we're such big girls these days- i love it and hate it. it's sad but uplifting somehow too - huh?
i agree - never again- that sort of misery. my buddy yesterday on phone - her h had a mlc- he's a ship captain and gone all the time- she raised kids on her own pretty much, etc. - he had his mlc- she had given lawyer a downpayment- gotten him to buy her a house in nc (to stay around family when he was gone- BUT REALLY her place to go live because she was leavin him) decision made. She had rented a storage unit for extra furhiture- and somehow due to a hurricane (can't remember exact sitch) it turned aorund. she stayed- he is recommitted- she says she'll never feel the same old love- but she's pretty committed too - and she'll never allow herself to feel THAT again. this true story that fell in my lap out of the blue- it's interesting - people's STORIES in life.
she did it on her own just going with her gut - the stuff she says is EXACTLY what mwd says do- maybe alot is instinctual if you don't let your anger or emotions make you explode-ANYWAY- it's a good success story - i like hearing it.
ANYWAY AGAIN -
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my dog who really does L me tho my S22 says dogs don’t L, hum I don’t buy it!
I BEG TO DIFFER also- dogs do love- men are merely jealous of something they cannot understand- love til the bitter f'ing end- blind, total, you know- women & dogs. i'm not offended by the comparison at all- my thinking is they possess soemthing we all should aspire to - a sort of purity of emotion that is not clouded by almost anything. like a child's love. it's adults that screw children up and turn them this way or that- i'm pretty sure. i'm like a dog- treat me kindly and feed me and i'm yours forever. too bad this dog had to learn this lesson the hard way.
i do think even dogs can feel your anger or dis-loyalty. hey- like that elephant clip on tv when he pickes up his stinking handler of many years and throws him against the wall. i like it- i relate- even the stinking elephant HAD ENOUGH. IT Makes me smile when i think about even animals having their limit. (aren't i a sad & wacked out bundle of whatever???) poor old handler- shoulda been nicer. it's sooooo little for anyone to ask isn't it>>>???
oh well huh- i keep thinking i should get a dog- but then those old committment issues raise their ugly head - idk- how do you continue to have an "issue" if you can see it clearly??? you'd think it would "pop" it like a soap bubble...
wouldn't ya? spontaneous cure-ation if you can recognize the NEUROSIS? oh well- workin on that all...
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Your right, the one reason I don’t like telling people things is because you then feel kinda obligated to go thru with it, but here nobody treat you like that, thanks!
yupper - i just don't care anymore what "they" say/think. honestly
this mlc took any secretive issues i had and blew them to he!! - talk about feelin like i was goin down and needed a hand- i don't even care. anyone who likes me is going to have to deal with h in my life if he stays there- or not say "i told you so" if he doesn't. but i don't give a d@mn really what any of them think or "have to" say.
i'm the guy sitting there all alone all the time- it's my stinkin life & survival here. if i can figure it out properly- i'm doin what's good for me. if i screw it all up totally- i'm the one takin the lumps. who deserves an opinion of that all besides me?
i've always had red hair curly (from day one it makes you know you're different - so you HAVE to find your own way to feel good about who you are - or be a freak) . sounds dramatic doesn't it? but honestly- in the 50s you needed straight blond or brown hair or die.... (I was THE ONLY red haired kid i knew of in grammer school - ONLY) not to mention my beautrifdul, petite constant sidekick. makes you find who you are and what YOU have to offer the world pretty darn quick - the sheer comparisons alllllll the time. (2nd of 5 girls) (over achieving older sister) (i'm guessing it's why i'm an independent spirited kinda gal) (and i like to laugh more than ANYONE in my family- what a bunch of serious women- what a major drrag of a way to go thru life) i NEED to laugh every day or die maybe...
ALL THAT REALLY matters is that we can look ourselves in the eye and feel okay about our decisions/actions and $crew anyone else and their opinion. honestly- i just don't care what i've told who- i am amazed at the brilliant supportiveness of some girlfeinds. my sisters- more back-biting & wierdness than i'd have thought. An eye opener- a hedk of alot more judgement. tho, i have to say, it's my mom's catholic upbringing maybe - she's judgment central. i just don't give one d@mn what she thinks of me either (but realize she can still psh my buttons or hurt my feelings - always a surprise when your mom doesn't want the best for you or is jealous!) - saddish - but i've gotta save myself from those who want to pick away and destroy you one bit at a time (or subjugate me , whatever the heck it is) . i can't fathom where it comes from- i just know how it feels. maybe it's them having their own survival technique from feeling inadequate or soemthing. the need to keep someone else perfectly good 'DOWN" , WHAT? "where they belong"??? i can't figure this one- it's sick i feel
i don't even care anymore- her journey. h too- his phycosis i think.
and also that me, i have to keep a safe distance & shield myself from it. i'd never ever tell my mother ANYTHING about my feelings, life, etc. her in particular- she'd save me if i were bleeding or needed somewhere to live (physical help) - but her mouth & what she says is awful - anyone else- don't care.
EVEN THO I'VE never been gracious at being bossed - too darn independent. i can see how i've become a bit "cowed" in this r, in this m. talk about losing your identify- wah wah- poor old not-h, losing himself. what the he!! abbout me??? lost and treading water for years while he dishes out the crappola.
i look bck and can't even imagine how the heck i got to be her. fog clearing on that a bit- I CAN DOIT - RECAPTURE my me-ness. i'm just sayin no to that all.
well, i take that back- i can easily see my own insecurity about my dad dying and whole family (mom & five daughers) plunged into a vastly insecure & differnt life (and poor as pooh) to boot. oh well huh???
so i'm thinking my h always had the money (and therefore the "power") (his house, h is life, his career supporting us) i let it be that and bought into it all the way. my upbringing. who knew he wasn't "father knows best" kinda guy.
i'd never met anyone that screwedup in their emotions and homelife.
i do have some serioyus money issues - thankfully i'm the worlds biggest "saver" - either smart or fear motivated. i'm okay with that-
it'll be interestring to see how it all plays out in the end- i don't honestly think i'm afraid of being homeless. i've been looking at alllllll the many many bums living around us down here- there are quite alot- ya just find a covered kidn of doorway (usually a business empty at nights) to sleep in- put your junk in a shopping cart (tho, i think i'm going to go with possessionless - except sun hat & sunscreen somehow so i don't bake alive if it's here) and find a dunkin doughnuts that th rows out the donuts at end of day. or somewhere- saw giant bags of popcorn once outside back of movie house- i could live on that! the popcorn diet. i don't think it scares me- somehow fcing the worst thing and coming out (well not yet) dead-
maybe i'll be free going forward and fearless of anything that could transpire- howlong can a girl be afraid? it loses it's juju
ok - i'm outta here- better wak before sun too hot- h visiting his old aunt she's jacking him allover theplace- what the heck is it that would make someone really weak and old & needy- beat up on the one person they have coming around? is it showing themselves they're still tough? is it some sick human trait - hating the one you need the most?
OH MAN- I THINK I'M ON TO SOMETHING THERE- THE DESPISING THE ONE YOU ARE FORCED TO ASK FOR HELP...
they become the enemy because they see your soft underside? or have power over you????
im going with that.
have a wonderful day- OH YEAH- I'M SAYIN THIS AND I MEAN IT. YOU AND I ARE GONNA MEET UP AND PROBABLY BE BUDDIES FOR ETERNITY. IF NOT HERE- THRU E-MAILS AND who the heck says we can'tvisit???/ it's been a wierd and tough ride this mlc junk- if dopey old college roomates form a bond that lasts forever- why not this? it's a wierd but powerful thing isn't it- riding thru this awful episode in our lives???
so no fear i'll disappear- i have a notion this journey is going to become a formative thing for both of us- part of who we are/become- soooooo - ta da - we'll al ways know each other and keep tabs on what the heck is up.
so say we all.
xxoo now i need to go say hi to linda and make sure she's perking along as well - i hope i'm as good as i sound too.
i don't know why im okay being here- maybe just habit of years- still awaiting h announcing he's goingf on a trip and see if my head explodes. maybe i'll be pleasantly surprised and say "whatever". one hopes & fingers crossed.... that im half the man i want to be when the time comes - woo hoo
i don't know how you did it- do it with it all in your face all the time- no wonder you are power girl & DONE DONE DONE
