New and need encouragement

[Not Quitting]

H invited me out for a drink last night, and the talk he initiated continued afterwards back at the house. He wanted to talk about our M and where to go from here. This came after spending 4 hours together in a car, driving to and from S13's camp for parents' day, chatting about work, the weather, anything and everything except M. It felt easy, natural, not strained. I certainly didn't tell him that it was harder to say good bye to him when I dropped him at his place than to our S13 when we left the camp.

What he said last night though really opened my eyes and made me look at exactly what I'd been doing. I knew I had done everything wrong in the beginning - begging, pleading, crying, becoming clingy. He said last night, for the first time, that I had gone from one extreme to the other - from cold to hot. Too much of a 180 too fast. That showed me that he'd noticed, but because it was too fast he doubts my motives.

I tried to validate, didn't argue. Let him initiate everything. We talked about where we both saw things going wrong - he felt ignored and unwanted, I felt his work and friends were being given priority over me and S13. We agreed that we were both in the wrong, that he had pulled away from me in response to me pulling away from him, which had been in response to him spending less time with the family - circles, leading to more circles I guess. He also said that he felt that everything I had been doing had been forced, like I was doing it just to save the marriage. Again I tried to validate. We also talked about how family have come between us. I agreed and also (maybe wrongly) told him that if it came down to him or my family, I would choose him. I reminded him that I had suggested looking for a rental property away from my dad's place, but also reminded him that I can't do that on my own as I don't make enough to cover rent on top of the other debts/expenses.

A possible positive did come out of the talk although we both agreed that it may not change anything about where we are going to end up. He really took me by surprise when he initiated kissing and cuddling, tentative at first like when we first started dating but quickly becoming more passionate, and he ended up staying the night. First time we've ML in months, and I have to admit it was better than it had been in a long time as well. When I dropped him at his place (still seems really strange saying that) on my way to work this morning he gave me a goodbye kiss - again first in months. No "I love you's" by either of us, but there was definite passion in the whole night. He said that he doesn't want to just throw away 16 yrs of marriage but that he's not sure about my motives.

He pointed out that we have had more private time together since he moved out last month than we've had in months when he was still living with me, even before BD - although that has usually been spent in a bar, but it has been just the two of us (no son, no father). When he said that we need to keep that up I agreed, and I also added that we need to include S13 from time to time so he knows that we can still do family things regardless of the situation between his dad and I. I suggested that when he comes on Sunday to see S13 that maybe we could take off out somewhere, just the three of us and have some family time. He's also coming with me on Friday when I pick S13 up from camp.

He admitted that OW is still a part of his life, but only minimally - nothing like the "hot and heavy" stage just before and for a few months after BD. He says that he's told her that he still isn't sure that he's ready to give up everything he built with me and that if she feels strongly enough for him, she'd be willing to step back and give him time to sort out his head and decide what exactly he wants to do. If this is true (but his lips were moving so I'm not going to take it as gospel, remembering the "believe nothing of what they say and only 50% of what they do" comments I've read elsewhere in this forum), it sounds like he's asking her for time and space as well. I tried again to validate his feelings and reaffirmed that I was prepared to give him as much time and space as he needed. He also admitted that I had been right about another female friend he has - I had suggested that she wanted to be more than just a friend and it seems that after she found out we had separated she made a major move on him, which he rejected and now she's mad at him because "he led her on". He has always said that she was no threat to me because she is the same age as one of my step-sons. He actually said that I could say I told you so, but I wouldn't take that bait - I certainly was thinking it though.