One giant leap forward! - Part 3

[T1000]

T, I'm not trying to tell you what to do. I would like to see you have a loving, adult R with your W. I don't know if that's what you want. Your goals are your goals.

This is difficult stuff but we each have to figure out who we want to be and how we want to conduct our lives. Having boundaries helps us do that but setting those is difficult in the beginning. Once you see the power in it, it becomes easier because your life becomes easier.

You have shifting boundaries. You say things and I think you want to mean them but when it gets tough, you move that line just a bit, just far enough that it's no longer painful.

I know I do and I tend to feel it when I do then I'm disappointed in myself. Something happened last night in regards to the time I have off work, I knew where I stood because I have thought about before but when we spoke I moved the line a bit.
Looking back it makes it more difficult later on than it does easier at the time.

I told her that we wouldn't be having sex until we started to work on the R.
To me that is when she has paid for half of and gone to an MC session.

Did you tell her all of that including the part about paying?
Is it a carrot on a string or is it a boundary because you know it's healthier for you, your R and therefore your children if you and W get things moving in the right direction before you have sex? Is going to one visit with MC enough to indicate that things are moving in the right direction? I don't know the answer to that for you.

I didn't mention the part about paying. I just told her I found an MC and why I think it is one we should try and that it is £** each. I was concerned she would say she couldn't afford it. Strictly speaking she probably can't, just like I can't.
The more sacrifices we both have to make imo the more invested we are.
That might be seen as controlling but it's a way of me measuring which I need right now.

I have no opinion on whether you should have sex with your W or not. But if you do, realize that you went into it with your eyes wide open. She didn't cast a spell and make you do it. I get that you would love to have sex with her but it's better to be honest about it than to set a boundary that's not really a boundary.

I do realize that. In the past I have been blind to her manipulations. I am more aware of them now than ever even though I don't think I see everything yet and I may never fully.
Yes I would like to have sex with her. I really wanted to last night.
I owed to myself to stand by what I said to her and what I said on here.

I get confused on how it is a boundary or not.
I agreed that I shouldn't fall for her wanting sex without her working on the R.
She has agreed to go and pay for MC.
MC, to me, once we have been, is her working on the R.


I'm not saying it is or is not the right time after the first appointment to start having sex but that is where I thought it's a better place for it to be.

At what point should it happen? There is no black and white answer to when.
I'm not going keep posting on here until someone say's now is the time because that's not going happen.

The "sexual banter" blurs that line don't you think?

Yes it does.

I suppose in a way it's my way of controlling how she tries to control me.

It's my experience that mind-reading and assigning roles to others is a fruitless endeavor. What other people do shouldn't change your path if you're being the man you want to be.


Is it difficult to stay on that path? Yes. But do you want to be constantly giving your power away to other people and then blaming them for how your life is?



I know this is hard, I've had to walk the path of leaving all the fear that leads to being in victim/persecutor/rescuer triangle behind to become a very different person.

It's been difficult, still is at times but so worth the work.

I have a history of mind-reading and assigning roles to others. I see myself doing it a lot....well I notice it now quite often and try to adjust so I'm not doing it but it's a slow process.