Need help detaching

[planet]

i'm still here. learning.
but i'm serious about your H. I think he's guided strongly by his moral compass. He may be confused regarding his relationship with you right now but i don't think he's going to do something silly to hurt you even more.

[chl0901]

Hi lost, try not to feel too down about not ML while pregnant - my H and I didn't from about my 4 month mark (when I really started to show) until about 2 months after the birth. I had longed for our physically connection during that time, but he did not want to ML to me (and my hormonal self took it really personally). He was there emotionally for me at that time, which I know you do not have right now and I'm sorry. My H later told me it freaked him out to ML knowing our baby was right there. He never said this but I also think my weight gain may have turned him off in addition to the other reason (I gained 37 lbs). I think some men just have issues sleeping with a pregnant woman!

[lost_hope]

Thanks planet and chl0901. Chl, you're right about the ML now except as you point out no emotional support Last night he was talking about having Thanksgiving or Christmas at our new home, but then for past couple of days he reminded me that's he's leaving me and "why won't I get it through my thick skull" that he's only doing this for the baby. So then why does he discuss hosting our family for holidays.

I don't know how much more of this i can take. Im starting to think a real separation would be better for us. Like maybe once we move in ill let him just stay with his mom right away.

I'm exhausted guys. I'm three weeks out, packing a condo, figuring out how to close on two properties, having to prep my MIL house for our temporary stay and still having to deal with this with H. Some days i just want to run away. I am still reading DB and on the chapter regarding doing something different. Well my do something different might be to just completely give up on us. each day that passes in this state pushes me further and further away.

Also what do you guys think? Maybe since he's left before, left/is leaving again, and he's so unhappy I should just let him go. He's clearly not as invested in me as I am in him. What am I holding on to??

Anyway my GAL today is to read and pack bc I don't have time to do other GAL activities. He's going out tonight: hockey, out with boys after, errands for his mom. So I'm not going to call or fuss about time. (Haven't been doing that for weeks).

I'm not being negative. Just honest. I don't think 180 / gal / DB will bring us back together b/c he wants to be apart and doesn't think that just bc were married we should be as connected as normal people imagine married people should be. He's perfectly happy to have me have a totally separate life and he has his own. So anyway ...

[lost_hope]

Think I might sneak out now (we both are working from home for the afternoon) with my laptop and work in the library in the condo. Also wont answer when he calls (and he will). He's taking a nap. I just want to get out of the house for a bit before coming back to do chores. I don't know what vets would say about not picking up phone but he basically always forces me to pick up when I don't want to. Like today in between my meetings I wanted to be alone (based on our thick skull conversation) and he kept texting and asking where I was (he has the right to know of course bc I'm pregnant with his baby). I finally told him, he came downstairs from his office and spent 30 miserable minutes with me discussing real estate transactions. Why bother?? Like leave me alone if I'm such an awful person. He doesn't want me but he can't stand it when I pull away from him. So what do you guys think? I typically always disclose my exact movements and whereabouts. Should I 180 and not tell him all the time? Does it matter that I'm pregnant? I'm doing this for me btw, not to get him back. I just need some stability and control. I feel like I let him control things too much.

[lost_hope]

I didn't end up going out but he called me (didn't hang out after bc his family is in town) and asked me to go see his aunt and uncle. I hesitantly said yes but then something happened yesterday (he didn't stand up for me when I felt he should have) and I texted him today about sticking up for me in the future and that set him off. Of course I am not allowed to say anything about anything

I went into a major epic meltdown. I was even prepared to pay him money to leave me and my son and I can do things financially on my own. It would be a struggle of course but I think I could manage. Well of course he said no but that made me more upset.

I will do IC (once I heal enough from c section) and take anxiety meds once the baby is born but until then I am a right mess. I think, and of course I know I'm cycling and might say something different tomorrow, I will try to remain calm for next three weeks not bring up the S or D at all until the new year. That gives him five months with his new son and me in a new house (if he chooses to stay which he may not) and 10 months from the "INILWY". I can't take too much more than that bc I will want to move on with my life in the new year and get used to being a single mom.

Problem with my H is he's happy to exist in limbo and I am not. If he says he doesn't want me (which he's said at least once a day this whole week) then I will take him at his word and proceed with my life. I can't just wait for him to decide what to do with me. I need some control back.

Today's GAL : I'm at my MIL cleaning and putting baby's things away and trying hard not to call/text to continue our argument. I am sooooo exhausted I don't know how I'm going to have energy for my son when he arrives. But then again I can't wait for this little boy to arrive. If anything he will serve to put a smile back on my face

[lost_hope]

Dcotors appointment to discuss anxiety meds scheduled. Sunstantive part of DB read (skipping the maintenance part for now b/c I actually have to have something to maintain first). Tried the "forecasting" trick from DB and so far, so good, though I have a few more hours left in the day. I am detaching by staying at work late I do have work to do getting ready for my mat leave, but I feel like this is what men do when they want to detach from thier wives. Going home soon, wish me luck. I am going to re-read sandi's/180 rules. And I am repeating my forecast: Today will be a calm day with no arguments, outbursts or meltdowns. (I can't predict a "good day" yet because for me a good day would be my H getting out of his fog).

[lost_hope]

Journaling my self improvement measures to undertake after baby (based on his complaints and/or introspection).

1. Lose baby weight and get in shape. I was a size 0 before pregnancy and have only gained about 22 pound so far and all in belly and boobs, so this should be easy. What I do anticipate however is that I will be flabby. In addition since I'm naturally skinny I never exercise (beyond the occasional random dance class). Once I recover from c section I'm going to incorporate fitness into my routine at least 5 times a week, mostly from home (have to be realistic with new baby) and occasional Pilates and dance classes outside the home (which I can use as part of my new mom approved GAL).

2. Focus more on hair and makeup. Apparently he was bothered by the fact that I don't wear makeup daily (never was a problem before in fact he used to tell me I don't need it) and pointed out that at 34 I'm no spring chicken. He didnt complain about hair but I've taken to buns and ponytais lately. After baby us born i will make it a point to do both daily, even if that means I have to wake up earlier than I want. I also may try new style and colour, though im very conservative so it wont ever be too drastic (brown instead of black, loose waves instead of stick straight). Since I'm not a morning person ill have to make sure I'm going to sleep earlier at night (once baby sleeps through the night of course).

3. Deal with my anxiety. I'm going to go to IC as soon as I can and also start on meds to help as needed.

4. Be more tidy around the house. Though this is not something I feel I should focus on (being the one who has always earned more / always worked) its important to him. I will be more conscientious about it but also will hire a cleaning lady to assist me in the much bigger Space were moving into.

5. I will try to be more patient with others and avoid high stress situations (interacting with customer service reps for instance).

Thoughts? Are these too superficial?

[labug]

Is that who you want to be?

I understand we all have changes to make, when my H gave me his "list" there were some that really stung because I knew I needed to change in those areas. They were things I didn't like about me.

Are the things you listed, things you don't like about you?

Also, definitely don't put a lot of pressure on yourself after the baby comes. You're going to be recovering from major and surgery and taking care of a baby 24/7. Honor that. Love yourself.

[labug]

major abd surgery

[lost_hope]

Thanks labug! Really appreciate your comments. Of the things I listed I'd say the ones I truly want to do for myself 100% are the getting help with anxiety and being more patient / avoiding high stress situations. That's for me and most importantly the type of mother I want to be for my baby. You are correct about my recovery from major surgery and also honouring the time after. Thanks for the reminder.

The other ones I'm so-so about. I'm perfectly happy with my body and am also thankful that I inherited my moms skinny genes and fast metabolism. I've never had to work at being skinny I just always was without watching diet or exercising. And I'm also healthy besides the miscarriage and uterine tumours we discovered at the same time. So honestly the 5 times a week would be a lot for me. I do think there's an overall benefit of incorporating some exercise into my life though.

The hair / makeup thing I'm ok with bc I wear makeup and like getting my hair done. I just have slacked on it a bit. I'm very feminine in my wardrobe and so this would just compliment my style more. I do imagine it would be harder to focus on those things after baby. And I intend on being a total tiger mom so will be spending a lot of time and focus on him from day one. I don't feel I look bad without makeup (most people mistake being in my mid twenties) but I guess I look more plain and less sophisticated when I don't. I suppose I wouldn't mind looking more polished.

The cleaning thing I'm not on board with at all. At risk of sounding really snotty we have the same education level, we're both professionals, and I've always contributed to the house monetarily and always earned more (even if the disparity in salaries is not that great which is the case now). I am also instrumental in the success of our consulting business (which has suffered in the past two years bc of our issues and my miscarriage and now pregnancy). I quite frankly don't think I should be spending my free time making sure the house is spic and span. I have better things to do and think about. To be fair he cleans and does laundry so it's not like he's a guy that sits on his butt expecting me to do everything. But I am definitely expected to do more /care more. And I really just don't. He didnt allow a cleaning lady for the condo but he will for the house since its a bigger space and we'll have the baby. But that's only going to be once a week at most and ill have to tidy in between. Now I know that it will be harder for me to do this after baby and especially as I indicated i intend on spending a lot of time focused on the education and development of my baby from day one. So that one is a huge stretch for me.

What do you think? I'm doing things for the wrong reasons?