I am doing better today...yesterday was actually a pretty good day. I have made a decision to stay positive. I think that CAN and should be a choice that is made, by me and everyone dealing with this. For the last few days, every time my mind starts sinking, I have forced myself to focus on, "hey I have a nice house"..."hey, I have lot of free time on my hands to do whatever I want, whenever I want". "hey, I should call a friend and just say Hi". The list goes on. I am still struggling with interaction with wife. I will be honest, it isn't easy for me to even see her. I have been trying to avoid her all together. We have however, been texting in regards to daughter and that is staying very amicable. The less I interact with W, the better I am feeling.
A couple things that have been issues for me in the last few days; Daughter expressed to me (when I asked her where she slept at OM house), that "mommy sleeps on the couch or sometimes in Dave's bed"....WTF! I don't know how to interpret that. I have to remind myself that this is coming from a 6yo. For all I know, she could have been sleeping in his room while he was mowing the yard. Who knows. It is however very concerning for me. I am not sure, but I highly doubt W would be so careless with daughters well being. I am not going to mind read, build a scenario or acknowledge it at this point.
I did have a long detailed conversation with MIL, regarding this sleeping incident. The conversation went into a marriage conversation, with her expressing that she thinks W is pursuing an unhappy road with her choice to move so quickly with OM and the fact that he really isn't her type in the first place. She worries about the long term....ya, no kidding MIL! Unfortunately, she also admitted that she has been giving some of this advice, about how to move on, to wife. By definition, MIL is a grand master of "getting out". If you recall, she is on her 5th marriage, which is currently struggling as well.
All in all, I am doing much better today than I was a week ago. I think I was just on a very bumpy portion of the roller coaster track.
Have you been successful at making a appt with a T or a Dr. yet?
Can you come up with a goal for yourself- One that you are 100% in control of the outcome?
You are too good a man to trudge through the depression muck more then you have too....Talk to the T and/or Dr about A.D's . Im not trying to push- its MUCH better to be pro-active and keeps you in control.
At this point, I have given it a lot of thought. I have not taken it up with my Dr. I do have my AD's on hand, and I could start taking them on my own. My prescription is still current. It was a personal choice for me to ween myself off them a few months ago. At this point, I am going to try other solutions, but I will definitely consider the use of my prescription if things begin to get worse again.
I am going to set goals....I think that is going to be a key to moving forward.
suckerpunch, just letting you know I am in the same time period. My W BDropped 9 months ago. In those 9 months we have had very little (see all of my topics) communication, either text, face to face, email or phone. We haven't had any talks about us, what went wrong (apart from the first few weeks) or the future. She has constantly (in the few times we have communicated) confirmed it is over, doesn't want reconciliation, no MC and she wants to move on. Then out of the blue last weekend she initiates a text. The day before my reply to the solicitor about our assets being divided. During our meeting, I find out she isn't the happy, new life type person she made herself out to be. She looked unhappy and emotional. She hasn't made any changes in moving on, or improving herself mentally. And I think that is the whole point of DB. We the LBS start to improve ourselves. Some go the whole extreme and work on their diet, fitness, looks (clothes, haircut etc), but mostly we work on our mental self. That is the change they see and others see (family, friends) see. That is a big thing when they are not working on themselves. They see a new us, a better us, while they still struggle with just blaming us for what has happened. So suckerpunch, while I don't have OM to worry about, I still have the same time period as you. My long term (at this stage) is to simply think: My W had to deal with my faults/complaints for many years, so why the heck can I not put up with her faults (walking away) for some time?
I like that. Wife did have to put up with my BS for a long time. I can put up with hers as well.....not that I didn't already, during the marriage ;-)
In regards to my sitch, wife has put a lot of effort into herself. She has done some soul searching and thinking about who she is and where she wants to go. She has been eating right, working out and drinking less. Prior to, and after BD, wife was a borderline alcoholic. Now, her drinking has tapered off to very little. Perhaps, that is a good influence from OM, who apparently doesn't drink much at all....but neither did I. Wife is happier than she was at BD. This I also know. Wife is not that good of an actor. I think a big portion of her new found happiness can be attributed to her moving on with another circle of friends, new activities and a new romantic interest. For obvious reasons, she is going to be distracted, having fun and staying busy. She doesn't have to be worried about real world issues, like day to day family things....who picks D up from school, how are we going to pay the credit cards off, etc. She is just focusing on having fun. Bottom line, She is off and running. She's stubborn. She has also been sectioned off (a lot by her own doing) into a corner, where even if she wanted to come back, pride and guilt wouldn't allow it. She has distanced herself from friends, from family, from our daily routine. For her to return, would be extremely difficult. To be honest, I have also given a lot of thought to the infidelity aspect. I am not so sure I would be able to get over the fact that my wife and mother of my daughter has more than likely slept with another man.....Just not sure if I could do it.
I am not going to give the marriage much more thought. She is heading down her own road, and I can't worry about it. I am just going to keep my distance, take care of myself and hopefully life will treat me nicely. At this point, I am going to start living my life as a happy, healthy, single man. Daughter will be my primary focus when she is with me. When she is not, I will relax and enjoy the free time....what else can I do?
I had a pretty good weekend, haven't seen or heard from W since Thursday. I haven't snooped on her facebook, haven't heard about what she is doing or where she is going, haven't really had any text contact even. I really am starting to believe that just keeping her out of my sight, and having little to no contact, will help me to move forward.
I get daughter back today. I actually didn't miss her as much as I usually do, even though I had no contact with her either. Perhaps that is because I had stayed busy with work and socializing this weekend. I am however, really looking forward to spending a good quality week with her. I still brutally hate the situation that this has put her in. She doesn't deserve to have a broken family. She doesn't deserve any of this. My heart still bleeds for that part. I worry about how it will effect the course of her life, as well as mine as a father. OM is starting to slide into the "step dad" role. He is taking them camping for a week. He is contemplating buying daughter a motorcycle. He has been putting them up in his home and playing house. I struggle with that a LOT. No matter how I look at that, it will effect my connection with daughter. Those are the things a father should be doing with his daughter, not some OM. At least, those are my feelings.
For GAL, I have still been hanging in the same circles, socializing at my business, BBQing with friends and family, an occasional dinner and drinks out, but for the most part staying close to home. I have been so slammed with work, I have not had time to branch out. I need to meet more new people, and I need to start building a new circle of friends. I am still hanging, for the most part, with couples. I need to work on that.
In regards to my anger, I feel that I really making gains on controlling it. I had a little opportunity to test it this weekend. My sister and I had a blowout, in which I stayed perfectly calm and controlled. She spit venom. In the past, I would have come literally un-glued, under the circumstances. This time, I didn't lash out. I stayed controlled. I focused on the issues and didn't bring other things into it. I validated her and expressed appreciation, all happening while she was being very rude and unkind. That's clear growth for me. I am happy about that. I am happy about the way I handled it, and I am happy that I was able to control my feelings.
I still brutally hate the situation that this has put her in. She doesn't deserve to have a broken family. She doesn't deserve any of this. My heart still bleeds for that part.
As my boss is very keen to remind me, children don't ask to be born. Yes, we are mostly here because we want to save our marriages (except for those who are giving up their valuable time to give advice) and improve ourselves but we also have to remember that the children, however you dress this up, will be hurt. The only way I think it can work is to be honest and forthright with them.
SP - glad to see your doing better and back on track. Also happy to hear about how you handled your sister.
Try not to think of what you're missing out on with D or what might happen in the future. I know easier said than done but neither of those thoughts will get you anywhere. Just stay busy when she's away and when you have her pour everything you have into quality time with her. You will always be her dad and no one will take that away from you guys.
GAL - what can you do to take that next step?
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Not sure what the next step is for me on my, "self growth tour". I guess I will need to get out of my comfort zone a little more. That goes without saying. I need to meet some new people, also goes without saying. I want to spread my wings and do more, outside of the home. I have been kicking around the idea of going on a vacation, just daughter and I. I would love to take her to Disneyland, but the idea of just the two of us kind of scares me and makes me sad at the same time. I need to get passed that type of thinking. I need a new outlook on life, a new beginning. I've really been thinking about what that will look like for me, and to be honest, I don't know what to do. I am not going to jump into something like underwater guitar lessons or take a class in macaroni art self help, because I don't want to dig that deep to find my niche. I pretty much know the things I like and enjoy doing. I just need to find new people, or that special new someone (when the time comes) to enjoy them with. It suckz being single. I feel like I am in a race, running around looking for things to do to fill time, and always coming home feeling empty. I never felt like that when I was married, (I guess I am still married, but I am getting myself used to looking at it like it was past tense).....I am still very lost about how to change my life. One thing at a time. I am just happy that I am controlling my anger better, and I was able to pull myself up from being in such a bad place a few short weeks ago. I need to keep the ball rolling in the right direction...towards happiness
On a side note, I did my trade-off with daughter today. I was able to pull it off without even looking wife face to face. I just opened her door and yelled up the stairs for daughter to come out. Wife never even showed her face, which was good with me. Later, she sent me a long text explaining that she was working on numbers and letters with daughter this week, and she asked if I could work on some certain things as well. She said to "enjoy your week with daughter". It was all very appropriate I guess, but I chose not to acknowledge that part of the text. She also asked about a motorcycle that a family member recently purchased. She is working on a insurance policy for him (wife is an insurance agent). I sent her back a picture and a very short reply telling her what kind of motorcycle it was. I thought to myself, "ask you customer"....I am sure I came across very cold and stand-offish in my text, which literally consisted of a picture and a 3 word sentence. Unfortunately, I do NOT wish to engage her anymore, at least not right now. I don't wish for the feeling of hurt to last any longer than it needs to at this point. I think it is best for me to stop trying to be nice in hopes of saving the marriage. I think I need to distance myself as far as humanly possible. I am not saying that I need to be mean. I won't be mean. I just don't wish to be hurt anymore and it seems like seeing her, talking to her, texting her, hearing about her, all seems to hurt me. I need to get away from her all together, even if that consists of pushing her away. I think that is best for me. I need to save myself.
ROUGH morning. I woke up early, bright eyed and bushy tailed. I was able to get some office work done before daughter woke up. She is usually NOT a morning person, so it was a pleasant surprise to hear her getting out of bed in a chipper mood. She was upbeat and ready to explore her day. We hugged, chatted for a bit and picked out an outfit to start her day. That mood changed shortly after. While I was brushing her hair, she began to whine a little.....then she pretended to hurt her ankle, and she whined more....she complained and whined some more about nothing. I asked her what the problem was all of a sudden, and she replied "Mommy and Daddy don't live together anymore". Talk about a few words that can take the wind out of your sails!!!!! It was difficult, but I laid down with her and expressed that Mommy and Daddy both love her very very much. I asked her what she didn't like about us not living together. She said she missed seeing us both at the same time. She didn't like us being apart as a family. She also said, "now that you're friends, you never even fight anymore". I really did my best to validate her feelings and encourage her to speak more openly about her feelings to us. It really hit home that she is struggling today. It kills me. It was impossible to fight back the tears, and she saw me crying as I held her in my arms. I just wish I could make it all better for her, but I don't 100% know how to handle it.
So here is my dilemma. WHAT do I do with this? How do I console her, and would that even help? Should I have her talk to her Mom about her feelings? Daughter expressed that she hasn't talked to her Mommy about it, because "Mommy never asks". Should I bring it up to her mom? Should I just brush it off as a transitional issue? I hate to have her see a counselor, but am I doing her an injustice by not addressing it professionally? You may recall, I had her seeing the school counselor a few times this past winter. The counselor said we (as parents) were doing a pretty good job. She said daughter was responding age appropriately to what was happening in her life. She noticed some regression and a little acting out. Other than that, she didn't note anything. All seemed to be progressing as well as could be hoped for.
I just don't know what to do. I don't know who to talk to for myself either. Is this something I should get off my chest to a friend, a family member? I don't really want anyone to feel that this is ANOTHER bad thing that should fall on wife's list of mistakes. The only reason I would wish to speak with someone about it, would be to have some help in the decision making process about how to help daughter deal with it. I am okay mentally, but the idea that my daughter is hurting emotionally is a tough one for me.
Wife called today, to ask MORE questions about our family members motorcycle. Again, I expressed to her that she really should be talking directly to him. For some reason, unbeknownst to me, she feels this way is easier.....
While she was on the phone, she asked how daughter was doing. I decided I would let her know, so I relayed the story from yesterday. Wife almost sounded like she didn't believe me. She said "well, daughter has never said anything like that to me. She is my main priority". I guess she should rethink her priorities, because anyone with any common sense would realize that divorce is not in our childs best interest, nor is it something that daughter wants. where as, WORKING on fixing the marriage is. What a great model it would be for daughter, to actually work on resolving our marital issues. Regardless, wife is on her own journey. I am simply not getting involved with it anymore. I really almost regret speaking to her about our daughter. It is pointless and only adds another level of conflict. It's sad
