First I personally don't think it is a good idea to discuss with kids stuff that their mother is doing morally wrong with an OM. Simply set the example of how a responsible adult in a committed relationship should act. They will figure it out and understand on their own. If they ask questions about what their Mom is doing, especially the older child in this situation, then you can address it in a way that limits the damage to her as much as possible.
Originally Posted By: MrBond
in the "Your counselor doesn't know what he is talking about" way."
Um I definitely don't know where you got this from. I just asked if you talked to your C specifically about how to approach this with your kids. But hey, their your kids not mine.
Mr.Bond I do understand where Rock got this: from your statement (and I am paraphrasing here) "any T worth their weight will tell you the way you approached it was wrong."
I agree with Lanzo - everyone needs to simply agree to disagree and move on. Sometimes these boards are simply just for venting.
"Mr.Bond I do understand where Rock got this: from your statement (and I am paraphrasing here) "any T worth their weight will tell you the way you approached it was wrong.""
To clarify, I had asked what the T specifically said about approaching this "specifically" or if he had read anything on how to talk to the kids. Based on the professional and the ethical standards of the APA, this wasn't the right approach and I would have been surprised if his C had suggested confronting the kids in this manner. Instead of answering the question, I was attacked for being "condescending".
But what's done is done and as I mentioned they aren't my kids and he is perfectly welcome to act however he wishes. I was worried about the kids getting caught in the middle.
So moving on.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Sorry forgot to mention, if your T suggested you confront your kids about your W in that manner, then you should go ahead and do so. After all he knows you better than the rest of us on the board.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Rock many oif us have been here for a while wanting to save our families from the destruction of divorce. It is very confusing times. We admit our flaws we try and change yet our WAS continue with their plans. It hurts it scares us it destroys us from within. Your future plans with your spouse of growing old together sitting on a park bench and feeding pigeons are squashed. I know been there. I'm still wondering what happened, how it changed. Many in here want to help. Some just don't know how to express it. Including me. I have gotten angry said stupid stuff in an attempt to help. Maybe I wasn't ready to help not sure if am right now. Take what everyone says with a grain of salt but listen. Mr Bond has a way to piss you off but he means well. I have had tit for tats with him (of course I was right and he wasn't :))
What I'm saying is that we understand your anger desperation and fears and the whole array of stuff you are going through. I'm not defending anyone. Everyone is responsible for their statements.
Just know that this period in your life is a hit bottom period. Not sure why it happens to 50% of married couples but it does. And that things will get better in time. My buddy Mach told me to be dignified through this. Easy for a WASP to say. I'm a hard headed Scilian.
Hang though my friend
Ps: I'm known for not making sense
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Just giving an objective viewpoint of why I think Rock felt like you were telling him that his counselor didn't know what he was talking about based on your below quote with the specific statements bolded:
Originally Posted By: MrBond
"And I found your question condescending, which is why I didn't answer it."
Really? in what way? I asked a simple question of whether or not you discussed how to talk to your kids in the way that you just did with a C or if you had read any books on the effects on children. I'm concerned about the well being of your kids as I am sure you are and your defensiveness hinted that you didn't.
There are no winners or losers. Your children are caught in the middle of this. Any child T worth their weight will tell you that the way you approached it was wrong. I understand that YOU have gone to a T but have you ever considered going to a child T?
They are your first priority.
So if you think my intention was purposely to demean you, when I have other people to help, then that's your attitude.
"yes I am in counseling and I have asked specifically about how to deal with this issue."
So the T told you to talk to your kids in EXACTLY that way huh?
One thing I picked up on is that incident was instigated by your W. I don't believe you were at home and she is skyping in the same room as your kids with OM and she did not purposely believe you would find out. I am really bothered by this; to me you just had a normal reaction one would have when put in that situation. My question is why would she put you and your children in that situation in the first place??? i am bothered by why she would do this using her children as pawns to hurt you.
" I don't believe you were at home and she is skyping in the same room as your kids with OM and she did not purposely believe you would find out. "
I don't think she was trying to hide it. It sounded like she was like most WAS's and just didn't care so did it out in the open. She didn't involve the kids to hurt him. It seems as if she acted like most WAS's in the fog and didn't think there was honestly anything wrong since (in her mind) she's getting a D any way.
Just my 2 cents.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
She may not care, or she may; she may have been trying to prove a point or push her agenda.
My X didn’t seem to think more than 1 or 2 steps ahead and always put herself first. I think she was in crisis and was incapable of rational planning. I think she was too unhappy and in pain to do more than seek immediate gratification in an effort to enable herself to feel better and bring closure to a situation she believe untenable.
That said I have known people that behaved outrageously to push their partners along.
If you can get to a point where you can accept this relationship is dead then you can begin to establish the next. Change is constant. Change can be frightening or exciting depending upon our perceptions of change. Work toward acceptance of change and make changes that constantly improve yourself, your situation or that of your children. Change is disruptive and as parents we have an obligation to our children to temper our reactions smoothing change in their lives.
The next relationship will be based and or biased on remnants of this one. If you can move forward with honor, grace and dignity toward yourself, your children and your spouse then you will set a stage for a better outcome.
It isn’t easy. It likely isn’t fair. Life is not easy or fair it just is and how we comport ourselves is a measure of our character. Children look to parents for examples, give them the best you can.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Just wanted to check in and see how your holding up. A lot has been thrown at you recently. Making sure now more than ever your taking care of yourself, getting plenty of rest, and eating.
Even as hard as it must be, taking some time for yourself here and there.
