Many of you know that I have been trying to find a good time to share the SSM book with my wife. I think the time may be now. Last night we were watching TV and an ad for Cialis came on. I asked her if she knew what that was, she said no, and I told her that it was a new, extended release (36 hour) drug similar to Viagra. She asked me how often I think about sex, and I told her, several times a day. She called me "obsessed." Sigh. Here is the text of a letter I intend to give her, along with a copy of the book. Comments welcome:
Dear (wife): Last night, you said I was being obsessive about sex. When I admitted to you that I thought about sex several times a day, you said that it supported your contention that I was obsessive. I think it’s pretty normal for a guy to think about sex several times a day. It may seem excessive to you, but then, perhaps I think that your lack of concern about sex is abnormal. Either way, we are not going to resolve anything by name-calling, using emotionally charged words, or by making value judgments. I am tired of being hurt when you dismiss my feelings about this issue using terms that frame me as dysfunctional.
While I wouldn’t call my thinking “obsessive,” I will admit that I am rather “focused” on improving intimacy within our marriage. By “intimacy,” I mean both physically (touching, kissing, hugging, making love), and emotionally (words of affirmation, emotional support, sense of common purpose, shared values and parenting styles, and the ability to voice our thoughts and opinions without fear of retribution or undue criticism).
I’m not going to write a long letter here, telling you how I feel about this, because I have done so before, and I don’t think my letters tend to persuade you to give my way of thinking about this issue a fair chance. Perhaps that is because my writing style is abrasive or too direct. Whatever the cause, I think we’re at an impasse on this issue. I know this is a sensitive subject to you, and I have lost confidence in my ability to convey my thoughts effectively to you. Therefore, I am writing this letter to ask you if you will read a book I read several months ago.
This book is called “The Sex-Starved Marriage.” It tries to speak to both spouses in a marriage such as ours, and I think it does a fair job of representing both views (that of the low-drive spouse, and that of the high-drive spouse). I would like to talk about it after you have a chance to read it.
Please understand that I am not giving this book to you because I think I’ll end up “getting laid” more often. I am trying to address an aspect of our relationship that I feel needs to be addressed, and I have failed to address it effectively. I am happy with most aspects of our marriage. I think you are a great person, a great mom, a beautiful and sexy woman, and a great partner. I just want our marriage to be as wonderful as I know it can potentially be. You said yesterday that you were happier than you’ve been in your life. I want to share that happiness, too.
I love you, and trust that you will accept this book in the spirit in which it is given.
Listen, as a former marine officer, when things are bad, they can still get worst. But to get better, you control the destiny. Look at the worst thing to happen, can you survive it? Divorce, less sex, etc... Yes? then get your ass to work.
Give the letter, prepare to give up some sleep. And answer every question very honestly. If you say everynight, and she want's to reduce that...you still have something. If you say 3 times a week....you end up like the poor HD man with the 34 year marriage...
Honesty. If you can't make if kind, at least softly and honest!
Don't wait....everyday is less pleasure for you!
Just keep us informed, we got your backside! you lead with your front side!
How long have you been waiting for the right moment Harry? Your fear isn't getting you any closer to resolving the problem and it could very well be making it worse! Michele's point about "doing more of the same" just is not working! OK, what is the worst thing that can happen? Stop chickening out! She needs to KNOW that everything is NOT fine.
I can't remember, are you seeing a counselor? Could you tell your W that counselor wants the two of you to read the book together? It's a few weeks away, but maybe you can include it with some roses or whatever romantic stuff she likes for Valentine's Day?
If you're this fearful of asking your spouse to read a book... how can the rest of your marriage be good? If she loved you enough to marry you and have children with you, one could only hope that she could read a freakin book for you!! The initial reaction may hurt you, but it'll only be a matter of time before she opens the book and reads. Stress that it isn't an instructional how to please your husband book!
Stop stalling - just do it. Your letter is great... give it and the book to her. *please*
That *could* be a dangerous question because I'm the type of person who could and would do it *for* you! Could you mention this board?
Seriously though, come on! Think about it - what's the worst thing that can happen? Either way, I can only see the possible outcomes as positive. She's not going to divorce you because you want to improve your marriage (and) ML (to her)!
Hard question to answer, because it requires me to look deep inside of myself; figure out why I pick assertive, intelligent, controlling women as mates; why I wimp out on discussing things that are important to me; why I put other's needs before mine (most of the time); and why I seem most comfortable with this power/control imbalance.
I know you're right, I should just do it, what's the worst that could happen? Sometimes I wish there was just an easier way to confront her.
Possibly not a good suggestion, but a more passive way to do it, perhaps a bit easier for you, is not to actually physically give it to her, but to leave it somewhere where she's bound to find it when you're not around. Maybe one day you both have off, leave it on the pillow and leave early in the morning to go somewhere else for a while. (With an explanatory addition to the note, of course.)
Or at least some way you don't have to confront her then and there, if that's what you're concerned about.
I am turning in revolution
these are the scars that silence carved
on me
It's a few weeks away, but maybe you can include it with some roses or whatever romantic stuff she likes for Valentine's Day?
