS time you need to stick to your guns... DON'T lay low for days, weeks and months. The clock needs a new battery.
Quote: I walked out, because I was about to say a lot of things I would later regret, such as, "it’s not a duty, but that really says a lot about your mind set" and "what do you mean we’ll ‘go back’ to your being bitchy all the time?"
Stop walking away before saying what's on your mind. You say you'd regret saying those things, but there's absolutely nothing wrong with what you wanted to say! Stop tiptoeing around her - it's not helping either of you.
We're all standing behind you, cheering you on... so please be strong!
