Many of you know that I have been trying to find a good time to share the SSM book with my wife. I think the time may be now. Last night we were watching TV and an ad for Cialis came on. I asked her if she knew what that was, she said no, and I told her that it was a new, extended release (36 hour) drug similar to Viagra. She asked me how often I think about sex, and I told her, several times a day. She called me "obsessed." Sigh. Here is the text of a letter I intend to give her, along with a copy of the book. Comments welcome:
Dear (wife): Last night, you said I was being obsessive about sex. When I admitted to you that I thought about sex several times a day, you said that it supported your contention that I was obsessive. I think it’s pretty normal for a guy to think about sex several times a day. It may seem excessive to you, but then, perhaps I think that your lack of concern about sex is abnormal. Either way, we are not going to resolve anything by name-calling, using emotionally charged words, or by making value judgments. I am tired of being hurt when you dismiss my feelings about this issue using terms that frame me as dysfunctional.
While I wouldn’t call my thinking “obsessive,” I will admit that I am rather “focused” on improving intimacy within our marriage. By “intimacy,” I mean both physically (touching, kissing, hugging, making love), and emotionally (words of affirmation, emotional support, sense of common purpose, shared values and parenting styles, and the ability to voice our thoughts and opinions without fear of retribution or undue criticism).
I’m not going to write a long letter here, telling you how I feel about this, because I have done so before, and I don’t think my letters tend to persuade you to give my way of thinking about this issue a fair chance. Perhaps that is because my writing style is abrasive or too direct. Whatever the cause, I think we’re at an impasse on this issue. I know this is a sensitive subject to you, and I have lost confidence in my ability to convey my thoughts effectively to you. Therefore, I am writing this letter to ask you if you will read a book I read several months ago.
This book is called “The Sex-Starved Marriage.” It tries to speak to both spouses in a marriage such as ours, and I think it does a fair job of representing both views (that of the low-drive spouse, and that of the high-drive spouse). I would like to talk about it after you have a chance to read it.
Please understand that I am not giving this book to you because I think I’ll end up “getting laid” more often. I am trying to address an aspect of our relationship that I feel needs to be addressed, and I have failed to address it effectively. I am happy with most aspects of our marriage. I think you are a great person, a great mom, a beautiful and sexy woman, and a great partner. I just want our marriage to be as wonderful as I know it can potentially be. You said yesterday that you were happier than you’ve been in your life. I want to share that happiness, too.
I love you, and trust that you will accept this book in the spirit in which it is given.
