Hairdog, The message you may have inadvertently conveyed is this: “All of the other stuff about you and everything else you have done doesn’t really matter. The fact that it is clear to me that you love me doesn’t really matter. I don’t care about any of that stuff; all I care about is sex with you. All I really value about our relationship is what happens for me when I have sex with you. Unless that happens I can’t be happy with you. You could have stayed in your house, in another town, essentially being a single-mom, and I would have been just fine as long as I was having lots of sex with you.”
Someone says, “Everything about you is wonderful and I’m so in love with you, but I can’t really be happy with you unless we’re having lots of passionate sex.” It isn’t that hard to hear that as “I ONLY value having sex with you. Everything else about you really means very little to me.” So in response the LD spouse says “It’s ONLY sex” and the HD person feels their needs aren’t accepted and validated by the LD spouse. And the LD spouse feels like everything ELSE that makes them who they are is meaningless to the HD spouse.
I’ve been trying to figure out what was so different about my experience with my “HD” spouse from what gets written here. The above pretty much sums it up. My H passionately adores ML and having sex with me. I wanted to improve our sex life because he loves it so much. But I felt loved by him for all the other qualities that make me me. He was happy being with me and because he was happy with me he wanted to ML to me.
Now before everybody jumps in with “But I really DO love her/him for all those other qualities! That’s WHY I so desperately need to ML to him/her!” Stop and think whether that is the message you’re really conveying to your spouse IF you are continually saying that you aren’t happy with them without lots of passionate sex, regardless of everything else about them that you think is really great.
I’m actually trying to help you get the sex you want but the message has to change from “Only sex will make me happy with you” to “I AM happy with you; therefore, I want to have lots of sex with you. I want to express my love for you and my happiness with you. I feel like all this love I have for you gets bottled up inside and I ache to express it. ML with you is what lets it all out for me.” See the difference?
