On this Board we are told to focus on us and so I have done - not without falling down flat on my face more times than I can count, but I have tried.
To add to the general information and knowledge pool of MLC, I thought I would do up a short chronicle of life from xSO's point of view.
In his opening posts, Cadet says that much of this process is only seen retroactively. I think that is true. I have not tried to fit this into the stages. I was not one for watching stages.
In Aug, 2008, xSO lost his father unexpectedly. He was devastated. His father was an alcoholic but xSO always spoke lovingly of his childhood and parents so I am unable to fill in the blank as to whether this MLC was precipitated by a childhood issue.
He began to act a bit off, nothing major. I assumed he was grieving. He never spoke of his father.
In 2010, he began to have anxiety: he was convinced the world was in a heap of trouble - read: conspiracy theories and that no one was paying attention. This was a very real fear. WE spoke of his fear often but I could never calm it. He said he could hear the train barrelling down on us and no one was looking.
I noticed that he was a bit distant, but not enough for me to think something was really wrong. It was little things, like no spontaneous hugs and no compliments when we dressed up for dinner. At this time, he also began reading every fad diet book and following them all.
In Aug 2011, we went on a trip. He had brought a notebook for the first time and could not seem to stop checking and e-mailing. (Missed one there, didn't I?) When I mentioned it, probably not nicely, he had a meltdown. He said he hated me. That was the first time. It was actually scary - he was crying and screaming and he smashed his computer. The only thing was is that he had done this before, not often but once or twice before in the years I had known him, so while the tantrum was unusual, it was not completely alien either. The I hate you was, though.
We patched things up and even managed to enjoy the rest of our trip. I was hurt when I saw that he emailed a married female friend of his that he was enjoying himself but wanted to come home. Early on in our relationship, when we were "taking a break" because we were moving to opposite ends of the country, he had an A with this woman. I had no idea that he was still meeting with her - and not with the "old work friends" like he told me.
By then, I really started to feel the distance between us. Again, maybe stupidly, I never connected it to the pursuit of other women. It was just the little things that created the distance. Almost intangible. By Christmas/New Year 2011/12, he was having sexual trouble, was very stressed and withdrawn. I now know that his search for a new relationship began around this time, although I did not know that then. Wasn't even the same as the GF that I would ultimately find out about and that he would ultimately leave me for.
The next seven months, he was oddly unavailable. When we spoke of a trip I wanted to take, he disagreed and refused. That was unusual as we were always good about indulging each other's whims. I asked about summer plans - he accused me of only wanting to see him so that he could do things for me. When we spent time together, something always felt off, but nothing big. Nothing that gave me a hint of that BD was coming.
By June, 2012, the GF was installed and BD, ILYBINILWY was issued. It was so script, although I did not know that then, only one life, life is short, you are not what I want. Turns out, he'd been lying to me for a very long time. I finally paid real attention to the discrepancies in his words and realized that he was lying.
The rest of my story is in all my posts.
It appears that MLC does last a long time. In xSO's case, it has already been 4 - 5 years. Maybe it is over and he is content with his choices - the GF, being step parent to her kids, maybe she's pregnant. IDK. I wonder if he ever realized that the train barrelling down the tracks all along was him.
After BD, he did say that he was depressed, had trouble sleeping and would have melt downs in his apartment. Maybe that is true. But I find anything they say after BD extremely suspect - believe none of what they say, right?
When I told him it might be better that he pursue his "dream", I did not hear from him again. That was almost four months ago.
Anyway, I continue on my path but thought that some of my story might be helpful to someone.
