Looks like you need to pull back even more Kate. It's just not about NOT initiating contact now - it's about the kind of conversations you have when you DO talk.
There was a time that my X asked questions but they didn't really have meaning (if that makes sense).. but when I didn't make small talk - I was being cold.
In this phase - best thing is to do is to uphold his request. He said he needed space. It's time to take it to the next level and show him that even if he wants contact from time to time - you are upholding his boundary.
Not as a vengeful way, but because you care. This was his choice, don't protect him from it.
And stop giving him info to process.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
I agree. I have been stepping back slowly. Off fb, not contacting with chit chat but being funny and upbeat when he does answer back etc.
I've made a coaching session because I am a little stuck. I know you advocate more space and I see the validity.
But h has also felt I never needed him for anything. So I have to find that line where I validate his decisions etc but also give him his space. Where he knows he can find me but also the time he needs.
Pretty difficult right now. Spent my marriage pulling away and to do it now would be a grave. Error. But I have to let him find him first I guess.
Tough place to be Ruby but I believe that you are strong enough (and wise enough) to pull it off.
Stay strong!
Me-48,W-51 M-22,T-24 S- 18,16,9 Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
I've made a coaching session because I am a little stuck. I know you advocate more space and I see the validity.
But h has also felt I never needed him for anything. So I have to find that line where I validate his decisions etc but also give him his space. Where he knows he can find me but also the time he needs.
Pretty difficult right now. Spent my marriage pulling away and to do it now would be a grave. Error. But I have to let him find him first I guess.
I am in the exact same spot.
I hope your coaching sessions goes well and gives you the insight you need!
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
Hi Ruby, just catching up on your sitch. You always make me smile, you always have such goings on! Did you get Wonka a dose of your make out potion yet? How is school going? Did you find another place to stay when you're in town or will you still be switching off with your H?
"But h has also felt I never needed him for anything. So I have to find that line where I validate his decisions etc but also give him his space. Where he knows he can find me but also the time he needs.
Pretty difficult right now. Spent my marriage pulling away and to do it now would be a grave. Error. But I have to let him find him first I guess."
I agree that you need to find the line where you validate yet give him space. Difficult thin wavery line, isn't it?
An e-book I bought during this mad quest for self-help information over the past 4 years said that to men, respect is even more important than love, and that without respect, they do not feel loved. It made such a deep impression on me; I never forgot it as I think a lot of the problems in my M way before BD were caused by my lack of needing my H, for making all the decisions and doing everything like you did. I made him feel much less than manly and unrespected.
The book said that underneath all the bravado and displays of confidence, men feel a deep insecurity that they will never discuss openly. And that even though people think of women as the givers, men need to be the givers, to be needed, to be thought of as powerful and effective, to be taken seriously as capable providers with many talents and skills.
Just wanted to let you know that I think you are on track here when you say he feels you never needed him for anything, but need to validate him now. Good luck with your DB coaching session. I have Chuck and like him a lot.
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
SF: I hope things will go okay, I am plenty strong, but wise...got a LOT to learn.
Mimi: I agree. Strong women have difficulty with the whole needing thing. This forum is filled with women like us and we have to find a way, I think, of letting someone in without compromising who we are.
Linda: Thanks Your info is very valuable and is pretty much what H has said in our conversations. He only needed some worth. I am going to take what I learned from you and slowly put it into practice. I remember H telling me how xgf would marvel at all the kindnesses I took for granted (holding doors open, carrying things etc) because her H never did them. Now I make sure to thank him a lot :))
He had mentioned too, that when a man feels he is not needed, he is just a paycheck, it diminishes who he is. So your ebook has some valid advice
Wonka has all the potion she needs, she just hasn''t used it yet
Not another place to stay, but I am drawing back until at least September., I will need downtime, and H needs to see his D more. S will be in city so H will be able to see whenever.
Today texting with H I advised him to just go to an event and just be..have fun. He said why is everyone telling me to think about me? "Someone said to start thinking about me."
Okay, that p*ssed me off cuz obviously the someone is new interest (he just spent weekend with) and really??? Dude?? It's been all about you for the past ten freaking months!!!!
He also said "someone" asked him what he wants and he said he didn't know. Then jokingly to me he says "a beer and a sandwich'?
I said "good place to start. You've just started your path, you'll need sustenance"
Oh, I respect he is seeing someone else and I know this is his journey. Doesn't mean I have to like it
I am actually not upset by it too much and the above post was a bit of a vent towards how H feels it hasn't been about him at all. While I can see how he feels that way (since he supports us etc. and we are all that stands in the way of his perceived financial and emotional freedom), it is a bit irksome because boy oh boy a bit of down time would be nice
Although my kids are old enough to be left on own if I go out, they are here 24/7. H visits, maybe, once every two weeks, but doesn't take them. Although he has offered to switch places, I posted before that his apt. is a bit of a trigger, so that's out lol.
I think he is waiting for me to finish school and get a job so he can have a bit more financial freedom (which I don't begrudge). But I also think that in his head, this is the next thing that will make him happy, just like leaving was supposed to. Or seeing someone else was supposed to..or....
