I have no idea what I'm doing

[RealityTrip]

Hey ya'll. (southern girl) So my friends arrived on Friday and we had a blast at the local pub dancing and singing karaoke. We played basketball, a bean bag toss game, and closed the place down. My friends from upstate met some of my new friends from GAL'ing and it was really fun. We drank too much! (Afterwards... I've decided that while I am teetering on this depression threshold that I am cutting social alcohol out of my life right now. I recognize that with as little seratonin as I've got at the moment I don't need to give myself anymore reason too feel in a funk.) But it was a great night and a huge release to cut loose with my friends.

On Sat. we went to the beach and then a nice dinner before a movie night on the couch. They left on Sunday and I hit the couch and sulked. It was hard to be left alone again.

Over the weekend, my SBXW and I had random emails about division of property and finances. It stung a bit to have her engage finally. I liked it better when she didn't. One email about drove me mad! It was written in language that my SBXW would never use, it was in bolded, enlarged, purple font, (from my snooping... the AP would use this juvenile font change in emails to my SBXW) So I just had to assume AP wrote it, SBXW approved it and emailed it to me. It was the one and only interaction between the two of us where my SBXW came off as selfish and asked for money from me that we had already determined was joint funds. AAAGGHHHHH! I'm mad writing about it!

So I let it go and didn't respond. The next day (yesterday) I did. We had a lot to go over so we talked on the phone. It was pleasant, nice, no affection. We had one moment where we disagreed on a piece of furniture. She got snippy. I stayed calm. Then she changed. She disengaged from the process on the phone so I decided it was time to end the conversation and told her I would get back to her on one of the credit cards later this week.

About 10 minutes after that she emailed me the credit account log in info I needed and made some announcements of charges I would see (where she spent money on the AP) but would take care of those herself.

Another 10 minutes later I get this:

Email Subject: "Sorry"

RealityTrip,
Sorry for my behavior on the phone. You are moving so fast with things and it is scary. I feel like I made the wrong decision.

SBXW (she used my pet name for her)

Well, I knew this was coming sooner or later. I thought later. But here it was. I set down my phone and got in the shower to think. I felt an uplifting of spirits when I read it. I stood in the shower for a very long time trying to understand that. I felt validated. She was able in three sentances to make me feel better about myself. Co-dependant. I wasn't hip-hooraying because she was going to come back, I'm not that delusional, but I was validated. She wasn't sure, she might be unhappy, remorseful, or regretful. Things might not be so wonderful in the green, green pasture of AffairLand. So I felt validated.

I shared it with my friend and my sister... they went into "What-if". I'm not living there in "What-If" land... It's too close to LimboLand and I hate that place. I decided in the shower that I was full steam ahead. Nothing has changed.

A couple of hours later I decided I had thought it through and it was time to respond. I sent her this:

"Thanks for the credit account info. I'll look at it later this week.

I understand. It is scary. Nothing in my life has ever felt so wrong. But I have no control over anyone or anything but myself and I have to get myself through this with the tools I am given.

I want you to be happy. But I will always feel you made the wrong decision too.

RealityTrip."

I didn't overthink it. I didn't want to manipulate anything. I just wanted to be as real and honest as I could in my response. So I was.

But nothing has changed. I still move ahead. I think at this point that I need to be alone for a while anyway. This whole situation took a lot out of me. It chipped away at my self-esteem and self-worth and I need to be whole again. My reaction to her email and feelings of validation from that just reinforce to me that I need to spend some time alone. No matter what she does or does not do in the future.

Wonka... you are dead on. I am looking for control by my hurried pace. I'm just trying to get through to the other side of the tunnel. To feel the light on my face again.