My mother is dying. XW wants to be my friend.

[tadpole1025]

Hey there. I have a question that I hope some of the vets can answer.

My S20 told me yesterday that my XW wanted me to know that one of my uncles who lives in a different state had died. She has done this on three or four different occasions.

The question is:

WHY DOES IT SEEM LIKE MY XW KNOWS MORE ABOUT MY FAMILY THAN I DO OR KNOWS THINGS ABOUT MY FAMILY BEFORE I DO?

I'm not allowed to even talk to her family, but she seems to not be able to keep her nose out of mine....

It p!sses me off.

Tad

[Whiterose]

I'm too new to even begin to answer that question but I wanted to say I'm very sorry for your loss.

Take care

[job]

Tad,
There is no rhyme or reason for what she does. Most likely, she still considers the family and extensions as friends and keeps up w/their news. You have to remember...you were the closest to her, therefore, she saw you as the problem, not the extended family. I would venture to guess that she's keeping up w/the news via the internet or in close contact.

Whatever she's doing, I wouldn't be too concerned about it. Maybe she thinks she's being helpful in letting you know things about your family. She's looking at this as being "friendly". I know it's not fair, but you've got to let her antics go down the toilet. One day, it will come back to bite her. For now, keep the focus on you.

[JustStunned]

Tad,
Sorry for what you and your Mom are going through. Spend as much time with your Mom as you can.

I have recently gone through something similar. Time spent and supporting is an aspect of my recovery. It can be one of your also. At the end of the day we are responsible for our recovery. Please take steps to enable yours.

My X sought to interject herself in the process after my mom passed. I do not believe this would have been constructive and I was glad when cooler minds prevailed suggesting she should maintain distance.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Whiterose, Snodderly and Juststunned.

She actually did it again today. She called to give me info about my MOTHER.

This upset me a little bit. She also spewed at me a little today.

She has contacted me more since she has been married than she did before.

I find myself slipping again and starting to believe all of her lies and spew.

The question is:

If she is going to continue to do this, how do I handle these calls?

I sometimes get the feeling that she really does want to be my friend. The problem now is: I'm not sure what I want.

Tad

[MrBond]

"I find myself slipping again and starting to believe all of her lies and spew."

The question should be...why are you even listening to it and STILL taking it? Especially since she's M'd.

Simple. Next time she spews, tell her that you do not appreciate it, that you deserve much more respect than that, and that the best part about not being M'd to her any more is that you don't need to listen to her nonsense any more. Then just hang up.

You haven't done much to get your b@lls back from her. You need to stand up for yourself. She left you. You aren't the one who did wrong.

[Portia]

Tad,

People who want to be friends with us, do not spew at us. This is not kindergarten.

You know this.

Perhaps stop taking her calls altogether, after all what information is she telling you that you don't already know about your mother- she IS your mother who you are spending time with and supporting, right?

[MrBond]

Actually, what type of "spew" was she telling you?

[tadpole1025]

Perhaps stop taking her calls altogether, after all what information is she telling you that you don't already know about your mother- she IS your mother who you are spending time with and supporting, right?

Right. It was info that she heard from my brother's XW who heard it from my other brother's XW. Funny huh? Everything was blown way out of context. I saw mom this morning and she is doing fine. It is funny in a way that she has to keep sticking her nose into my family when I was threatened with bodily harm if I ever contacted her family.

Actually, what type of "spew" was she telling you?

1 - She was unhappy for so many years and hoped for a miracle.

2 - I betrayed her "over and over and over."

3 - Her internet fling had nothing to do with her leaving.

4 - She then accused me of cheating on her. Said that she heard it from a former co-worker. When I asked her to tell me who it was, she ignored the question....twice. It is because it is a lie. I've NEVER cheated on her. As a matter of fact, up until I was 43, she was the only woman I had ever slept with. She couldn't name an informant because there is nothing to tell and she knows it.

She still seems like she is trying to be nice (who knows why), but also seems so angry.

I still don't understand why she would want to be a friend to someone (me) who is supposedly so terrible.

[MrBond]

Okay, so all of those things she said make no sense now. Just tell her that you're sorry that she feels that way and that she's in a new R, so should be happy. Then end the conversation.

Start standing up for yourself.