I have no idea what I'm doing

[labug]

LMFTs do a range of counseling.

Ask your SBXW, that would be about the only way you can find out.

[Valeska19]

Don't ask. It doesn't matter.

I'm not sure if you are legally married.. but if you are.. chances are you will have to pay for the insurance anyway.

My x tried to kick me off her insurance because she thought she had a right to. The law protected me.

You still have obligations under the law as her spouse. Whether you agree or not - you still need to uphold them. Because that is the fair thing to do.

[labug]

I agree with Val, sometimes to say nothing is the best path.

[JuneReN]

I know RT,

But at least she is using it which means she realizes that this is not going as she has planned, whether with you or AP.

And at the end of the day, you do want the best for the people you love (even if you need to borrow the whack a spouse hammer- like whack-a- mole at the fair, no prizes, very satisfying though)

[RealityTrip]

But at least she is using it which means she realizes that this is not going as she has planned, whether with you or AP.

And at the end of the day, you do want the best for the people you love (even if you need to borrow the whack a spouse hammer- like whack-a- mole at the fair, no prizes, very satisfying though)

You are right. I do love her. I do want what's best for her. My emotion comes from jealousy that she didn't go sooner, when she was with me. Fear of the loss of control that when she comes home to talk, if she opens up about her sessions, it will be with AP and not me.

I want her to be healthy, happy, and whole again. I just don't want them to be happy together. That's the raw, petty, reality of it. I want AP to suffer the loss of my W just like I did. I want my ex-friend to know what I feel like. I know that makes me sound like a horrible person. There is so much anger there. Some of it mis-directed because my W owns it. It's so much easier to point all of that fire at AP because I do still love my SXBW. I do. I still love her.

This morning I woke up and cried again. I prayed out loud. I'm struggling but I'm putting one foot in front of the other. It just feels like I'm walking in cement shoes. I see my IC tomorrow. I used to go bi-weekly but I think at this point I will see her weekly until I'm feeling better.

I'm going to let this therapy thing with my SBXW go. I want her to get help and be supported in her own recovery just as I am with all of you, my friends, my family and my own therapist... Because I love her.

I have a dinner date with an old friend tonight... the one who posted on FB and dubbed me the "Limo". Its been a while since we've seen each other. I've been in LimboLand and we just slipped away. She's a really good person.

I'm doing what's best for me. Even though it hurts.

[labug]

It hurts like he!!, no doubt and some days all you can do is get through the day.

Don't beat yourself up about it. Do the best you can and tomorrow is another day.

[JuneReN]

^^^ I echo Annie^^^ :P

It's trite, but true. And it does hurt and there are days that I am pissed someone else is getting the H that I wanted all these years. That he decides to get his sh*t together now etc., so these feelings are valid, just don't let them define you, because you are so much more.

Meditating is helping me these days.

[chl0901]

I want her to be healthy, happy, and whole again. I just don't want them to be happy together. That's the raw, petty, reality of it. I want AP to suffer the loss of my W just like I did. I want my ex-friend to know what I feel like. I know that makes me sound like a horrible person. There is so much anger there. Some of it mis-directed because my W owns it. It's so much easier to point all of that fire at AP because I do still love my SXBW. I do. I still love her.

I don't think you sound like a horrible person at all. I bet a lot of people on here feel the same way. I know I would if my situation ended up that way!

You keep doing you! Have fun at dinner!

[RealityTrip]

My DB wagon hit a bump and fell out. Well... it's more like my wagon was rolling along and I steered it into a bump because I wanted to get out. I own it.

One of my GAL decisions, if you were around when I announced it, was to get a college degree. I applied to schools, got accepted and have been navigating my financial aid. My W knew all of this. She was happy for me. Although I don't believe she thought I would follow through. I think that's one of her beef's with me in our M. I'm a dreamer.

So yesterday I finished up with my academic advisor and we settled on 2 courses and I registered for Fall.

I wanted W to know. That's it. I wanted to say.. "See! I'm fine without you. See! I'm doing it. See! See! See!" JUVENILE! I know. I craved her validation? I don't know. I wanted to rub it in? Maybe. Regardless. My monster took over and I emailed her.

"W, I enrolled in my first semester classes. I need to get my laptop ready. Did you purchase protection for your laptop? Would you be willing to share it? (if it's shareable?)"

... last month we both had our laptops cleaned and we were going to get virus protection as a multi-computer pack to save money... I had effectively searched for and found an "excuse" to contact her.

She responded with info on the computer stuff and at the bottom... "Congrats on registering for class! That is really awesome!"

I got what I wanted. She knows. I was validated. What's with me? I feel like a kid saying "Na-na-boo-boo".

I see my therapist today... whew!

[labug]

We all do it, and you know exactly why you did it. That's a good thing.

Congratulations on registering, 2 classes will keep you occupied and meeting new people.