DB seemingly backfired w/ my H???

[Mimi00]

Just dropping by to check in on your mimi and on your stitch

Thanks for checking on me DigDeeper

I think you're in a good place Mimi, with a good understanding of your emotions.

I sometimes fall into the the worry about "wasting" time but I realize that in the time since the bombdrop I have done so much emotional growth and it wouldn't have happened any other way. This is my life unfolding in front of me, smooth patches, bumpy patches, time spent in the ditches. I've just tried to keep moving forward.

This is true for me as well. Yet with no H i feel like, where am I going to apply all the knowledge I've gained lol But yes I am grateful regardless!

I can relate to this. It was getting to a place where I didn't want to be anymore. I am thankful that people were in places that were able to help me on my journey.

Mimi, you will find these people, too.

I am rooting for you.

To use a worn out phrase... "you go, girl!"

Thanks MrCAS!

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I sent H and email last night, when we initially talked about my moving a few weeks ago by phone, he told em to keep him updated. So the email was the update.

I let him know (what he already saw online) that I went for a visit to the area I'm moving and that I didn't necessarily feel like it was where I need to be long term, but I will be heading there at least until the end of the year. Also I told him, I can't predict the future, so this isn't definite, but I hope to be self sufficient by the end of the year as well (if I can do so before that, that will be wonderful!).

He told me to make a list of things I needed for my move when we talks. So in the email I also gave him a run down of things I will be spending our money in the next week or so before I go/when I get there (basically needs for my dog, yearly shots, etc...and my own physical & tests I will need for my job, hotel stay etc...etc...). I told him I'd try to pick up extra hours at work to help cover some of the stuff as well.

I let him know that I'll send him lists like this monthly (I will probably cut my communication with him down to this only, as I see no other reason to talk to him.... is this a good idea???)

I told him not to fret the future lists will be much shorter lol and if he has any questions or concerns to let me know.

He didn't respond. But he did "like" one of my photos on instagram later that night....??? lol

Don't know what to make of his silence. But whatever.

[Mimi00]

[quote=Mimi30]
Same here! Sometimes happiness comes with work and that is the best kind, IMO! My H needs to understand this concept!

Yes, many people in the world in general need to understand this as well.

In regards to marriage, I like this quote "Don't give up. You'll gain strength when you're going through trials. The strongest marriages come from the greatest pains."

Because of quotes like that, I sometimes like to float off to dream land and believe that all the pain I am going through now, will be worth it, because in the end H will wake up, come back and we will be stronger b/c of it.

Then I wake up and realize yes I have gained strength through this, but it may not be for my marriage, it may simply just be for me.

[chl0901]

In regards to marriage, I like this quote "Don't give up. You'll gain strength when you're going through trials. The strongest marriages come from the greatest pains."

Because of quotes like that, I sometimes like to float off to dream land and believe that all the pain I am going through now, will be worth it, because in the end H will wake up, come back and we will be stronger b/c of it.

Then I wake up and realize yes I have gained strength through this, but it may not be for my marriage, it may simply just be for me.

I like that quote, too! Thanks for sharing.

I guess in the end, however our sitches end up, we will be the ones better off in the long run because we are the ones putting in the hard work to better ourselves.

[lost_hope]

In regards to marriage, I like this quote "Don't give up. You'll gain strength when you're going through trials. The strongest marriages come from the greatest pains."

Because of quotes like that, I sometimes like to float off to dream land and believe that all the pain I am going through now, will be worth it, because in the end H will wake up, come back and we will be stronger b/c of it.

Then I wake up and realize yes I have gained strength through this, but it may not be for my marriage, it may simply just be for me.

I like that quote, too! Thanks for sharing.

I guess in the end, however our sitches end up, we will be the ones better off in the long run because we are the ones putting in the hard work to better ourselves.

And we really have to start believing that! As much as it hurts to be without them, if they're truly not willing to come back to the table (time will tell) then we have to have the wherewithall to move on without them. So many aspects of DB are just common sense and self-improvement. Like, why should we ever cry, beg, or plead with someone who has says they don't want us? Even if you want the person around, that's not good form and it certainly doesn't lead a person to respect you or want you in return.

[Mimi00]

Last night I was feeling pretty good & strong. I prayed to God, if H & I aren't meant to be, please wipe him from my heart. I fall asleep and what happens? I wake up in the middle of the night, H is immediately on my mind...have negative thoughts, cry a little, pray for peace, browse the internet, go back to sleep. This time, I have a dream (haven't had a dream in months!)... and who's the star of the dream? H. *sigh* GO AWAY! lol

Last night was the first time my sleep has been interrupted, even after BD I slept like a baby. So last night was no bueno.

And we really have to start believing that! As much as it hurts to be without them, if they're truly not willing to come back to the table (time will tell) then we have to have the wherewithall to move on without them. So many aspects of DB are just common sense and self-improvement. Like, why should we ever cry, beg, or plead with someone who has says they don't want us? Even if you want the person around, that's not good form and it certainly doesn't lead a person to respect you or want you in return.

This is true!

[DigDeeper]

I can relate to how you felt when you woke up in the middle of the night having negative thoughts after dreaming of your H too Mimi. I was having such dreams recently about my W too. As much as i do not want them to occur, it seemed that only in my dreams, i am only able to see my W! (ironic isn't it for me)

It's like a double edge sword, i yearn to see her and yet i do not want to see her. I don't know if i'm making sense tho lol..

I really love that quote "Don't give up. You'll gain strength when you're going through trials. The strongest marriages come from the greatest pains.". I really do hope this will come through for all of us here.

[MrCAS]

"So many aspects of DB are just common sense and self-improvement. Like, why should we ever cry, beg, or plead with someone who has says they don't want us? Even if you want the person around, that's not good form and it certainly doesn't lead a person to respect you or want you in return."

This is where I got to and am probably a couple of steps past it. Yes, I agree strong marriages can be had but it takes both sides to make it happen. It is also a commitment for it to be a continuing process.

It reminds me of the adage that success is a journey, not a destination.

I can speak from my own experience how getting so far and stopping the growth was detrimental to my M. If I had applied the same thought pattern I have for my work to my M then I would have been better off. I am constantly looking to improve my skills in my field. yet, when it came to my M... not so much.

However, looking back with a new outlook, I can also see that I was ill-equipped to do much more than I was doing. DBing maybe common sense stuff but, for me, it put it in terms that I understood. I got it. Only took several sharp blows from various implements applied firmly to my head...

The dreams are going to happen. There is little you can do to stop them. I personally believe it is part of the grieving or acceptance process. Time will temper the pain and ease up your feelings.

Acceptance has been a good plateau for me. It has allowed me to step up and be the man that I want to be... to be the man that only a fool would want to leave. Sad that we underestimate the sheer level of willpower that fools can achieve when living in dreamland.

[Mimi00]

I can relate to how you felt when you woke up in the middle of the night having negative thoughts after dreaming of your H too Mimi. I was having such dreams recently about my W too. As much as i do not want them to occur, it seemed that only in my dreams, i am only able to see my W! (ironic isn't it for me)

Yeah, it was an odd dream though. I didn't mind it, just the fact it didn't make much sense.

This is where I got to and am probably a couple of steps past it. Yes, I agree strong marriages can be had but it takes both sides to make it happen. It is also a commitment for it to be a continuing process.

Exactly.

I can speak from my own experience how getting so far and stopping the growth was detrimental to my M. If I had applied the same thought pattern I have for my work to my M then I would have been better off. I am constantly looking to improve my skills in my field. yet, when it came to my M... not so much.

However, looking back with a new outlook, I can also see that I was ill-equipped to do much more than I was doing. DBing maybe common sense stuff but, for me, it put it in terms that I understood. I got it. Only took several sharp blows from various implements applied firmly to my head...

Yes, many of the books I read, the advice seems so common sense. I am like why didn't I do these things?!? But they are honestly things I NEVER thought to do.

When my H was here last month, I told him I've gained a lot of knowledge through reading and how I now realize I didn't have many of the proper tools to have a healthy marriage, but now I do. I then asked if he thinks he had/has the proper tools to make a marriage work? He responded "the resources have always been there but we (mainly me) didn't take advantage of them"........

Books on divorce/separation are what really helped me, they actually show you yourself and have the steps and things you need to do to help your marriage... divorce wasn't on my radar so how would I have know to use that resource? *sigh*

But of course... I validated him and moved on. lol

[TryingToDo180]

Hi just picked up on the start of your thread to read your sitch Mimi. Just by reading the start of it reminds me of my sitch. One thing I've not been doing is keeping up with my thread. I was expecting people to reply to it and that's why I never kept it up. My H told me he was filing, he delayed it once and I've not heard anything since. I know he is struggling financially so I really don't know how he can afford it.
I also wish I'd read more self help book whilst we were still together, but you don't realise things are out of control until it's too late. My H said we've been living as room mates as well. I like the line that someone put on here that said "he may be over forever now, but it might not be forever in two months time, lol. Right well, I'm going to start posting on my thread, speak to you soon

[MileHigh]

I've gotten the roommates line as well. I keep hearing MWD saying that the WAS will say in no uncertain terms that they were never happy, etc.

"he may be over forever now, but it might not be forever in two months time"

I really like that, too.