I say to H all the time actually...he creates his own happiness. Or I used to.
And so do you....so why all the control? Who's happiness are you trying to impact?
Originally Posted By: forlovessake
I'm scared that H and I should never have gotten married...we fought a lot and I knew in my heart God was telling me not to. Yet, I do love him. We're just soooo different and we've never had the spark a lot of couples do or been truly lovey dovey happy.
The starting point, the history of the marriage, and all that related stuff....does it really matter at this point?
True. The bottom line is I love him and want our family to work or else I wouldn't be here.
I'm frustrated with myself because I've been trying so hard to do 180 and GAL, but circumstances with D keep getting in the way. Her recent diagnosis of Celiac, and now elevated liver enzymes. We've had to go to several appts together, D has surgery coming up, etc. All that to say it's so hard as a mom to deal with D's health issues, and then to go to all this with H and have it be tense it's even harder. Also makes me miss him and the support he used to give. After appts (and sometimes during) is when I reach out to him and either plead or scold or what have you. It's impossible to fully separate with everything going on with her physically, but I have to do better at it emotionally.
Me: 26 H: 28 T:8 M:5 D:2 BD:4/1/13 Separated 6/6/13 Filed separation 6/21/13 Waiting for D papers to be served, H says filed
The journey is not going to be easy, or short, and you're going to continue to get curve balls here and there. Keep the focus...try to do better every day. When you have a break, think on some of the questions posed here...dig into your feelings, your history, etc.
Well, this was H's first weekend alone with D. I was really, really optimisitic that this would be a good reality check for him as he had previously not been alone with her for more than 12 hours at a time (max), and was thinking maybe this would show him how single parenting feels/why I was stressed sometimes. Turns out he ended up spending pretty much every waking minute with D over at his brother's house where his wife cooked the meals, planned activities, etc. Soooo still no reality for him. Apparently his plan is to do this just about every weekend he has her. I'm frustrated by this, but perhaps I shouldn't be? It's just been a hard few weeks, and the next few don't look much better. This coming Saturday he's going to a wedding with the woman he's having an EA with...swears it's just as friends and he doesn't want a relationship at all. I'm not that naietve. The following weekend is our anniversary and he should be with D, however he's going out of town for that bachelor party instead as I mentioned earlier. The cherry on the top was last night when he kissed D goodbye. She told him to kiss me too and he said an awkward "no". I still can't wrap my head around how we could go from being married and intimate a month and a half ago, to separated and no contact now. And worse yet, how he's just seemingly fine with all this?? 8 years of love and now cold turkey is a lot to take in.
Me: 26 H: 28 T:8 M:5 D:2 BD:4/1/13 Separated 6/6/13 Filed separation 6/21/13 Waiting for D papers to be served, H says filed
Truth. I am. This GAL thing is new to me, as for the past two months I've had D (2) with me 24/7. This was my first period of time away from her. I did have the opportunity to go out with friends, take a yoga class, and do some shopping. I'm hoping to continue it. Literally all of my friends are married with children, so I'm thinking I need to find a meetup or something where I can meet more single girlfriends. Honestly, I really want to sell the house and move closer to family/friends and just have a fresh start. I feel like having a fresh start will give me a lot of new independence. But, two issues with that: 1) If we sell the house H can then have D over night in his new home which I feel is not suitable (male roomate I don't know, lots of people in and out, D wouldn't have her own room). 2) His family is pushing me not to sell as they think he's going to come around and it's good for him to be around the memories when he stays there for the weekend. Not sure how to proceed with that one.
Me: 26 H: 28 T:8 M:5 D:2 BD:4/1/13 Separated 6/6/13 Filed separation 6/21/13 Waiting for D papers to be served, H says filed
I'm going to preface my next comments with an overall view.....do what is best for YOU.
Moving seems a bit premature to me...has he actually filed yet?
With regards to living situation and H, I think that is something you can set straight in the divorce decree. That doesn't sound like a great situation for your D and I would consult your attorney about it. If you don't have an attorney yet, you might go for a free consultation and find out what your rights are, and ask some of these questions so you can feel more at ease.
As far as your independence, I don't think that is attached to a home....you get to decide that.
He did finally file D papers last week, I believe. In our state we have a mandatory 6 month wait, though may have a one month credit as we were separated for a monthe before. I agree, it probably is premature...and moving right now will add more instability to D's life. I'm not very patient if you couldn't tell and just want to hurry this along so I can stop feeling pain every day when I wake up and he's not there.
Me: 26 H: 28 T:8 M:5 D:2 BD:4/1/13 Separated 6/6/13 Filed separation 6/21/13 Waiting for D papers to be served, H says filed
Hi Forlovessake. I understand your frustrations. Many days I just want some idea of what will happen, but then I think in the end I will be thankful I took this time to work on myself. One of my initial thoughts when my H dropped the bomb was to just move away from everything and start over as quickly as possible. When I took a breather, I realized this decision would not be the best for my career, nor for my well being. Moving is a big event, and it should be done because it is beneficial for you and D. If you need to get away take a mini-vacation if you can and think on things. Meetup groups are a good idea. I've met a lot of good friends from meetups.
So last night H texted and asked if I could get the plans I had for next weekend back (as a refresher: next weekend is supposed to be his custodial weekend with D, but he threw a big fit because he's supposed to go to a bachelor party. I agreed to switch weekends with him, so I would have her next weekend and he would have her this coming weekend. Only problem was he could only have her this coming Friday vs Friday and Sat as he's going to a wedding with the woman he's having an EA with). Anyway, I told him possibly, I could check. He then tells me he has something else he can do this Friday and wonders if I can just have her this weekend and he'll have her next as he can't afford the bachelor party anyway (he told me before he already paid, actually that was his strongest arguement, and I realllly want to call him out on it, but whatever). I told him I really needed him to have her this Friday as we had agreed on the switch some time ago and I'm now going to a wedding of my own. I did offer to split this weekend and next with him though so he could have his fair share of time with D now that his plans had changed (i/e he would have her this Friday and I would have her Sat, then next weekend I would have her Friday and he would have her Sat). This would also allow me to keep the plans I formerly cancelled. To that he said forget it, that he was either watching her this Friday or next weekend, not one day out of each. That he'll just go to the party next weekend vs have her. Super frustrating as he's constantly doing this to D. Putting himself above her and not making time for her. And again asking me to change all my plans to accomodate, even though I did in the first place. So this has me all irritated again. BUT rather than say anything to him, here I am Now for the questions:
1) Is there any point in mentioning that I feel he's being unfair and selfish with constantly asking me to switch plans for his weekends? And, that it hurts me that he's making little effort to see D? As a mom, his attitude is killing me. My sweet girl deserves to be his first priority, not his last.
2) Is there any point in telling him I feel hurt and disrespected by him taking this girl to a mutual friend's wedding?
3) Our wedding anniversary is in a week. Do I do anything to acknowledge it?
Me: 26 H: 28 T:8 M:5 D:2 BD:4/1/13 Separated 6/6/13 Filed separation 6/21/13 Waiting for D papers to be served, H says filed
and just want to hurry this along so I can stop feeling pain every day when I wake up and he's not there.
Now for the questions: