Thanks for sharing your experience. I am thinking it over. I had a terrible night of sleep last night. So did my W. In fact, she suspects (knows?) that I snooped on her. We've been married 22 years and we know each other well. She knew I was in a depressed mood yesterday and she asked me again and again. She was able to correlate my mood with her message.
She immediately changed her FB password and deleted the message. I know because I tried to snoop later that night.
I have been the queen of snoopers at times when feeling extremely suspicious and upset, but never learned anything that helped me feel better, quite the opposite. I would still snoop to try to figure out my H's plans about something, but not to try to figure out the temperature of the affair between him and the Russian Tramp. It just hurts too damn much, and half of the stuff he writes to her is just a load of crap anyway. So why bother?
Good luck to you my friend. Hang in there! PS I am the same old LindaM, I changed my name to protect my identity -- my H has been known to snoop too.
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Hi SA, I'm sorry to hear of the new development in your sitch.
Personally, I'm a fan of not accepting their A. If W knows that you know, and you say nothing about it, she loses respect for you and you look weak. Look up DB member Sandi2 and you can read all about this.
Having said that, what if it were only a 1 night stand, and not an ongoing A? Would you still ask her to leave for that?
I would not snoop any more if it were me. I don't see what good can come from it. You know what you know and it's enough.
I THINK what I would do: I'd tell W I don't want any details, I just need what ever is going on to end... and I need full %100 transparency from here forward. If she's willing to do that, she can stay we'll be best friends. If she's not then I'd like her to leave, and she's on her own.
Of course not having been in this situation I really don't know what I would do. 48 hour rule for sure!
She may not like it but she WILL respect you if you do this, because she knows having an A is not right.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
The snooping...........NOTHING good can come of it, nothing!!
It doesn't give you inside information to help the situation, your not gonna find news that she's changing her mind, in fact the only thing you MIGHT find, your not gonna like.
It only puts up another barrier/wall for you to have to break down, with yourself and her.
Detach Detach Detach, so easy to type/read, so hard to pull off.
Thanks for the feedback. Yes, I'm pretty sure it was a 1-night stand. I've thought about what FY suggests, but I'm not sure.
I agree about the comment about respect.
Thumpered, snooping is a double-edge sword for me, and difficult to stop when opportunity presents itself. It helps me to see what she is saying to others, but then I often don't like what I read.
In a way, if I didn't snoop, I would never have known about the 1-night stand, and I wouldn't be contemplating throwing out the W. But, now that I know about it, I can see how this changed our relationship.
I think that an ongoing PA or EA will prevent any positive movement in a R until it ends. No matter how much DB-ing you do, if the spouse is in a EA/PA, then you are in a holding pattern until they give it up.
OK, I didn’t wait a full 48 hours. I called my W just before lunch and said I was going to take her out. I bought two sandwiches and I went to her office and drove over to the beach (10 minutes away). We sat on a large log and ate our sandwiches and talked about our girls and summer camp. When we were done, I told her, “When I was away on vacation with the girls you had an affair with your surf instructor.” She looked at me, denied it, and wanted to know why I thought that. I wasn’t going there -- I didn’t want to argue evidence. I then told her this was her opportunity to tell the truth. She didn’t. Then I said that I wanted her to move out that night. Then about 5 minutes of conversation followed of her saying it is not a good time, what about the girls? Can’t we wait until her mother leaves (she’s visiting us). My reply was that it would never be a good time to break up the family. She denied it to the end. We then both went back to work.
The denials make me crazy, but I remember during BD with the EA she denied everything until I put the proof under her nose. Back at my office I looked again at everything and it all points to an affair. I’m pretty certain she did. Also, she agreed rather readily to move out.
At 4:00 I took my girls to the library and then out to dinner. My W came and packed her bags while we were gone. I’m not sure where she is going. At 7:00 when I returned she was gone. My MIL asked me what happened? I asked, didn’t my W tell you? No. Finally after being pestered by MIL, I told her. I guess my W was too ashamed to tell her mother. I didn’t want to tell my MIL, but she is living here and now her daughter is gone.
My W left me a note as follows: “I cannot fit everything I own into the car, when I have a place I’ll let you know, in case you care. Do not make any sudden decisions. I do love you – W”
My intent going forward is to be dim. I’ll discuss the girls and finances and house business with her. I will also be cordial. Tomorrow we will sit down with the girls and explain that Mommy is moving out. I’m not sure what to say?
Oddly, today I hardly teared up. Dinner at a sushi restaurant with my 3 girls was enjoyable. They love going out to eat.
I was hoping you were just over-reacting, im so so sorry you feel the evidence is so strong. Your right they will deny till the proof is put in front of their face.
I commend you on having the strength to follow thru on your boundry breaking. Its absolutely heart breaking when our spouses betray us like that. I recently went dim myself, and I can tell you after 7 days, its not what I thought. My wife and I even thru all the issues still talked everyday, now cause I didn't answer the phone 1 or 2 times, she refuses to talk at all, even about the kids pretty much, its such a fine line, I know its not exactly a DB technique but be careful with it.
Thumper, that's interesting about going dim, thanks for the advice. I expect I will also be in contact in some way with the W almost every day. How could it be otherwise when we have 3 young girls?
No the W did not confess yet. She emailed me that she is “going under the premise that we are taking a moment. Not preparing for official steps. I don’t want to be blindsided.” I replied that yes we are taking a moment and no I will not blindside her. I didn’t ask for any such reassurance from her – with the all the lies it would be meaningless anyway.
We have communicated alot about drop-off/pick-up of the girls to summer camp because we have no set schedule. She has also asked to come by on Sunday to talk, but in a vague way.
Last night I realized that my W is in the midst of a full-blown MLC and that she will likely NOT come home. The shock of kicking her out is not going to substantially change things.
I don't think she will confess or apologize at this point.
I do think she has unreasonable expectations about how a separation is going to be. Based on her texts and emails about the girls, it seems she thinks that she'll be able to see them at her leisure without much responsibility for doing all the daily stuff like preparing meals, shopping, etc. Since I don’t expect her to confess, apologize, and return home – I need to think about what I want from the separation.
I was thinking I would tell her that the girls would stay with me 4 nights/week and with her 3 nights/week and that we would alternate weekends. I will make clear to her that I do not expect her to spend time at our house – she no longer lives there. She cannot come and go as she pleases. I was also thinking that it is prudent at this point to split our bank account in half. We have a joint account, and I was going to split it evenly and tell her to only spend from her half. We also have two credit cards, so the same thing: one for her and one for me. My W has spent freely over the past 6 months, I’m not sure she realizes how having two households will make both of us much poorer.
I’m open to any advice on how to make a separation work.
I have a strong feeling that I will have the girls almost 100% of the time. The last time she mentioned about moving out for space, she had mentioned a nice apartment with a single bedroom, kitchenette, and bath that had 500 sq ft. Didn’t sound like she thought our 3 girls would ever spend time there.
