Husband Threatened to Leave, Don't know what to do

[TrentC]

I'm just having such a hard time with him being so cold to me. I don't have the patience for it to take months. It's tearing me up inside. We had a great night last night. He was in a very good mood and we had a great night in bed. Then he just popped in on his lunch break and is the opposite. So grumpy. And I asked what's wrong and he just said he is so grumpy. So I gave him a hug and held tight. He didnt hug back but he did bring his head down to my level to respond a little bit. When he left I gave him a kiss and told him I loved him and he quietly under his breath said he loved me too. Is he jus sayin this and doing this cause he has to in the moment? I can't handle the on/off good day/bad day. It's an emotional roller coaster and its killing me inside.

I know how you feel. But consider it from his point of view. It sounds like he has been asking—begging?—for things to change and you, by your own admission, have been ignoring him. People don't make up their mind to go unless they believe there is no chance that things will get better.

I don't know why he is angry either. I think it means he is angry at me for not listening to him in the past and now taking it seriously. Im not sure. He wAsnt angry at all yesterday and we had a nice day! And cuddled all night long and he thanked me and everything. Then today it's a nightmare.

I'm sure that's part of it—"Why did it take me threatening to leave in order for you to take me seriously?"— and he's probably also a little bit scared. He's scared that you are only doing this to get him to stay, then go back to your old ways.

I know a guy who did exactly that; his wife was going to file for divorce and he promised he would do better. And things were good for about 3-6 months, then he decided that things were "fixed" and he went back to the way things were. She hasn't decided to leave again, but I think if she does there won't be anything he can say to change her mind next time.

It sounds like if you want to save your marriage, then things have to change permanently and for the better. That's what the GAL and 180s are about; it's why I was asking about exactly what kind of physical affection he was looking for, and whether or not you felt your needs were being met. You can't just grit your teeth and do it without being truly committed to changing, because you will either give up at some point and be back in the same place down the road again, or YOU will get miserable and consider leaving. Do you want to feel like you are being forced to do something against your nature for the next 10 years? 20? 50?

Here is some stuff that I got from one of the DB phone coaches a while back.

1. Don't try to capture him, try to attract him. Marriages, regardless of the vows and promises you made to each other, are voluntary. No one wants to feel pressured or trapped. The example the coach used was dating: when people are first dating and getting to know each other, they don't spend a lot of time discussing commitment or what their future plans are; they enjoy the time they spend together. And the main reason they enjoy being together is because they find the other person interesting!

2. There are three attitudes you need to convey. This isn't about talk, this is action; he will respond more to what you actually do than what you say. The three attitudes you need to convey are:

* "I get it." This is not something that is going to blow over; he has real concerns that he's dealing with. If so, now is the time to apologize for that.
* "You need breathing room." Again, no pursuing or R talk! This is an opportunity for the two of you to figure things out.
* "I am working on myself." This is where the GAL and 180s are necessary. He should see that there are things you can (and are!) doing to be healthier, happier, more willing to change, etc.

3. Your new attitude. You need to be confident, you need to be casual, and you should strive to be consistently friendly when possible. If you need to "act as if", then do it. This also leads back into point 2; if you are doing things and happy, you are more attractive than someone who is sitting around the house moping.