Don't come around here no more

[wishing, hoping]

Hello all -

So woke up this morning not feeling so well. I have a huge knot in my stomach. I am starting to feel like the world is turning against me and that things are starting to turn in H's favor. I am starting to feel like I am the crazy one.

I am not trying to get people to feel sorry for me if anyone should think that is my reason for posting here. I like to use this board as a venting place because I assumed others would understand how I feel and what I am going through. I like to use this board as a vessel of support.

I feel like I am losing my footing. This morning I was so despondent I couldn't see to drive. My mom tried to make me feel better this morning. She told me she is very worried about me, which really only makes me feel worse.

I am starting to feel like I have no choice other than to give in to H's demands.

WH

[golf mom]

WH, I've had all those same feelings including feeling despondent. You have legitimate concerns about your security and children. You are doing your very best under very difficult circumstances.

Are you able to take a leave of absence from work while you sort things out? If so, can you leave with the kids short term? You need to get out of your home and go where you feel emotionally safe. The stress that's being inflicted on you is abuse. Please talk to your attorney about your options and stress the urgency and toll this is taking on your emotional health.

I am very, very worried about you. Please see your doctor if you haven't already. Call a crisis hotline if you need to. Please let others know that you need help.

[wishing, hoping]

That's all I would need is to take time off work for emotional issues and H will be sure to use that against me too. He will never ever let me take the kids away. And I will not leave without them. He has me trapped. If I take time for myself I will be more despondent because I will miss the kids. And H will use that against me as abandonment.

Yes, H is mentally and verbally abusive to me. He is borderline that way with the kids, too.

I don't know what to do. If I say I need to leave to save my emotional well-being, H will get meaner to push me out faster. He is a monster. His family has told me that he is meaner than a snake when he doesn't get his way.

I can't let this guy take away my power. I just don't know the best strategy to proceed. And this costs so much money. My mom tells me I have too much invested to quit now.

Trying to dig deep. But H will be home tonight and has the next two days with the kids so he will be an absolute bear to be around. I am dreading that.

WH

[golf mom]

I understand feeling trapped. I haven't had to live with my xh since BD, but he has controlled the money, except what I earn, and that has kept me in a frantic state.

There has to be a short term solution for you. Forget about goodwill toward your h or approaching him with any suggestions about how to make this work financially. Let your attorney handle your interests in the house, etc. It will get sorted out in time.

Right now you need to focus on your well-being. Until you are in a safe place emotionally your mental health is in jeopardy. You can't stay where you are and you can't abandon your kids. Find out what you can legally do. There must be resources in your area through the court, crisis center etc.

WH, it is ok to ask for help. Your h can't use that against you. I kept from getting help for myself for the same reason and I suffered greatly. Confide in your doctor. Those records are confidential. If you are concerned about your h getting those records via subpoena talk to your attorney about that. Your h's abuse hurts him not you.

[wishing, hoping]

Thanks, GM. I do take anxiety/AD meds. They do help, but things are really heating up and I don't know if I am prepared to take it on.

And that's the other thing. H is taking control of the money and I have none. I have to jump through hoops to get the little bit that I have. I can't prove it yet, but I suspect H is withdrawing it so that I can't get it. He can't directly deposit into his account, but there are ways around that.

Thing is, I do want to leave, but H wants me to leave under HIS terms, not mine. And I am worried the courts will force me out with no financial arrangement. Right now we don't even have a parenting plan signed. This is another one of H's tactics to get me out while we don't have a parenting plan so let's just keep the 50/50 going and then why change it? He knows I am against 50/50 so he is trying to force it through.

H would love it if I cracked. I can't give him that satisfaction, but I need reassurance. And that seems so far away right now.

WH

[wishing, hoping]

Good evening folks

Well, it has been a long day. Work is nuts and frustrating. Add that to the frustrations at home and I could use a drink. But didn't. Lol!

D had a doctor appointment. Nothing serious. A well-child check up. She is in perfect health and is tall for her age. The doctor told her how important it was to eat fruits and veggies for brain power and D asked for carrots before bed! Lol! Of course Iet her. Besides, her two front teeth are very very loose and I was trying to encourage them out. D is a little freaked out about it so I am trying to be easy. But the other teeth are coming in right behind so they gotta come out. They grow up so fast.

Part of the reason I am so downtrodden is D told messy night she wishes she was skinnier and her belly is too big. I almost fainted. I told her she was perfect the way she is. That's all I need is for D to start having self-image problems when her dad is seeing another woman. I didn't sleep well last night. I am over my head with this business and her dad refuses to let her see a counselor. She asked me in the store tonight why daddy and I don't hug and why we never go anywhere together. I didn't know how to answer and it wasn't an appropriate place to discuss it. I will sit down and talk to her one on one later. Poor bunny.

H was H tonight. D tie dyed one of his tshirts at camp tonight. She didn't want a tie dyed shirt so I told her we would decorate hers with puffy paint later. H seemed happy with the shirt. He put it on but took it off later. She did a nice job so I hope he actually wears it and doesn't just stuff it in a drawer. H mowed the lawn like he does every Tuesday. He worked on the camper too. S told me the electrical was not working on the camper. I don't know if H got it fixed or not. He came home with some fast food and harbored himself in his room to eat it. Now I don't expect him to do that. That is his own choice.

H did seem to be angry. But of course that's the norm anymore. Now to stay out of the line of fire for the next 48 hours. Easier said than done.

I feel like I am in a nightmare. I wish I could wake up.

WH

[wishing, hoping]

Hello all -

As an FYI I decided to pursue primary placement of the children. I have tried to work with H long enough and it's either his way or the highway. It's time I put my foot down. He'll be angry, but that's nothing new.

H is too overconfident and cocky. He thinks the judge will kick me out and allow the kids around OW. He already emailed me and asked me to change weekends with him so he could take the kids camping. He even went so far as to tell me OW would be there too, if the stipulation was lifted and if her back wasn't hurting too badly. In fact, he went so far as to go ahead and reserve the campsite before he even asked me. Another coincidence...the day they leave for camping is the day we have the temporary order. Isn't that convenient?

I didn't reply yet to his request. I don't have a problem switching weekends so the kids can camp with their dad. I do have a problem with OW being there. But if the stipulation is lifted, there isn't much I can do, except cry. Once we are divorced, I can't do anything, but we are still married so right now I can. And I will.

I will do what I can to protect my kids.

WH

[kml]

The judge probably will allow the kids around OW. Pick your battles - if the stipulation is lifted, it is. It just is.

Does primary placement mean full custody? Does that affect how much child support he has to pay? If so, expect a fight.

I know it's hard, but try to separate out the business part of the divorce from the emotional part. I know you don't like his parenting style and that it galls you to think of OW being around your kids. But those are things you'll have little or no control over after the divorce.

Focus on a solution that gets you out of the house ASAP and on some kind of reasonable financial footing.

[wishing, hoping]

Hey KML

I know there is nothing I can do once the divorce is final, but it's apparent with this new evidence that H is trying to kick me out and bring OW in. I am hoping the judge recognizes that.

There is no money for me to move with. H has emptied the bank accounts. There isn't even $100 in the account right now. If the judge says I should leave I want a stipulation that I have time to find a place and support as well. Rent here for a three bedroom place is $1000 and up. I can't afford that. And I can't buy anything with the mortgage and car and credit card on my credit report.

It's not his parenting style that is the issue. Its his judgement or lack thereof that concerns me. He can do all the physical things necessary to act as a parent, but the stability and unconditional love is not there. There are sommany reasons.

If I'm going to fight I need to do it now, not after the divorce. It will be too late then and I don't want to have regrets.

H thinks he has me over a barrel. Now he doesn't want to take on the credit card debt or the second mortgage unless I agree to 50/50 placement and what H wants to pay for support and no maintenance. H wants what he wants and will not take anything less.

WH

[AJM]

I am just worried that I will run out of steam before he does.

Nah. You won't. How do I know? 'Cause you're not crazy and they are your kids and it's your life. The world is not against you, WH. Just your soon to be ex. That's par for the course. And you're up to the task.

The thing is perspective. If you could see what I see, this wouldn't bother you so much. But as it is, you're living it right now and you do see too closely. If that makes sense.

When all is said and done, you won't have to fight much longer, directly. There will be skirmishes, but you can choose to stay out of those. And you'll see that he's not the prize he was once was. He'll be something you try very hard to stay clear of. Over time, you'll get good at that and get to where you like that

Put the fears away, WH. What is going to happen will. You'll deal with it as it comes and you'll do so with a lot of integrity and grace. It's in your nature.

Let the little things go and keep focused on what's important. The skirmishes take a lot out of you and aren't worth it. They bring you to his level and are draining.

If you're going to fight a war, and I don't recommend nor see a reason to fight, then you need to fight it your way, not his. Just sayin'

You're doing fine, but it is draining you. Choose your battles carefully and know you have limited resources to apply. Let the small things go as much as you can, WH.

Peace,
AJ