Not sure what the next step is for me on my, "self growth tour". I guess I will need to get out of my comfort zone a little more. That goes without saying. I need to meet some new people, also goes without saying. I want to spread my wings and do more, outside of the home. I have been kicking around the idea of going on a vacation, just daughter and I. I would love to take her to Disneyland, but the idea of just the two of us kind of scares me and makes me sad at the same time. I need to get passed that type of thinking. I need a new outlook on life, a new beginning. I've really been thinking about what that will look like for me, and to be honest, I don't know what to do. I am not going to jump into something like underwater guitar lessons or take a class in macaroni art self help, because I don't want to dig that deep to find my niche. I pretty much know the things I like and enjoy doing. I just need to find new people, or that special new someone (when the time comes) to enjoy them with. It suckz being single. I feel like I am in a race, running around looking for things to do to fill time, and always coming home feeling empty. I never felt like that when I was married, (I guess I am still married, but I am getting myself used to looking at it like it was past tense).....I am still very lost about how to change my life. One thing at a time. I am just happy that I am controlling my anger better, and I was able to pull myself up from being in such a bad place a few short weeks ago. I need to keep the ball rolling in the right direction...towards happiness
On a side note, I did my trade-off with daughter today. I was able to pull it off without even looking wife face to face. I just opened her door and yelled up the stairs for daughter to come out. Wife never even showed her face, which was good with me. Later, she sent me a long text explaining that she was working on numbers and letters with daughter this week, and she asked if I could work on some certain things as well. She said to "enjoy your week with daughter". It was all very appropriate I guess, but I chose not to acknowledge that part of the text. She also asked about a motorcycle that a family member recently purchased. She is working on a insurance policy for him (wife is an insurance agent). I sent her back a picture and a very short reply telling her what kind of motorcycle it was. I thought to myself, "ask you customer"....I am sure I came across very cold and stand-offish in my text, which literally consisted of a picture and a 3 word sentence. Unfortunately, I do NOT wish to engage her anymore, at least not right now. I don't wish for the feeling of hurt to last any longer than it needs to at this point. I think it is best for me to stop trying to be nice in hopes of saving the marriage. I think I need to distance myself as far as humanly possible. I am not saying that I need to be mean. I won't be mean. I just don't wish to be hurt anymore and it seems like seeing her, talking to her, texting her, hearing about her, all seems to hurt me. I need to get away from her all together, even if that consists of pushing her away. I think that is best for me. I need to save myself.
