newman7977 I'm in similar situation as yours. I can't accept EA as well. More they spend time together, the more hurt I feel, the less love I feel for W, the more need to detach. The thing is, our spouses don't think its EA. They think its time spent between close friends much like when we started out. If you say something, your spouse becomes defensive. What can you do about it? Absolutely nothing!
I think much of Sandi's pointers will work. This gets their attention. They will want to reach out but its their pride stopping them from doing so. You need to have patience, you need to have your spouse reach out first.
M35 XW34 D5 D4 M 6years T 10years Bomb 5/2013 Joint Petition signed 6/2013 Moved out end of 8/2013 Court Hearing of Joint Petition 9/2013 D finalized in 3 months - no news yet
Thanks planet. Unfortunately I've been in this sitch for a long time...I recognize its not working. Time to do something different. Last resort? Maybe and I'm ok if it goes to D or R. I'm not afraid of D anymore. I've regain self sufficiency and my confidence. IMO, you need to stand up for yourself, you need to respect yourself and protect yourself and if that means protecting yourself by means of D then so be it.
The thing is an EA/PA is a major road block to R, the sitch will not improve if your W is in an A. And it is my value not to stay in an open M. I will save my M but not at all cost especially if an A is ongoing. Our WAS' need to sense some kind of loss and perhaps that will get them out of the fog. And I do realize that it might not happen that way. So this is my last resort, it could end in D and that's fine with me and will accept it.
This is how I'm respecting myself and if my W can't respect that then it is her loss.
Good luck to you planet.
Newman
me40; W43 M18; T~20 D18; S13 & S3 bomb 5/9/11 EA busted 4/30/12; 9/4/12; 4/29/13; 6/10/13 same OM
Separated 4/1/14
"Even a flicker of light will shine through darkness-12/25/2012"....better days ahead.
newman7977 as days goes by, i'm getting less afraid of being alone. I recognize that i'm in a shorter period than most, but this is how i feel.
Last resort? What do you plan to do?
M35 XW34 D5 D4 M 6years T 10years Bomb 5/2013 Joint Petition signed 6/2013 Moved out end of 8/2013 Court Hearing of Joint Petition 9/2013 D finalized in 3 months - no news yet
Planet, I will read up on ur sitch. Not familiar with your sitch and not sure where you're coming from on your posts. Only you know what's best on your sitch. Don't make any rash decision if ur still early on your sitch. Read up on here, read DR apply and filter what you learn that you feel is appropriate on your sitch.
Read a lot of self help books, read up on different approaches here, tough love, waiting out the A etc. I find myself in a tough love approach and will not tolerate any A. Read up on some boundaries if you haven't done so.
What am I gonna do? I'm still formulating and learning the D process, talking to L's etc...I'm getting my ducks in a row.
Newman
me40; W43 M18; T~20 D18; S13 & S3 bomb 5/9/11 EA busted 4/30/12; 9/4/12; 4/29/13; 6/10/13 same OM
Separated 4/1/14
"Even a flicker of light will shine through darkness-12/25/2012"....better days ahead.
newman7977 i'm not trying to influence you in any way i just thought there's some similarities right here right now. And i think i know how you are feeling now. kindred spirits if you may.
M35 XW34 D5 D4 M 6years T 10years Bomb 5/2013 Joint Petition signed 6/2013 Moved out end of 8/2013 Court Hearing of Joint Petition 9/2013 D finalized in 3 months - no news yet
No i didnt think you were trying to influence me at all. I was just trying to be cautious of what to respond to you because I haven't read up on your sitch. Looks like you're early on your sitch and this takes time. It's just on my sitch I'm reaching the point of actually filing myself and to removing myself from this sitch.
Yep it's creepy that most of the sitchs here are very close to identical. Hey man stop by anytime and thanks for your support.
Newman
me40; W43 M18; T~20 D18; S13 & S3 bomb 5/9/11 EA busted 4/30/12; 9/4/12; 4/29/13; 6/10/13 same OM
Separated 4/1/14
"Even a flicker of light will shine through darkness-12/25/2012"....better days ahead.
The limbo train has been smooth ride lately. The focus has been shifted to d18's move to college. I will really miss her--she's a very good kid and responsible. I'm sad and the same time happy for her that she's going out there in the world. She's going to be 400miles away from home. We will have a road trip this Friday to drop her off. I'm still trying to get over it that she won't be driving with us on the way back.
And s14, I'm still battling him. He's the hard child lol. He seem to debate/argue with me and his mom 90% of the time...sometimes I can feel my blood boils but I contain myself and still be firm with him. He will listen to me but disrespects his mother. I do remind him not to disrespect her every time he pulls that stunt. Overall, he is not that bad, I think it's his age. He does his work but you'd really need to be on top of him.
S3 just turned s4...we had a small birthday party for him last weekend. I like this stage of his age...he does things that would really amaze me and the W...and we just lol
For the sitch, it's the same...W's loving feelings have not returned. No mention of D lately and I myself putting filing D in the back burner to see how it's gonna be after D18 leaves for college. Last R talk we had, she mentioned that she has not talked to OM, how much do I believe this? Oh about 20%, although I stop snooping so I don't know really if she does or not. All I know is i will divorce her if she does continue with her EA.
Overall, our interactions have been good. I don't focus on saving the M, I mainly focus on me, what I want and what I won't put up with. And so as a consequence the pressure is off and I am generally happy/content about myself.
So back to the limbo train. When will I get off? Who knows maybe on the next stop.
Til next time, Newman
me40; W43 M18; T~20 D18; S13 & S3 bomb 5/9/11 EA busted 4/30/12; 9/4/12; 4/29/13; 6/10/13 same OM
Separated 4/1/14
"Even a flicker of light will shine through darkness-12/25/2012"....better days ahead.
. That sounds fun you guys have a great time!