Fy, I have been a long time and have seen a lot of MLC stories. I have also been in contact offline with a fair amount of people from here.
Here's the thing and the reason why your w confuses me.
Most, not all, MLCers get an EA or PA. Most, not all, do not stay such good friends and keep up appearanes or want to keep them up as long as your w has. Most, not all, do not share all the details of when they go out, to their spouses.
As far as the brother thing, I know you dont think it is affecting her much hence the not on her radar comment. But, as a woman, I can tell you that kind of thing can cause deep wounds. I am not telling you that to cause concern.
After all, you know her best. We only get to see what you show us. But, if I had to make a guess, while it might not be foremost in her mind, it has had a profound affect on her.
She might not even realize that it is part of the root of her actions.
I can be wrong. Wouldnt be the first time. I truly hope that I am.
I am glad I emboldened you with my words. .
And you know, I am one of your biggest cheerleaders, FY. Really and truly.
My hope is that your w sees that she can have a fun life, have friends outside the marriage, try new things, feel young all within a marriage with you.
She might not even realize that (the childhood SA) is part of the root of her actions.
This is truly what I believe to be the case. Whether the SA is even in her thoughts or not, there's not much I can do about it, right?
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Had a tough day Saturday. W had planned an outing with GF and her man friend, (MF) and then GF cancelled. W tells MF she's still up if he is. WTH? Does she really think solo dates with another man are acceptable? Especially when she won't even allow herself to have fun with me? F that. I'm getting pretty tired of this loveless M crap.
On one hand I sure would like to pull out the rug from under her and tell her what time it is... on the other I like that she's telling me everything... I don't want to make her feel like she has to hide this stuff.
I do know this. I won't tolerate an A.
Originally Posted By: uRw
At some point, and it is not now, you might have to start thinking about doing something different.
Why not now? She's obviously not going anywhere, what am I waiting for?
Don't forget uR, your words have emboldened me!
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Sunday morning we visited her Dad and my folks. Keeping up appearances as always.
So I'm still doing my own stuff and staying out of her way. Went to the drag races Sat night. Sunday I went and looked at some water fountains for the backyard. I'd like to make a relaxing little area to just kick back and meditate or read.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
"Had a tough day Saturday. W had planned an outing with GF and her man friend, (MF) and then GF cancelled. W tells MF she's still up if he is. WTH? Does she really think solo dates with another man are acceptable? Especially when she won't even allow herself to have fun with me? F that. I'm getting pretty tired of this loveless M crap.
On one hand I sure would like to pull out the rug from under her and tell her what time it is... on the other I like that she's telling me everything... I don't want to make her feel like she has to hide this stuff. "
oh I remember W's GF's MF. I mistook what you were calling him I sure hope MF did not take W up on her offer for a solo date, did he? I can see how you are getting really really tired of just living side by side like people in a boarding house. It's so hard, isn't it? I get tired of it too, but at least I have the excitement of RT riling my H up until he spews at me every week or so
I know you have a bunch of GAL activities. Do you have any that involve other women? The volleyball maybe? Remember how she got a bit withdrawn and sulky after she saw how well you and GF got along? Maybe if W saw that other women in addition to GF find you fun and attractive, maybe it would ping something in her brain and she would remember she finds you fun and attractive too?
By the way, did I miss it? Did she pick out red for your new car???
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
FY, have you thought about what you could do differently? I would think along the lines of what could be done to shock or jolt the current situation.
Yes.
It seems things could go on as is for quite a long time if I don't do something to shake things up.
The thing I believe is in my favor right now is she doesn't have an OM. Why wait around until one does show up, and makes things even more difficult for us?
Summer is W's extra stressful/busy period at her work. She often stays late and goes in on the weekend, so I'm thinking this would be a bad time to apply any pressure to her. Probably should wait at least until fall. Of course, W has more vacations planned without me for then, so maybe it is better to drop some kind of reality seeds now.
Last year at this time W said once her busy period was over, she planned to find a place of her own... she never did.
The new car issue may help me deliver a reality check.
Originally Posted By: RosaLinda
oh I remember W's GF's MF. I mistook what you were calling him I sure hope MF did not take W up on her offer for a solo date, did he?
No. GF decided to join in after all. It sounds like he was willing to though. Neither seems to have any interest in the other, in that way. He's wanted GF for years, but she refuses to commit to him. Yet they continue to hang out and flirt.
I know you have a bunch of GAL activities. Do you have any that involve other women? The volleyball maybe? Remember how she got a bit withdrawn and sulky after she saw how well you and GF got along? Maybe if W saw that other women in addition to GF find you fun and attractive, maybe it would ping something in her brain and she would remember she finds you fun and attractive too?
TKD class should resume in a month or two, and it is mostly women. Maybe I could get a couple of them to come to my home studio for private training. Not sure if that would help W and I though, she might still like me to find someone else and move on. At least that's what she said way back at the beginning of all this... hasn't for a while now though.
By the way, did I miss it? Did she pick out red for your new car???
No, you missed nothing on the car. W is still taking her time deciding on this, and frankly now I'm not so sure I want us to buy an expensive new car if we're only going to split up soon.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Hey, my friend. I can feel your frustration. Something about the possibility of her going out alone with MF bothered you and it has your feathers a bit ruffled.
So, I said the time is not now because I wanted to be sure you were ready for whatever may come from your words or actions. There is the possibility that whatever you do may or say may jolt her into realizing what she has in you. Or, it may go the other way, and push her towards making a decision to move away from you.
And with your w, honestly, it could go either way. I still dont think she is willing to leave her life with you and is ready to let others know what it happening. That seems to be important to her.
The thing is how long are you willing to stay with the way things are now?
If you are saying not much longer, than, I want you to be fully ready for however way it goes. And trust me, you may think in your head your ready, but, when it goes down, your heart has a hard time.
So, my sweet friend, here are my words to you.
I support you in whatever you decide to do. I know that it will come after great thought, with compassion and in your wonderful FY way.
There really is never a good time. You might wait til the fall, then the holidays are not far behind and round and round you go.
I am not, in any way, encouraging you either way. My opinion is that you are getting closer to wanting some kind of movement. And I do not blame you a bit. You have been extremely patient and loving.
Fy, sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do and let the chips fall where they may.
W: Us. It seems you never want to talk about it. Don't you ever think about it?
M: Sure, all the time. It could be 3 weeks, it could be 50 years.
W: Oh god. If i feel like this in another year I might as well be dead.
She mentions a song called "Suicide Solution" or something like that.
W: Maybe you'll "win". (out last her by standing I guess she means?) Maybe you're just waiting for me to die. Then laughs and says maybe that's why you're cooking for me!
M: I tell her I'm doing what I want to do... I hope you are too. Life is too short to do anything else.
At some point she tells me that she wants Passion, Love, and excitement. That it doesn't seem possible with us. Makes a comment that going out and starting all over (finding a new partner) isn't appealing either. "I'm stuck"
(I think: That may be, but I can't help but wonder what would happen if Prince Charming walked into your life and said the magic words.)
W: Maybe friend/coworker J is right... better to settle for a life of Mediocricy just to have someone there.
She tells me the yearly busy period at work is just "an endless cycle". Then mentions how that may come to an end at the hands of the new owners, once this years cycle is complete... and she'll lose her job. "Maybe that'll be the change I need."
M: I know you'll figure it all out, I have confidence that you will.
She laughs, "ya right, I haven't yet."
Near the end of the conversation I said "I just want to be here for you if you need anything. Let you figure things out."
I'm thinking I need to initiate R talks once in a while to help her feel "unstuck". The timing of when I do this will be important. Mostly just listen and let her talk. Let her know that I think we are a great team, and can be an even better one.
Also gently let her know that if she's so sure there's no hope for passion and love between us then let's end the M. Go out and find whatever you're searching for, my love... Just don't expect me to be a best friend after demoting me from H.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I don't know how you do it, /kneels in your presence.
You sound like your in a pretty good place. Just a question, and don't mean to imply anything, what do you think she'd do if she found out you were dating? You've been at this a long time, but I was just wondering if you've thought about it? Or go out on a Friday night with friends, and hmmm, not make it home till morning? I know that comes off as a manipulation tactic, but I really don't mean it that way. Even if it is a way to "test" the waters.
Interesting about the job sitch being thrown in, and the starting over being unappealing... but man it sounds like some depression, don't you think? I know you wish she would see someone, W said quite a few times that she was "stuck", and hated making decisions because "what if it was the wrong one?" things many times. These are slow cautious ones we have here.
I liked your responses, Jedi...
You know this really is about her. I don't know what else to tell you that you don't already know.
Hang in there, slow moving wheels are still moving.... T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
W has said and sometimes almost obsessed on feeling bad for me, the way she was treating me these past 4 years...feeling really guilty (and throw the kids in...oh mercy...the guilt is rampant).
Add in your W's job concerns and busy time...she just can't be feeling all that hopeful and good about her life...the mediocrity statement says a lot...
I would hate to feel like that, and I know you would too.
Patience is the ultimate prayer?
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
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