Thanks, MPT, for your thoughts. Of course, my first reaction to HER reaction to my note was, "there she goes again." But your points are valid, and I do take them to heart.
Friday night was not good. We basically communicated with my daughter as if neither of us was in the room. Her, because she was mad at me. Me, because I wanted to give her space and time to cool down. Saturday was a little better, but still the coldness prevailed. At one time, I saw he at the computer, looking at Bed and Breakfasts. I asked her if she was looking at them for the family vacation this summer. No. I asked her if she was looking at them for her and me to go to. No. Then she said, I just feel I need to get away. I left it like that.
Sunday morning, at about 4 am, she asked me if I was awake. Surprisingly, I was. We talked for about an hour and a half. Did we resolve anything? I honestly don't know. I certainly expressed my views about how intimacy, passion, and yes, sex, are extremely important to me in order that I can show love, and feel love. I told her about the 5 love languages, etc, and that my 'moral code' would not allow me to go outside of our committed relationship to find the physical touch I am missing so much.
And she talked, too, of course. I am trying to understand her thoughts on love and marriage and sex, and they just don't seem to make sense to me. I will try to articulate them to you, and please let me know what you think.
She says that my "obsession" with sex is a real turn off. She says that when I do nice things for her, she feels as if I am doing them in order to get sex from her. She says that when I leave her alone, don't touch her, give her space, that I am doing this in order to get sex from her. (as CeMar has noted, there is a lot of truth to this. Having had sex with her twice in the last year, I am trying everything.) She says that when sex becomes less important, or even, perhaps, not important at all to me, that is when she will finally be "turned on" enough to have sex with me.
How will she know that I have reached this point? She just will. Sigh.
I told her that she was trying to control my very thoughts, and that it was doubtful I would ever reach that point. She didn't really respond to that.
Then she reminded me about my ex-wife, and how her love language was gift-receiving. And how I was expected to buy her gifts, and how her moods were dependent upon the gifts I gave her, and how I began resenting buying her gifts. This, she said, was how she was feeling about sex with me. That was about the first thing she said that really made any sense.
But how am I supposed to change my thinking about sex? I have to tell you, I don't think I should. Although we "got along" the rest of the weekend, I'm not pleased with the outcome of the talk.
I still want her to read the SSM book, and it is still sitting on my dresser. She said she looked at it briefly, and that she may read it. I do not intend to hide it from the kids. My dresser is in my closet, so the kids probably won't see it, but she will, as the ironing board is right next to it.
One positive note. She said that as she was looking through the Bed and Breakfast Inns, she kept thinking to herself, "this is a nice place, I'd really like to go to it with Hairdog." (although, she didn't call me Hairdog.
That's enough for this morning. I await your comments.
