Hairdog, Hodgepodge of thoughts follow. I have to run soon so pardon the incoherence or lack of thorough thought.
If I were you I would respond that you want to help her feel loved in the way she feels love, but that you still have a need to EXPRESS your love in the way you need to.
Then, frankly, I think you should ask her which of these two scenarios she would feel best about (1) she argues her point exceptionally well, and gets things exactly the way she thinks she wants them but leaves another person whom she loves feeling lost, or (2) she lets go of her point for a bit and listens to what the other person is feeling, works with that person to find a win/win solution even if it isn't exactly the way she thinks she wants things right now, and this person whom she loves feels heard, accepted, and loved.
On second thought, that's what someone outside of your relationship should be saying to her. I don't think you're in a position to say it and be heard right now.
You and she aren't communicating as two people who love each other. Not saying that you don't love each other, but you aren't communicating as two people who love each other. You are two people who are trying to get your world to work according to your individual perspectives instead of as a two people on the same side. Perhaps you should be talking about that for now. Put the sex issue on hold for a bit and address the you vs. me approach to problems.
Why does your wife feel it is always about you? Does your wife feel like she has to "take care of you?" These are rhetorical questions on my part. I think you need to ask her why she feels like it is always about you.
The financial issues and the smoking thing may not be directly related to sex in your eyes, but they may be very important in how she sees you and her role in the family. There may be other things that make her feel she's the infrastructure of the family and consequently is already giving a great deal.
