Still about the W

[RosaLinda]

Oh SA, this is rough news, I'm so sorry. I would translate "tuve una aventura" the same way. You must be in so much pain right now.

I remember that last week you told your W that she'd have to move out if she continued pursuing her male friends. And that was just text messages you were referring to, right? I think with MLCers, you have to be firm and enforce any boundaries you have set, just like you would with your daughters.

But I'm glad you decided to mull this over for 48 hours SA, to make sure this is truly a hill you are willing to die on.

After my H's 2 week affair in March, I had a tough decision to make. Everyone told me to kick his ass out, even his own mother and one of our sons. Part of me wanted to do that but part of me felt I'd come this far, lived with his MLC for so long already, that I wondered if it was worth it to throw it all away now. So I returned to this forum and started DB coaching with Chuck.

Chuck reiterated that each person has to decide what he or she can live with, but told me that "a MLCer is going to do what he's going to do" and that I have no control over his actions. He said that this is divorce busting, not affair busting. Cadet gave me a link to a thread named Doormat Tactics, and I copied the following bits of wisdom from that thread. I don't remember who wrote them, but they helped me to stand and to ignore H's PA and his upcoming PA in September. So far

"Until the MLC starts showing positive and real signs of coming back...boundaries and consequences hurt you and what you think you want more than they hurt them. You are pushing them and pressuring them to assuage your own desires, regarding them in a relationship role they have shown you that they currently do not want."

"Your goal is to outlast their MLC. Their confusion and their selfishness. You're not going to get them to stop, and if you try you usually hasten them along and further into their selfishness and tunnel. You demand from them, and they run away from your demands, ignore them or decide they are better off without you controlling them."

"You accept these bad behaviors with an eye on your prize, you came to Divorce Busting for a reason. It was to stop your divorce...it isn't called...say Affair Busting. So get used to the idea of getting used to bad behaviors."

But...everyone has to decide for himself what he is able to live with. What ever you decide to do, SA, I will be behind you 100%, as will the rest of your fellow suffers on here.