I'm sorry for being MIA for the last week or so. I've been covering for someone at work, which means I've been working major overtime. This has been, maybe, a secretly blessing for my DBing since I haven't had time to feel sad or focus too much about being in limbo land.
Labug - Thank you so much for the information. It's been a great help this week I've been referring back to that Live Strong article a lot. Hope all is well with you, going to head on over to your thread next.
Valeska19 - Hi! It's actually been a pretty good week. Been really busy with work (so haven't had time to exercise, I'm exhausted by the time I finish work), so I've been trying to do other things like read, watch tv, etc. to unwind in the evenings. On Saturday, my GAL activity was to go see a movie with one of my friends. He wanted to see Pacific Rim and I had no idea what it was, but I went anyway instead of being lazy at home! I did have the opportunity to show my "newer" self to theEx this weekend too. I had to pick up theEx from work later that day and she had a bad day, felt really sad because she felt left out at work. I made sure to validate, validate, validate. Did not offer advice. Just empathized. Then I offered to do something together that would cheer her up and let her choose the activity--so we went out for an early dinner and then out to a movie. Nothing romantic, just something fun. If this was the old me, I would have tried to solve her problems (i.e. offer suggestions on how to improve her situation at work) and that's it. I wouldn't have thought how to be supportive. I know that it's not huge progress or anything, but thankfully it wasn't a step backwards (I hope) either! Hope you are doing well, going to head on over to your thread now!
StubbornDyke - Hi there! Okay, good to know about DR. I also have a few other books that I felt complemented DR strategy. Those I can discreetly read on my tablet if the Ex is around, so it helps to keep me focused. I did not get to exercise yet (I know, I know!), I got swamped with work and have been working overtime. But I'm hoping to start jogging 3x a week starting next week. I tried doing kettlebell workouts, but I'm afraid I'm going to accidentally fling the kettlebell into my television or something lol Thanks for taking the time to write to me! I have been following your thread for months and I really admire the patience and compassion you've displayed in your situation, no matter how difficult.
I messed up a bit just a little while ago. Instead of validating, I was triggered and angry and detached.
TheEx called now (as she always does on the way home) and she was bitching about work (at the restaurant). As I might have mentioned before, anything restaurant-related is still a major trigger for me.
1) Because she hasn't quit her job since after her indiscretion. Although, I should note that apparently ONS got fired from the restaurant just before it happened.
2) As far as I know, people think she's single at the restaurant. She's not close with her co-workers, so they don't know her very well, but it rubs me the wrong way that they think she's single now. Yes, I realize she technically is...but I also find it a bit insulting. And because of her indiscretion, I have fears that she's using her job at the restaurant to "be single". She has given me full transparency since the ONS and is adamant nothing is going on with anyone, she doesn't like anyone, etc. but it's like I can't allow myself to fully trust her. I blindly trusted her the first time and I got screwed over, so I am hesitant to trust her again.
Even as she was talking, I could feel my jaw tense up and I went from listening to every single world she said, to like...every three or four words lol She was complaining about her guy co-worker (who is the owner's son) who keeps asking her to help him do social media stuff for the restaurant bc he is clueless. She was complaining that he expects her to do it, instead of doing it himself. It seems harmless, but given what has happened, I no longer trust her and the relationships she has at the restaurant. I should have just let her vent and validated her feelings more, but oh man, I was angry.
I am still working through my anger. I give so much credit to those who have the strength to deal with a partner's OM/OW. I am getting better at not saying anything when I'm triggered (which caused us to fight), but sometimes the anger has nowhere to go and I feel like that's not good too.
Anyway, she'll be home in a bit and I can calm down before she comes home. Her birthday is tomorrow so I don't want to pick a fight over something like this.
This past week has been really busy, but there were many opportunities to work on my 180s. Sometimes I messed up (see above, we got into an argument that night), but when I did, I tried to make sure that every interaction after that was positive.
The question that has been weighing on my mind lately has to do with physical affection. In the early months of the break-up, even though physical affection was scarce, there was still a romantic component when there was affection, like kissing for example.
Now, there was more physical affection, but it seems...intimate, but not necessarily romantic. I don't know if that makes sense? We have not been physically intimate in a few months now, but she has since then started giving me a peck on the lips regularly when we say goodbye, hugging me, and touching my leg or hair if we're sitting next to each other. How do you know if these interactions will ever interact to something more...romantic? Are these innocent physical interactions a way of making her feel safe, rebuilding our relationship, etc? I guess I just want to know someone's thoughts on if these intimate, but non-romantic physical affections help or hurt my situation.
WEDNESDAY
While asking about my day, I told her co-worker (who is friends with both of us) asked how we were doing. I gave a vague answer and said, "Good, I think. But you'd have to ask P herself." P followed up asking how I thought we were doing (saying it's been a while since we "checked in" with each other. I said I thought we were learning to communicate better and fighting less overall. I added that I didn't know what that meant for the big picture, but I knew that interactions between us have been less tense.
She said she thought we were interacting better too. Said that if someone (who knows our situation) asks how we're doing, she says that we're doing better, that we're "seeing how things go." Or maybe it was "taking things as they come." Either way, it was one of those "play it by ear" statements, which...maybe is better than a "we're still broken up." I don't know, thoughts? Her statement did make it seem there was a bit more wiggle room in our situation, but I don't want to be mind reading.
She also said there was things that she still wants to do for herself (i.e. move out and learn to be independent), but the need to do so hasn't weighed as heavily on her as it did before.
WEEKEND
The big thing this weekend was going to Vegas and I knew beforehand it would be an important opportunity to show the new me. The two biggest opportunities were 1) meeting her old HS friend, and 2) hanging out with her sister & husband.
180s
1) Socialize with her friend, don't be so introverted.
2) PMA at all times, especially in situations where I feel uncomfortable and normally express facially how I feel.
3) Be more engaging with her family.
I made those three 180s my top priority and overall, let the trip be hers. We did not fight at all and actually had a really nice time. She displayed her recent level of physical affection (touching my leg, fixing my hair, playfully punching my arm). While we were out at the club (she was a bit tipsy), she wanted a kiss on the cheek in front of her friends. We're not big on PDA and I know it was the alcohol talking, but that was nice.
To me, if she is initiating any kind of physical affection that is a good start! Right now, there is almost no physical affection between my H and I. I stopped initiating when I realized he probably saw that as me pursuing him/pressure.
I think it is a good sign that she is reaching out in that way. To me, I don't view that as not being romantic? Perhaps that is her way of being romantic. Do you enjoy it? Do you also reach out to her in that way? If not, perhaps it would be a good time.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
If she's touching you in those ways and sounds like she wants to keep things positive, it's a good thing. Most WAS's will flinch like they touched a hot stove if the LBS touches them. Some will even run out of the room as if you were infected with the plague.
It's true.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Yawhgih - I headed over to your thread just now, but I wasn't able to respond. I wonder if the thread reached its limit? Either way, I promise to respond as soon as the site allows it!
I guess I don't really view her behavior as romantic by itself. I think it shows that she's comfortable around me, but I guess to me romantic interactions can be playful and innocent (like how she is acting now), but also stuff like hand holding, kisses that aren't goodbye pecks, etc. I will try your suggestion and try to show my affection in the same playful (but innocent) way that she has been demonstrating to me lately.
Mr Bond - Thank you for the insight! I know I should be appreciative for the positive physical interactions and let go of expectations (at least for the moment). Now that I think about it, she used to cringe when I tried to hug her when we first broke up. You could tell she didn't want me to touch her and it always killed me. So in that sense, things have improved since BD #1.
I sometimes push the envelope a bit, maybe as a way to check her temperature toward me, and I know that's probably not the best thing to do. Maybe it's better if I just let her take the lead in terms of physical affection? What are your thoughts?
# # #
Journaling:
TheEx's sister and brother-in-law took us to dinner on Sunday while we were in Vegas. I think it went really well, after dinner, the sister suggested they come visit us this Wednesday (today) to spend more time together. Although I am drained out from socializing and traveling for the past week, I told them it would be a great idea and put on a happy face knowing how important family time is to theEx. Pre-BD#1, I avoided family time like the plague. I like her family a lot, but I admit I didn't spent a lot of time with them and it was a point of contention between us. So, my 180 has been to make an effort to spend time with her family whenever the opportunity arises.
They should be here in about an hour or so, we're supposed to take them out to dinner, and then they're spending the night here. Going to do my best to show the new me.
Specialk, Glad to hear that you are having positive interactions with your x. Just keep showing her the new and improved you and let your x figure out what she wants to do with it.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Hi Valeska! Thank you for checking in. Hope all is well with you
Journaling:
Had two notable positive interactions this weekend.
1) She made a comment about how she wished we had a bigger place. I didn't really respond when she said that, then she added that once she begins making more money in her career we could get a bigger place (since right now I am paying for all of the rent). I tried not to read into it and just smiled and said that sounds good to me. I made a casual comment about how I'd like an extra bedroom for guests to able to visit and mainly to use as a home office and she said that would be a good idea. This is the first time that she's made those kind of plans, real or not, with me in awhile. When she had talked about making more money before, she rarely mentioned getting a bigger place together. She might have once or twice right after BD#2, but mentally it seems like she's in a different place than she was in then.
2) On a separate occasion, she commented again about getting a bigger place together. Then added, "if not a bigger place, then I'd like to re-decorate the apartment." I asked her what she wanted to do and she had suggestions about the furniture (new entertainment center, dresser, etc).
A month or so ago, we were at Home Depot, and she wanted to get curtains. Then asked if it would be okay to get curtains even though she still intended on moving out. It upset me greatly at the time, so when she made a comment about buying new furniture, I tried to be nonchalant about it this time and tell myself it doesn't necessarily mean anything.
Regardless, I will keep on my DB path and continue to work on myself!
Had two notable positive interactions this weekend.
1) She made a comment about how she wished we had a bigger place. I didn't really respond when she said that, then she added that once she begins making more money in her career we could get a bigger place (since right now I am paying for all of the rent). I tried not to read into it and just smiled and said that sounds good to me. I made a casual comment about how I'd like an extra bedroom for guests to able to visit and mainly to use as a home office and she said that would be a good idea. This is the first time that she's made those kind of plans, real or not, with me in awhile. When she had talked about making more money before, she rarely mentioned getting a bigger place together. She might have once or twice right after BD#2, but mentally it seems like she's in a different place than she was in then.
2) On a separate occasion, she commented again about getting a bigger place together. Then added, "if not a bigger place, then I'd like to re-decorate the apartment." I asked her what she wanted to do and she had suggestions about the furniture (new entertainment center, dresser, etc).
A month or so ago, we were at Home Depot, and she wanted to get curtains. Then asked if it would be okay to get curtains even though she still intended on moving out. It upset me greatly at the time, so when she made a comment about buying new furniture, I tried to be nonchalant about it this time and tell myself it doesn't necessarily mean anything.
Be very careful here not to attach expectations. WAS are confused.. especially when we start acting differently. The motto is believe none of what they say, have of what they do.
Originally Posted By: specialk
Regardless, I will keep on my DB path and continue to work on myself!
Hang onto this tightly!
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Be very careful here not to attach expectations. WAS are confused.. especially when we start acting differently. The motto is believe none of what they say, have of what they do.
Thank you for the reminder! I try to tell myself "believe none of what she says, half of what she does." But mostly when she does something to tick me off lol You're right, though. It should be applied for both positive and negative interactions, otherwise it'll make my emotions go all over the place. I guess the only way to know if she means what she says is consistency over time, huh?
I've been referring back to that Live Strong article a lot. Hope all is well with you, going to head on over to your thread next.