Nearly 12 months since BD, 18 months since W started getting confused and 8 months since W moved out. W started early menopause, in MLC (not as bad as some, but worse than others.
Decided it is high time to take stock of my sitch and decided to do a summary of how I have progressed over the last 12 months or so, what still needs work and how I move forward from here. This is more for my benefit but any insights/comments would be useful:
Going well: 180's •More of a confident independent man who takes responsibility for the household, chores, washing, ironing, bills etc etc. Even refused help from my mum as I wanted to do this for myself
Kids •Relationships blossomed. Eldest spending most of his time at mine during summer (most of his friends near my place) and having a ball with youngest with special needs. Really think both W and I have done a good job keep things as stable as possible for them
Image •New outfits, shaved beard, new hairstyle (whats left of it:)). I get more attention from Women and W has commented on new outfits – how the colours suit me, nice shirt etc etc.
GAL •learning to horseride, gym, 5 a side soccer, running club •Activities with special needs S, swimming, horse riding etc.
Compassion and understanding •Spent a lot of time understanding what it must have been like for W to be a stay at home mum all this time. How trapped she must have felt and how thankless a task it appeared to her especially caring for S with special needs. •Realise I didn’t emotionally support her like a H should and how this must have made her feel •How I didn’t show my appreciate W contributions more and how this must have made her feel
Goals •Achieved being positive with interactions with W at pick ups and drop offs but staying dim during the week. •Achieved having a time alone with W and general conversations. Each Monday when I drop S bags off from the weekend we have coffee (always initiated by her) and talk for ages, sometimes 2-3 hours. Granted I spend most of the time listening and letting her lead the conversations. Hence the potatoes in the title because she always takes me in the back yard to show me how well her home grown potatoes are coming on. W confides in me about her problems (not R ones but general).
Finances •Finances secure and stable having stared financial ruin in the face
Relationship with W •Have stood my ground where needed but not shown anger. There were certain crunch points early in our sitch and she has apologised since for her behaviour. •She asks my advice on things more •She texts me occasionally in the week – just general stuff but not every week •Said she misses me more than once and has commented how hard it is not having me around but still convinced she has to do this •Gets very upset from time to time about our sitch •I validate and console alot •We hug pretty much every time we part company – we both initiate this, sometimes it is a friendly hug, others she holds on tight like a proper hug if that makes sense
My behaviour •Trying to be more alpha – calmer, a good listener but better leader but not an a$% if that makes sense. •On reflection there had also been some passive aggressive behaviour on my part, but just with W mainly for a quiet life. •Practising love languages more but still working with words of affirmation. •More appreciative of life and glass is half full as opposed to half empty outlook •Generally a better person to be around
Not so well/Work in Progress:
•Decision making – getting better but needs work as I still fear making the wrong decision •Detaching – again getting better but still get drawn in – still working on it •Moving on – although I am busy every day of the week I still don’t get the ‘I will be okay no matter what’ feeling. D still scares the life out of me and I still can’t imagine not being with W long term. I also worry about this as most sitchs I read that R it is not until the LBS truly moves on that a true R is an option. •New goals – my main goal now is to have a casual date with W…meal, movie or something. Not really a date as such but spending quality time with her in a more social setting. I sense we are a long way from this still! •W and the M home. W still gets all weird in the M home and avoids it unless she really needs to call round. Understandable I suppose given she associates it with memories that she probably doesn’t want reminding of. But I do wonder if that will ever go away for W.
Moving forwards •Detach (still!!!!!!) •Patience (still!!!!) •Dating? Well I have had 2 offers but turned them down. When is it okay to do this? •Work on being more fun. Not that I am boring but some spontaniety wouldn’t go a miss.
Things I still need help with: One thing I am interested in knowing is how do you truly move on. I feel like I am generally happy with life but there is still this cloud ever present which is a potential looming D and accepting that it is over for good. Until I accept this, how can I move on...and how do you come to terms with this?
R talk. This has never come up although I perhaps have had an odd opportunity when she tells me she misses me. Presumably I cannot bring this up myself until I am truly ready to accept the possible consequences (i.e. D) and move on?
Asking W out. Pressure/pursuit I know but providing I take any rejection well is it acceptable to just ask her out....not a date as such, but more just hanging out...meal, go out for coffee etc..
