Quote: And I think my W just figured that I was accepting the whole situation, had given up, and that life would be cool and sexless.
I don't think your wife is cool with your marriage. I think she has some very serious issues that need to be addressed by the two of you. As much as you need to stand your ground to be heard, you need to work very hard to hear what she is saying too. I think she has some very important, valid issues with you. She may not be just making it 'about her' to be a victim and manipulate the situation. It is a marriage and it is as much about her as it is you. I sense some very deep dissatisfaction from your wife.
She has made some very significant personal sacrifices for your marriage and family. No, you didn't twist her arm to do that and maybe you didn't feel she really needed to do it. But if you love her, you need to acknowledge what she gave up for her family. Put yourself in her shoes and feel what she is feeling. Express compassion and support for that personal loss. Even if she dismisses your support as unneeded, express and give it anyway. The loss is very real.
I also question whether your past "backing down" on things or handing them off to her HAS really worked well for your W. I think there is a good possibility she gets frustrated with your backing down and possibly loses respect for you. Not everyone gets disturbed by conflict. Some people can have a good fight, get it all out in the open, listen to someone else, appreciate a good argument, and respect and love the person who stuck it out as a fully involved participant. They may even be very turned on afterward.
Maybe your W wants you to "engage" not back down. A good fight doesn't have to be a screaming match with namecalling and objects thrown. A good fight is when both people stay engaged until they work it out together. You may be cringing at the thought of sticking it out with your wife, but it really won't kill you. (I don't think. )
But remember, you have to be as willing to listen to what she is saying and hear what she is feeling as you want her to do the same for you. No dismissing what she says as "just an excuse" or manipulative or intentionally misinterpreting what you're saying. You start with those assumptions and you won't be able to really hear her.
Maybe you could try what I do with my 5 year old twins when they're fighting. They have to sit on two chairs (far enough apart not to be able to touch each other) and neither can get up and go play until they've worked out their problem to the satisfaction of both . No screaming allowed.
On another note, when I wrote the possible interpretation that your wife gave to your note, which of the two below comes closest to your reaction?
A. "There she goes again taking everything the wrong way. I wish she'd stop doing that to me."
B. "If this is the way she sees things, that must really hurt her."
) 
