I threw up a "skeleton" FB page- dont think ive gone on in two years. Kid sister (30) told me that I was a dinosaur and that I needed to embrace tech- at that time Id never sent a text.
No TV, no FB- life is alot less stressful when your able to have quiet and curl up with hemmingway.
My T keeps reminding me- "Make sure W is doing all the heavy lifting...its her mess"
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
My T keeps reminding me- "Make sure W is doing all the heavy lifting...its her mess"
Nice. She should be doing all of this. But she's not. I feel like if I don't get it done... it won't get done and she will think I'm just waiting around on her.
So confusing. Once again, I have no idea what I'm doing.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
Get a self storage locker dump all her S#$% in it pay for 1 month give W the key............
bah bah bah BYE--------Thats some shock and awe
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
From my POV, in reading your post about packing and divvying up stuff, the frantic pace in that aspect is a form of trying to regain some resemblance of control of your surroundings since you've had the rug jerked out from under you and perhaps avoiding the mini-tsunamis that are hitting you in rapid succession.
My gosh...RL friends and family are a godsend! I'm glad that they're coming down as a good distraction for you.
Yea...LIMO with the whole works!!! Got a wet bar somewhere in there, RT?! If yes, then I'd probably shove you over and help myself to some real smooth amaretto.
Hey ya'll. (southern girl) So my friends arrived on Friday and we had a blast at the local pub dancing and singing karaoke. We played basketball, a bean bag toss game, and closed the place down. My friends from upstate met some of my new friends from GAL'ing and it was really fun. We drank too much! (Afterwards... I've decided that while I am teetering on this depression threshold that I am cutting social alcohol out of my life right now. I recognize that with as little seratonin as I've got at the moment I don't need to give myself anymore reason too feel in a funk.) But it was a great night and a huge release to cut loose with my friends.
On Sat. we went to the beach and then a nice dinner before a movie night on the couch. They left on Sunday and I hit the couch and sulked. It was hard to be left alone again.
Over the weekend, my SBXW and I had random emails about division of property and finances. It stung a bit to have her engage finally. I liked it better when she didn't. One email about drove me mad! It was written in language that my SBXW would never use, it was in bolded, enlarged, purple font, (from my snooping... the AP would use this juvenile font change in emails to my SBXW) So I just had to assume AP wrote it, SBXW approved it and emailed it to me. It was the one and only interaction between the two of us where my SBXW came off as selfish and asked for money from me that we had already determined was joint funds. AAAGGHHHHH! I'm mad writing about it!
So I let it go and didn't respond. The next day (yesterday) I did. We had a lot to go over so we talked on the phone. It was pleasant, nice, no affection. We had one moment where we disagreed on a piece of furniture. She got snippy. I stayed calm. Then she changed. She disengaged from the process on the phone so I decided it was time to end the conversation and told her I would get back to her on one of the credit cards later this week.
About 10 minutes after that she emailed me the credit account log in info I needed and made some announcements of charges I would see (where she spent money on the AP) but would take care of those herself.
Another 10 minutes later I get this:
Email Subject: "Sorry"
RealityTrip, Sorry for my behavior on the phone. You are moving so fast with things and it is scary. I feel like I made the wrong decision.
SBXW (she used my pet name for her)
Well, I knew this was coming sooner or later. I thought later. But here it was. I set down my phone and got in the shower to think. I felt an uplifting of spirits when I read it. I stood in the shower for a very long time trying to understand that. I felt validated. She was able in three sentances to make me feel better about myself. Co-dependant. I wasn't hip-hooraying because she was going to come back, I'm not that delusional, but I was validated. She wasn't sure, she might be unhappy, remorseful, or regretful. Things might not be so wonderful in the green, green pasture of AffairLand. So I felt validated.
I shared it with my friend and my sister... they went into "What-if". I'm not living there in "What-If" land... It's too close to LimboLand and I hate that place. I decided in the shower that I was full steam ahead. Nothing has changed.
A couple of hours later I decided I had thought it through and it was time to respond. I sent her this:
"Thanks for the credit account info. I'll look at it later this week.
I understand. It is scary. Nothing in my life has ever felt so wrong. But I have no control over anyone or anything but myself and I have to get myself through this with the tools I am given.
I want you to be happy. But I will always feel you made the wrong decision too.
RealityTrip."
I didn't overthink it. I didn't want to manipulate anything. I just wanted to be as real and honest as I could in my response. So I was.
But nothing has changed. I still move ahead. I think at this point that I need to be alone for a while anyway. This whole situation took a lot out of me. It chipped away at my self-esteem and self-worth and I need to be whole again. My reaction to her email and feelings of validation from that just reinforce to me that I need to spend some time alone. No matter what she does or does not do in the future.
Wonka... you are dead on. I am looking for control by my hurried pace. I'm just trying to get through to the other side of the tunnel. To feel the light on my face again.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
I am growing exponentially by spending time alone and living with myself- A few successful experiences really helped me grow and identify who I am after 18 years of co-habitation. Do not be "scared". You are a very strong person who is going to like the person you are when you come out.
Thats when she fully realizes she screwed up.
No booze is a GREAT idea during this time. "Margarita" mixer over ice is a great drink and when Im out its Diet pepsi w/lime.
What I applaud you most for is your control over the flow of the conversation w stbx. The stepping back, the not reacting....doing it on your terms is great.
You are in the toughest ugliest part right now - and your better then surviving:)
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
For the most part - well handled. Just a couple of notes.
As much as it is important to be real and honest - in the stage you are in... it's important to know when to express it.
Right now - it's not about you or how you are feeling. If it was - your stbx would be making very different decisions.
You can validate her feelings without confirming them or expressing yours. But remember - this is business now. Not because you don't care - but because this is what SHE has chosen.
In time - you can re-look at your boundary, but not now. It's gonna be hard and you are going to feel like crap at times because she will bait you...just like she did in her email.
People may not be in control of their feelings, but they ARE In control of how they express them. You confirming them allows her to act in her fear and treat you any way she wants to.
A response from you could be:
"W. Thank you for the apology and for expressing yourself that you are scared.
I'll look at the credit card statements later this week
RT"
or you could have said nothing at all. Apologies aren't meant to be validated.. they are meant to show remorse for hurtful behavior.
Also - try to avoid using the words - always and never.
One - it adds a level of pressure and guilt to the WAS. You need to continue to give her the space to see that it was the "wrong" decision with NO HELP from you.
Two - You may not always feel like it was a wrong decision. I don't think it becomes a "right" decision, just different.
Next month I will be divorced for a year and I was talking to my best friend yesterday and was going on on how THANKFUL I was for it. That I finally feel like myself and that both my x and I have grown so much from it. 2.5 years ago.. I felt like my life is over.. today - I feel like my life is what I always wanted. Different - but very good.
Perspectives can change.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Really? Now???? I was in the account making updates for the financial separation and noticed a $35.00 co-pay to a Marriage and Family Therapist in the town where my SBXW is now living with her AP.
I hope she finds good professional help for herself. I'm curious as the using a LMFT though. Surely a LMFT wouldn't let my SBXW have couples counseling with her AP on my insurance... would they? I hate assuming the worst of my SBXW but she hasn't given me much else to go on these past two years. So now what? I can't allow her and AP to get couples counseling on my insurance, but how do I know if that's what is happening and it's not just my SBXW finally asking for theraputic help for herself?
This one will bother me until I know for sure. Ugghhh.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
