I'm not religious or spiritual, and I don't believe in fate or that things happen for any real reason. But, if you were to follow my journey from the beginning, through us getting back together, then failing at piecing, then my musing about leaving, all the way to where we're at now, it's a perfect example of a self fulfilling prophecy. I fully accept my responsibility for creating this situation over the years.
I don't know how I could be so unhappy every day, but then like a switch, go to being desperate to keep the M. I know MWD has covered this, and I've seen others on here express the same thing happening. Is it just fear? Is it just that I can't take another blow after one previous D, then almost another, plus years of financial strain, all the moving, losing my house in CO that I loved, and non-stop brutal job stress?
I *am* scared of being alone here. I still can't manage to find a car (rental cars are expensive and I can't manage much more expense so can't buy much of a car anyway). Facing the winter out here in the sticks. I have health problems and money problems, so digging a long driveway out of the snow is difficult even when I had help and I can't afford to pay someone to plow for me. I still have a crappy house that needs work needs work and probably can't sell. W thinks I can just run off and make a new life, but she's only been able to do this because she took the house and car and found someone to supply love and support.
Sorry for the litany of complaints. I promised my DB coach not to make major decisions while down, and I do still plan to cooperate with W and DB as much as possible. If you know my story here, our M was "of convenience" in W's words after co-habitating for years. I would like nothing more than to do it over in a more romantic way if by some chance her R with OM fails and she does see me as not being the cause of all her misery. I know this is a long shot, but all I have is hope at the moment, and a tough road ahead just trying to get by and stay employed. If I lose my job, I'm sunk. There's no work around here for me that'll even pay the bills, and I'll be forced to go back home and rely on family until I can start over. Hoping to avoid that, but the work takes so much and with all this going on, it sure is hard to be an outstanding employee.
