I don't know why, but I thought things would get easier the more time passed by. I've been doing pretty good at keeping contact to nearly nothing. The more we go without contact the more I miss him, but every time I feel myself getting weak I reread sandi's rules. It really does help to read them through over and over again. I really do believe that the more I focus on myself the better things will become, but I have to think when will this feeling of missing him end? Sometimes I just want to give up, and other days I realize anybody I find I will just want him to by like my H.... I've been helping grandma with the grocery bills as H and I still share a checking account. We've discussed me getting a part time job while I'm in the Master's program (as it's not as intensive as an undergrad degree). I texted H that I will pay him back for all the money I've spent on my grandma but he didn't respond. I just hope he doesn't think I'm sucking all the money out of him. He makes good money but also does poor money management. I was going to get the job to save up for a house while he paid off his debt with his own money. I still want to get a house after the Master's program regardless of my marital status. As for working on myself, I decided to pick up some white canvas shoes and draw pictures on them of sharpies via my sister's request for wanting dragon shoes. I've been having fun with getting artsy. My (younger) sister is moving to Los Angeles as she just got accepted into UCLA, so I'm going to be super excited when she moves closer to me. I really do enjoy our time together. I've also been helping grandma in the garden. She's gained enough strength to pull weeds with me, something she's been too depressed to do after my grandpa passed away (they've been married for over 60 years). Sometimes seeing pictures of them on the walls makes me feel like a failure, but one of my goals is focusing off the negative more often. Another huge emotional goal is realizing even though I tell people I forgive them I don't. H said I never let go of anything, and someone on here (sorry I forgot who) posted forgiveness= happiness. As I read what they had to say I realized I could be much happier if I learned to let go of why and how people have hurt me. Especially concerning the in-laws, I've always been bitter towards my H regarding his parents. I realized that's because I've never truly forgiven them for how they've treated me, and continue to treat me. I then come to realize if MIL is mean to me, it's because of her own issues and it has little to do with me. I continue to make it my goal to keep forgiving as I feel it will benefit me deeply.
