Hi Valeska! Hope all is well with you! Gonna head on over to your thread now and check in
Journaling:
For the past couple of weeks I've been having interviews with a potential new job. This would be in addition to the job I have now, but has great long term potential for my career and would definitely help me out financially. Interactions have been mostly positive with theEx, but I know that things might get a bit tense when I go out of town in a few weeks. Traveling on my own is still a major trigger for me and although I've traveled on my own once since BD#2, I know I will have to keep myself in check when the time comes.
Things worth mentioning:
1) Recently (before I applied at the job) theEx has been mentioning an "us" more and wants to invest money in re-decorating our current place. Even when talking about hypothetical new places, mentions "us" moving there together instead of just her. This is an improvement from before when she would strictly talk as "I" and was hellbent on moving out and even an improvement from a couple of months ago when she wanted to do minor re-decoration but also asked if that would be okay if she still moved out. So even though she has dropped any mention of moving out recently, I know better than to let my guard down. This weekend we started phase 1 of redecorating and she has been saying how excited she is to have the apartment look so nice.
2) She surprised me at work and brought me food after she was done at work, saying she wanted to congratulate me on landing my first interview with this company. Although we actually only work 10 minutes away from each other, she never randomly stops by just because. The last time she did that was months ago. So that was nice.
3) I gave her a brief rundown on what I discussed in therapy last week week (which we both do each week when one of us has therapy). In the middle of telling her something unrelated, she asked if I told the therapist that we're together. I gave her a puzzled look and kind of laughed, "No, unless we got back together and I didn't know it?" Perhaps that wasn't the best response, but it caught me off guard. She asked if the therapist asks about our status and how I respond, so I told her she doesn't ask about our status but asks about our interactions and how I believed we've been having more positive interactions lately. I asked what if her therapist asks about our status and how she responds and she said she tells the therapist, "it is what it is." I said what does that mean and she said that we are together in many ways even though we aren't technically together and that she's trying to live in the moment. I didn't ask her to elaborate any further.
4) Physical interaction is still positive overall. While driving the other day, she reached over to hold my hand for a few minutes (which hasn't happened in a while).
Way to go, SpecialK! It is darn to keep things positive and light when she is not yet fully back in the R. Overlook those small things and carry on as best as you can.
Specialk, H always made references to our future, or we will do this etc. or my favourite "We could have a place and be room mates..." sheesh.
Alcohol fueled affection is my specialty..H and I have gotten into tonnes of ahem...trouble. So I made that a boundary.
It is a good sign that P still touches you. I make an effort to touch H in passing etc. and he will sometimes touch me on the back or arm as he passes. We went to a concert last week and were constantly touching or holding on to each other. His LL is touch for sure, so I try to validate it.
I like your answer about the therapist asking if you guys were together. I even like your answer. I think it says "No" with conviction, but you took away the edge with the "unless I don't know it" part.
Hi Valeska! Thank you for checking in. Hope all is well with you
Journaling:
Had two notable positive interactions this weekend.
1) She made a comment about how she wished we had a bigger place. I didn't really respond when she said that, then she added that once she begins making more money in her career we could get a bigger place (since right now I am paying for all of the rent). I tried not to read into it and just smiled and said that sounds good to me. I made a casual comment about how I'd like an extra bedroom for guests to able to visit and mainly to use as a home office and she said that would be a good idea. This is the first time that she's made those kind of plans, real or not, with me in awhile. When she had talked about making more money before, she rarely mentioned getting a bigger place together. She might have once or twice right after BD#2, but mentally it seems like she's in a different place than she was in then.
2) On a separate occasion, she commented again about getting a bigger place together. Then added, "if not a bigger place, then I'd like to re-decorate the apartment." I asked her what she wanted to do and she had suggestions about the furniture (new entertainment center, dresser, etc).
A month or so ago, we were at Home Depot, and she wanted to get curtains. Then asked if it would be okay to get curtains even though she still intended on moving out. It upset me greatly at the time, so when she made a comment about buying new furniture, I tried to be nonchalant about it this time and tell myself it doesn't necessarily mean anything.
Regardless, I will keep on my DB path and continue to work on myself!
Much to say, mostly all encouraging. But please get some curtains. Why would she have to ask you if she can get them? Did the fact that you paid the bills mean you had the power in the r?
Also, of course you MUST make an effort to interact with her family. They are HER family...if you make her choose between them and you, what does that mean about you?
It's a big 180 to work on, and I hope you'll keep that in mind. having to put up a happy face with people who are kind to you, should not be so hard. Why is it?
Okay, I'll post more later but one last thing. PLEASE GAL with other people.
Not just by yourself or other introverted activities. Why not meet NEW people? Stretch your comfort zone some. It seems a tad limited and might come off as limiting to HER...make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hi 25! Thank you for taking the time to read through my thread
In regards to curtains, I think she asked if it was okay to get curtains for the apartment not because I would need to be the one to purchase them, but I think she was unsure if it would be appropriate or misleading for her to re-decorate the house with the intention of moving out in the near future. A few months ago (when there was more tension), I think she was very worried about leading me on because she felt like she couldn't see far ahead. Since that original conversation a few months ago, we've purchased things for the apartment and she no longer mentions moving out. It doesn't cause me to lower my guard, however, or become lazy in my DB efforts. I know these changes will need to be lifelong, but that I will become a better person because of it.
I do make more money than her, but I don't think I held all the power in our relationship. She pays for what she can, I pay for what I can, and whatever I have leftover I use for both of us.
And you're absolutely right about the family stuff. I was in the wrong for not making enough effort with them in the past and honestly it didn't have to do with them, but more about my past and coming from a broken family. I don't spend a lot of time with my own family, so I guess I'm used to having limited interactions with them. The ex (before my current ex) had us spend an unreal amount of time with her family (like I felt like they ALL lived with us, even though they didn't), so I think that's why I was so over it by the time I started dating theEx. I was definitely in the wrong for not making more effort in that department, so I make it a point now to agree to any invite theEx extends to me for family stuff.
Yes, need to work on my GALing with other people! Honestly, I'm having a hard time meeting people here (I've been in SoCal for about 3 years now) and my office is small (only about 6 people in our office). I am trying, however, to make more effort with the few co-workers I have and do stuff with them outside of work (and separate from theEx). Baby steps, I know! Maybe I'll see if I can join one of those meetup groups or something!
# # #
Journaling:
My younger sister gave birth this weekend, so I am all kinds of excited!! I can't believe I'm an aunt. I'm going home next week to spend time with her and immediate family (who will always be in town), so it'll be nice to see them and to spend time with my friends. It'll be a good opportunity to enjoy myself and do some GAL activities. I think it will also be a good opportunity for theEx and I to spend some time apart and hopefully reconnect when I return.
TheEx was also very excited about my sister giving birth and that she was now an aunt. It made me smile that she still considered herself to be part of my family (because regardless of our relationship status, I still consider her to be part of my family). It was cute how she gushed about wanting to see the baby when she goes back home later this year.
Hi specialk, it's formerly known as Hwy 61, had my username changed.
Glad to things are looking up for you! Sounds like she is slowly starting to reach out for you, and that's great! Keep up all of your hard work, it is really paying off. I would keep with the small physical touches, is her love language physical touch? (from the 5 LL book)?
Great that you are going out with your co-workers more and working on GAL.
I haven't been on here much and I was wondering how you were doing. Happy to hear things are going well for you.
Take care, -cp
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
Being an auntie is soooo much fun. You get to play with them, form Rs with them, and then GIVE 'em back to their parents without any of the headaches!
You seem to be DBing wonderfully and keep on keeping on baby!! Sometimes it is good not having to define the R as it messes up your head and heart. When you and P are ready, then you'll know what to do if you elect to 'define' the status of the R.
It is darn to keep things positive and light when she is not yet fully back in the R. Overlook those small things and carry on as best as you can.