2 year A confirmed

[complicated]

We have been seeing a counselor both individually and sometimes together. It depends how things are between us.

I'm not convinced everything will be OK yet. After the a was revealed things seemed to be getting better for a while then it went way south. I'll believe it when I see it.

The only difference now is that I have told him I am done. I don't mind it taking a while as long as we are moving. Most of all he has to make that break with ow. I am interested how long he intends to take doing that. I am at that point where I can't wait forever. I already had in my mind I was moving. I am well aware that we could be going through this a whole lot longer.

For me I think the key will be if he cuts it off with ow and doesn't go back. To me that is the deal breaker now since I had myself ready to move on.

[ForeverYoung]

For me I think the key will be if he cuts it off with ow and doesn't go back. To me that is the deal breaker now since I had myself ready to move on.

That will require %100 transparency on H part. Is he willing to do that?

[complicated]

We shall see. The problem is I know he has further to go on his journey. He is going to have to have more contact with us and like you said complete transparency.

Lately he hasn't been feeling good so I haven't seen or talked to him much. I may suggest to mc that we have joint appointment next time.

[complicated]

I saw h on Saturday night, then barely any communication Monday and none today.

Last night he said he didn't like some things i said Sunday night which were are you coming over this week at all and i forgot what else. I said I meant nothing bad but I"m glad you told me. He said it made him think he didn't know what he wants. Maybe he doesn't want anyone.

Then I really got to thinking. I know he still has a lot of issues, it is very evident. I told him I can't do this. He had also said he still wanted to be friends with OW. I told him that won't work with me that we needed complete transparency. After that phone call when he said he didn't know what he wants it showed me he jumped again. I just can't handle this anymore. It has gone on too long. He also warned me she may call again. Really? Can't you guys keep me out of it?

Anyway I haven't heard from him since I sent that except to answer questions. And those were one word answers. I think he realizes it too that I'm done.

One thing I noticed. I think a year ago if he would have said I want to work on things but I want to stay friends with OW I probably would have said OK. Now I'm not OK with that because I know I will be alright. I know that I deserve better than that.

[MrBond]

" He also warned me she may call again. "

Tell him very sternly that "NO" she will not call you again. And that if she did you will take legal action for harassment. That she is his problem and not yours.

[complicated]

Mr.Bond, we did talk about that last time she did it. My question to him was what does she have to tell me this time? He should know why he thinks she is going to contact me again.

He was quick to say to me not to text her. This was when we were talking about working on our m. I told h that I don't do that. She does which was when he said he thought she may call again.

I'm sure ow doesn't realize h has issues and I think she is applying tons of pressure. He kept telling me she is not happy with him. Like I have said all along, I really don't care. In my eyes if you play with fire you're going to get burned. Playing with a married man with kids is asking for trouble and you deserve what you get.

It appears my h has been talking to his mom, and at least his best friend. Has anyone encountered their spouse starting to talk to others about their situation? I don't know if it because I have chosen not to accept this situation any longer? I do know that before, like several months ago he wasn't talking to anyone about it.

I'm not sure what this means.

[reachingHigher]

Hi c!

Just about the transparency thing. I still don't have that with my H. As lately as two weeks ago he said he couldn't ever foresee a time when we would share FB passwords, for example, despite the fact that in MC over a year ago he said that he desired "total transparency" in his "next R".

In my case (no specific OW of which I am aware) transparency seems to be evolving not something I could demand up front.

H still needs total freedom and seems to be that as long as HE is the one to choose to reveal his "secret life" little by little to me, he is okay with it.

My goal has been to develop and strengthen my R with him and let the little inconsistencies fall by the wayside. This may not work for you, idk.

Thank you so much for your kind thoughts on my thread. I want so much for things to work out for you

rH

[complicated]

Hi rh,
Thanks for your comments. I think I am just at the point where he cannot have contact with ow if he wants to work on m. I don't know how I would be able to work on forgiveness and trust knowing he couldn't give her up completely.

I can certainly appreciate how it would evolve and I do want him to have freedom. I guess I just want to go back to when I trusted him completely.

I so want things to work out in my sitch too but I don't think I could forgive or trust with him still having the contact with ow. Honestly I don't trust HER. The things she said to me has me believing she won't stop at anything and I think h sees this too.

I am so glad that things are progressing so nicely with you. I guess reading your thread I see that even though I am ready to move on it's not over until we both sign on the dotted line.

I also think a lot of this is my fault. I was so detached until right before the a was revealed. He started spending more time at the house. I think that is because he was thinking about ending the a. Then she revealed it.

Things have been so up and down ever since. I feel like I got pulled back into everything because he said he was done with her. And I think I was willingly pulled back in because I miss having that relationship. I miss having someone to share things with, someone to love and be loved.

I don't know. I feel like I am going through mlc now. lol

Thanks for your input rh. I'm so confuled these days.

[ForeverYoung]

Thanks RH, for another take on the transparency issue. What you've done/are doing obviously works for you guys, and like everyone else here I love reading about it.

Comp, I don't blame you for expecting full transparency from your H. You KNOW he has an A and who it is with. You are correct that he can not work on your M while she's in the picture.

Stick to your guns or H will continue to keep both ends of the candle burning. Let him see that while you may want him, you surely don't NEED him. Their A will crash, and then YOU get to decide how to proceed...

Oh and if you never felt confused about all this I'd be worried about you! Bust On!

[complicated]

Thanks FY. I like to hear everyone's point of view. Some things aren't for everyone. Like you said rh's h didn't have an a and mine did and still is in contact with her. Actually not really sure what the he!! is going on with them. But like you said rh is an inspiration to all of us to know that some m do work out.

Some days he seems to think so clearly and others it's mush. I plan on sticking to my guns. While I really would like it to work out with h I'm fine if it doesn't. I have come to realize I don't NEED him, I WANT him but not need. I also think it would be better for the kids. What they don't realize is that this is not exactly how it will be post d. Even though they don't say it sometimes I wonder if they still hold out hope.

I know my middle d is upset about it because she has confided in others which I'm glad. I'm sure the others have too I just don't know about it.

We have not really talked since the day he said he didn't know what he wanted which ironically was less than 24 hours after he said he wanted to get out of his mess and work on us.

Still giving him space because frankly there really is nothing to say. I want to move on and he seems to be dragging his feet as far as what he wants. Where do I go from here?

I'm done waiting around for the a to die. It has been going on for over 3 years. She is a nut case so no wonder they found each other. But, I know he hates confrontation and he is going to find it difficult to completely end it and he has never answered me when I told him there could be no contact. I take that as "I'm not giving her up". What do you guys think? It just seems like he is "stuck".

FY I caught up on your thread again. Your wife is definitely depressed. Those are a lot of the same things my h said. Is she on any ADs?

I will post on your thread instead of here. Take care and thanks for commenting.

I really do appreciate everyone's comments and suggestions. They really do help.